Kirby's Epic Yarn

Developers: HAL, Good-Feel

Publisher: Nintendo
Release Date: Oct. 14, 2010
System: Wii
ESRB Rating: E
Official Web site

In a nutshell: They somehow made Kirby even cuter? Madness!

0:00 I’ve been a Kirby fan since the original Game Boy Dream Land up through the excellent Kirby Super Star on the SNES. I’m intrigued by the super-cute, stringy art style I’ve seen in this one, but I’m not convinced it will spice up what is essentially pretty simple, kid-focused gameplay.

0:01 After a good 15 seconds creating a save file, the title screen appears with Yarn Kirby plopping down as a trapezoidal weight, then reforming into his normal pink puffy self. Very light piano music in the background. One Player.

0:02 “Welcome to Dream Land, a kingdom famous for peace and quiet. It’s the perfect little land, if you like that sort of thing.” An evil sorcerer is turning people in to yarn. Kirby runs in to him and sucks up the red tomato he’s holding before he can introduce himself. A white sock on the sorcerer's belt sucks Kirby up and transforms him into a hollow, yarn version of himself. Quote of the moment: “This grass feels funny... it feels like pants.”

0:03 Kirby saves a yarn boy being chased by a yarn monster by transforming into a yarn car and driving away. Man, I am really going to be tired of the word “yarn” by the end of this hour.

0:05 The yarn boy has run off, leaving me all alone to traipse around outside of Patch Castle. My feet turn in to springs when I jump, and tapping the jump button again in midair turns me in to a gently floating parachute. Tapping the 1 button sends out a starry yarn whip with a snap. The animation is absolutely wonderful. So full of life.

***-->CONTINUE READING<--***

***-->AT GAMERONI<-***

___________________________________________________

Sid Meier's Pirates! (Wii)

Developer: Firaxis

Publisher: 2K Games
Release Date: Oct. 5, 2010
System: Wii (reviewed), PC
ESRB Rating: E-10+
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Ay diddle dee dee, a pirate’s life for Wii.

0:00 I put a decent amount of time into the updated PC version of this one already, so my main interest today is how this classic title transfers over to the Wii’s control scheme.

0:01 Nice short trumpet fanfare on the preview screen. Also, the game is saving already? I haven’t done anything yet...

0:03 “It began with a celebration. Indebted for many years to Marquis Montelban a families honor would soon be restored.” But the Marquis and his men come in to seize their property and sell them in to bondage. The boy runs off, refusing to be a slave. Ten years later, he continues his quest for revenge. The familiar opening looks a little grainy and rough on my HDTV.

0:05 I like the default name Incognito so much I decide to keep it. I choose the middle difficulty, Adventurer, because it features more dangerous sea battles and more treacherous villains. I decide to choose gunnery as my skill, since I always had problems aiming in the sea battles of the PC version. Let’s start in the default year of 1660.

***-->CONTINUE READING<--***

***-->AT GAMERONI<-***

___________________________________________________

Wii Party

Developer: Nintendo EAD

Publisher: Nintendo
Release Date: Oct. 3, 2010
System: Wii
ESRB Rating: E
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Everything's better with Mii-pets?

0:00 I'm a bigger fan than most of the Mario Party series, and I've been led to understand this is the spiritual successor to that, with customizable Miis in place of Mario characters. So I'm pretty excited.

0:01 As usual when I play party games for lunch, I am playing today in the sub-optimal single-player mode. I feel like I've played enough of these party games to know which mini-games will be fun with a group, even if that group isn't here right now...

0:03 A bunch of highly animated Miis float by in translucent bubbles on the title screen. Also, an airliner, a die and a dog float by, for some reason. The music here will be familiar to anyone who's played Wii Sports, Wii Fit, etc.

0:04 The host looks like a cross between the host from Buzz, Kyle's brother Ike from South park, who's dressed like a more flamboyant Professor Layton and talks like Beaker from the Muppets. REFERENCES! Oh, he's “Party Phil!"

0:05 Party Phil introduces the three main game types: Party Games, Pair Games and House Party games, the last of which “use your living room as part of the fun." I smell a lawsuit over a broken coffee table...

***-->CONTINUE READING<--***

***-->AT GAMERONI<-***

___________________________________________________

Little King's Story

Developers: Cing, Town Factory

Publisher: Xseed Games
Release Date: July 21, 2009
System: Wii
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Farmville + Pikmin + an extra helping of cute.

0:00 I remember hearing surprisingly good things about this one when it hit last year, and it just now finally came up on my Netflix queue. High hopes abound as a trumpet fanfare and little shadow puppets dance around the preview screen.

0:01 A tinny a capella choir sings over the title screen. A velvet curtain pulls back to reveal two small puppets on popsicle sticks dancing about. "I am more noble than you, and he is more noble than me? The rich are more noble than the poor and those who work hard are more noble than the lazy? Than who is most noble of them all." Heady stuff...

0:02 The camera pans out to reveal a boy playing with the puppets. He follows a family of rats out into the forest, where he finds a magical crown. "They say the boy became a magnificent king, and all people and animals, one and all, they all became his loyal followers. and somehow, in some such way, the boy was no longer lonely." The art style and the voice-over narration are incredibly endearing. I just want to melt..

0:04 "Pomp and Circumstance" plays over options screen for some reason. I turn the difficulty up to Hard because I assume the game is tuned for little kids.

0:05 I choose a "random" file name and get the title "King Xerxes." As I start a new game I'm treated to some soaring music over shots of nature rendered in dreamy pastels. "This is our kingdom, the kingdom of Alpoko. Let's go inside your castle. It's a little slapdash, but isn't it grand nonetheless?" This is all through subtitles of the game's Simlish-style language, unfortunately. The title appears for the third time in five minutes...

***-->CONTINUE READING<--***

***-->AT GAMERONI<-***

___________________________________________________

Sin & Punishment: Star Successor

Developer: Treasure

Publisher: Nintendo
Release Date: June 27, 2010
System: Wii
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Bullet heaven.

0:00 I played this for literally five seconds or so at some E3 or another without really feeling it. I know the original Sin & Punishment is held up as some sort of paragon by hardcore shmup fans, so my expectations are kind of high.

0:01 I can hear the Wii disc drive going a bit nutso as the game loads on a black screen. Synth-heavy Japanese techno playing over the title screen reminds me a bit of Metroid Prime. The Wii Remote pointer I use to enter my file name is a lizard, for some reason.

0:02 I can use the Remote and Nunchuk, the Classic Controller, the Gamecube controller or the Wii Zapper. Personally I'd rather have one well-designed control option than three confusing ones...

0:05 After some options setting, I start a new single-player game on Normal difficulty. I go with female Kachi rather than male Isa, figuring I'll need her auto-lock ability to help me through what's supposed to be a very tough game.

***-->CONTINUE READING<--***

***-->AT GAMERONI<-***

___________________________________________________

Guilty Party

Developer: Wideload Games

Publisher: Disney Interactive
Release Date: Aug. 31, 2010
System: Wii
ESRB Rating: E
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Why is this game so endearing? It's a mystery...

0:00 Usually I wouldn't be this excited about yet another Wii party game, but I've heard surprisingly positive things about this title from people I respect, so I jumped at the chance to get a review copy.

0:01 I know I'm supposed to play this game with multiple people, but I'm a lonely misanthrope so I'm just gonna go it alone today. Nice tinkly spy music loops on the preview screen.

0:02 Loading, logos and the title appears in front of a salt-and-pepper-bearded man, contemplating something in an ornate chair. '60s style doo-wop singers come in: "There's been a crime/A crook is on the loose/You have to act/Before he cooks your goose. ... You have to find the guilty party before the guilty party finds you!" Catchy.

0:03 On to story mode, where I have my chocie of six stereotypical-looking detectives. I go with big fat lug in a fedora, Max. I can only choose the Rookie difficulty and the Prologue chapter. What is it with party games locking content? I was forced to play the single player version of WarioWare: Smooth Moves at a party recently because we didn't have the multiplayer mode unlocked yet. Ugh.

0:06 More loading. Love the piano-heavy backing music. "I see you've accepted my offer in a refresher course in the art of detection," says salt-and-pepper beard (S&PB) to all six detectives. "Mom said we can't have dinner unless we humor you," says Max.

***-->CONTINUE READING<--***

***-->AT GAMERONI<-***

___________________________________________________

F1 2009

Developer: Sumo Digital

Publisher: Codemasters

Release Date: Nov 17, 2009

Systems: Wii (reviewed) PSP, iPhone

ESRB Rating: E

Official Web site

In a nutshell: This race is too easy. This race is too hard. This race is NOT just right.

0:00 I usually prefer my virtual driving in kart or off-road form, but damned if I didn't wake up this morning wanting to race something, and this is the only unplayed racing game I have on hand.

0:01 Stirring synthesized trumpet music on the preview screen. I could see listening to this while doing a Rocky-style training montage.

0:02 Lots of wispy graphs and green speed lines whoosh around a hot-as-hell F1 car. The signal turns from red to green and it zooms down the road at warp speed, blurring everything around it. The rather pedestrian title screen with that trumpet music again.

0:03 I name my racer Brock Driverson because that's the kind of mood I'm in today. I choose Qatar as my country, for tax purposes.

0:05 I turn on the racing line, steering assist, predictive braking, anti-skid, anti-wheel-spin, and automatic transmission. I may as well not even be driving.

***-->CONTINUE READING AT<--***

***-->JOYSTICK DIVISION<--***

___________________________________________________

Mad World

Developer: Platinum Games
Publisher: Sega
Release Date: March 10, 2009
System: Wii
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Fucking ream those fuckers with some ridiculously fucking over-the-top violence!

0:00 I believe I bought this one on hype alone, then proceeded to not touch it for over a year now. Let's see if stylish ultra-violence can work on the Wii.

0:01 There's a silent chainsaw blade rotating around the "orld" part of the title. HARDCORE!

0:02 An overhead angle shot of a metropolis in stark black lines on a white background. Comic-book-style panels show close up scenes of disaster -- flaming cars, bridges reduced to rubble. A flaming skyline. "As you can see, all eight bridges to Jefferson Island have been cut," says a newscaster. "There is no traffic getting on or off the island." Communications have been blacked out for 18 hours and the cops have been told to stay away. "We have no intention of giving in to any such demands," says the police commissioner just as a helicopter explodes. The mayor says "all necessary measures are being taken" and that he's personally authorized a special team of marines to go in. I didn't know mayors could just order in the Marines. Isn't that the president's job?

0:04 Zoom in on Jefferson City. A reject from Frank Miller's Dark Knight comics throws another into a flaming barrel. A spiky haired punk waves an equally spiky bat. One more thug beats a defenseless man on the ground. A low zoom starts on my character's boots, then pans up and out to show him taking a slow drag on a cigarette. He reminds me of Hellboy without the horns. "Who, me? Ready as always." Um... who are you talking to? No one said anything requiring a response.

***-->CONTINUE READING AT<--***
***-->JOYSTICK DIVISION<-***
___________________________________________________

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption

Developer: Nintendo

Publisher: Nintendo

Release Date: Aug. 27, 2007

System: Wii

ESRB Rating: T

Official Web site

In a nutshell: Like The Conduit, but good.

0:00 I liked the first Metroid Prime well enough, right up until the backtrack-filled collection-fest right before the final boss. I guess it left a bad taste in my mouth, because I've skipped the two sequels up to this point. Even when Nintendo sent me the "Trilogy" collection last summer, it kind of got lost in the rush of releases. Still, I'm interested to see how the Wii controls work with the game.

0:01 A camera zooms back through a series of intricately interlocking rings. Is this the barrel of Samus' gun? "Nintendo Presents ...Developed by Retro Studios ... Metroid Prime Trilogy" Familiar Metroid chanting in the background.

0:02 "Nunchuk is required." says the game. "Nunchuk is already plugged in, you stupid game," says me.

0:03 "Lock on/Free Aim" lets me move the targeting reticle around the screen while I'm locked on to an enemy. I'm not sure if this will be useful or annoying yet, but let's try it.

0:04 Do I want A to be the fire button and B the jump button or vice versa? I try to picture it in my head and decide using my thumb for frequent firing will be more comfortable. Also, something called "HUD Lag" defaults to the on position. Why would "lag" ever be a good thing?

0:05 OK, let's get going, at Normal difficulty. The camera pans dramatically around Samus as she fires a celebratory(?) charged shot.

***-->CONTINUE READING AT<--***

***-->JOYSTICK DIVISION<-***

___________________________________________________

Valhalla Knights: Eldar Saga

Developer: Marvelous Entertainment

Publisher: Xseed Games

Release Date: Sept. 29, 2009

System: Wii

ESRB Rating: T

Official Web site

In a nutshell: More like Eldar SNORE-ga... amirite?

0:00 This game already has one strike against it for the stereotypically bad fantasy misspelling of "Elder" in the title. But it's been sitting on my shelf for over nine months now, so I suppose I have to try it out at some point. My expectations are extremely low, let's put it that way.

0:01 A valley with mountains in the distance. A meteor shower lights the background. "Legends of old tell of a great rain of stars falling to earth. Perhaps it was an omen telling of the calamities later to befall mankind." Red eyes appear in the smoke. An armored knight battles monsters along with a blonde female archer. He unleashes a spin attack as the blonde sends out some freezing magic. An old wizard watches through a handheld wisp of fire. The knight and the blonde look at each other with blank expressions before fighting a gigantic cyclops. The knight slashes at the camera and the title appears. It's so cliche I almost think it might be a parody.

0:05 I can choose from "Episode 1: Fragment of the Almighty" or" Episode 2: Standing at the End." There is no option for "Episode 3: Non-Ridiculous Subtitle," unfortunately.

***-->CONTINUE READING AT<--***

***-->JOYSTICK DIVISION<-***

___________________________________________________

Endless Ocean: Blue World

Developer: Arika

Publisher: Nintendo

Release Date: Feb. 22, 2010

System: Wii

ESRB Rating: E10+

Official Web site

In a nutshell: You got first-person shooter in my ocean exploration game. And I don't like it!

0:00 I'm in the mood for a nice relaxing game this morning, and if this sequel is anything like the first Endless Ocean, I should be nearly comatose momentarily. In a good way.

0:01 A blinding look into the sun, then an abrupt transition to the title in front of palm trees. A female voice warbles melodically as gulls fly over the water. I have trouble making out most of the lyrics over the sound of the water lapping against the shore. Sound balancing FAIL.

0:03 A whale crests below yet more gulls before doing a massive jump out of the water. It's part of a group of four, and one of them spouts a massive gusher as the credits roll. The singer is back with yet another warbly song. The camera pans back to show a large school of whales spread out across the sea.

0:04 "Incredible... I've never seen so many in one place," says a young girl in a yellow and red wetsuit from a small fishing boat. "It's like every whale in the ocean is here," says the gruff, white-bearded captain next to her. "So your intuition was right on," he says, turning to my first-person perspective. A thin black guy who's also on the boat asks if I "really want to dive with all these whales around? It could be dangerous." I answer that "I'm that kind of guy" rather than "that kind of girl."

***-->CONTINUE READING AT<--***

***-->JOYSTICK DIVISION<-***

___________________________________________________

Red Steel 2

Developer: Ubisoft Paris

Publisher: Ubisoft

Release Date: March 23, 2010

System: Wii

ESRB Rating: T

Official Web site

In a nutshell: Slashes, shoots and leaves

0:00 I wasn't very impressed with the first Red Steel thanks to bland, repetitive gameplay and a general lack of character. This one adds support for the Wii Motion Plus accessory, which seems unlikely to solve either of these problems on its own.

0:01 Old west music plays as a huge sun beats down on the title. Easy, Medium and Ninja modes are for beginner, experienced and "True Master" players, respectively. Let's go with Medium.

0:02 Looking up at a too-bright sky from a first-person perspective. Vultures circle around the lens flare. Fade to white again, and when I come to an unseen voice sounds concerned. "Won't that tear his hands off?" "That'd be nice. Save me the trouble." A big bad biker dude comes into focus, a rope trailing from his hog to near my position. He rides off and I see my arms in front of me as I'm dragged across the desert, through cacti, under trucks and down a drainage ditch like the one in American Graffiti. Wow, this would be really thrillnig to actually play, instead of just watching...

0:03 Eventually I get one hand free, grab a gun and shoot the bike, After the resulting explosion, we cut to close up of a gun lit by firelight and pan over to my hand as I get up, slowly. The biker jumps through the fire. "I'm gonna cut your throat with your own katana. Ain't that poetic." I kick him away and into yet another explosion. "You'll pay for that! In blood!" Poetic isn't the word that comes to mind...

0:05 Finally in control, I'm told to find my gun, which I quickly do, reloading it with a quick one-handed motion. In the background, the biker says he's "got gold for the man who brings me his skin."

***-->CONTINUE READING AT<--***

***-->JOYSTICK DIVISION<-***

___________________________________________________

Super Mario Galaxy 2

​Developer: Nintendo

Publisher: Nintendo

Release Date: May 23, 2010

System: Wii

ESRB Rating: E

Official Web site

In a nutshell: Welcome back, Yoshi.

0:00 Let's see, I got my start in this business running a Mario fansite, and the first Super Mario Galaxy was far and away my favorite game of 2007, so to say I'm excited for this game would be a BIT of an understatement. Of course, this means I can only be disappointed if it doesn't live up to my expectations.

0:01 "Super Mario Galaxy... WOOHOO!" says the familiar voice of Charles Martinet on the preview screen. Seems a bit hollow without any background music. BAD START! THIS GAME WILL BE HORRIBLE!

0:02 The familiar title theme from the first Mario Galaxy rings out as the title appears in a flash of light. Mario flies around a blue, star-speckled sky in the background. I create a file by stamping my Miis face on a planet, just like in the last game. Ah, familiarity.

0:03 "Now, let me tell you a new story that also begins with stardust." Wait, "also"? Is this how the first one started? Let me check. Oh, I guess so. I can't say I really remember Mario Galaxy's story very well...

0:04 "Dear Mario, Would you like to share some cake while we watch the shooting stars? Meet me at the castle! -Peach." Man, Peach is really fond of writing letters. It's 2010, girl! Get an e-mail account!

0:05 Mario pops out of a pipe and I'm suddenly in control, running Mario left and right along a 2D plane in front of the Princess' familiar castle. It might just be me, but the controls feel uncharacteristically sluggish... it takes a bit too long for Mario to get up to speed.

***-->CONTINUE READING AT<--***

***-->JOYSTICK DIVISION<-***

___________________________________________________

Bit.Trip Runner

Developer: Gaijin Games

Publisher: Aksys Games

Release Date: May 17, 2010

System: Wii

ESRB Rating: E

Official Web site

In a nutshell: Trippy retro rhythm platform timing jumping action GO!

0:00 I've liked the Bit.Trip games in the past, but I absolutely loved this rhythm/platform game hybrid when I tried it out briefly at this year's Game Developers Conference. The guy running the booth said I was a natural when I blazed through a few levels on the first try. Aw, shucks.

0:01 I spend a few minutes clearing off enough space on my Wii's internal memory to host the 319 blocks this game needs to run. I'm sure I'll ignore the Mario Kart channel just as much on the SD card as on the main menu screen...

0:04 I'm watching my sister down in Maryland this week, which means I get to play this game on my dad's 1,000,000 inch flat screen TV. OK, it's really only 70 inches or so, but it's still a bit disconcerting to see the games blocky, retro graphics on such a huge screen.

0:05 A bunch of logos, then the title appears with some bouncy chiptunes and a very strong backbeat. Commander Video -- an black obelisk with arms, legs and a white slit for eyes -- runs in place on the main menu screen, with an early '80s rainbow trail behind him. Zone 1, named Impetus, is the only one available. Level 1-1 is named First Contact, appropriately enough.

***-->CONTINUE READING AT<--***

***-->JOYSTICK DIVISION<-***

___________________________________________________

Super Monkey Ball: Step and Roll

Developer: Sega

Publisher: Sega

Release Date: Feb. 9, 2010

System: Wii

ESRB Rating: E

Official Web site

​

In a nutshell: A step towards frustrating controls.

0:00 I've been a huge Super Monkey Ball fan since I pre-ordered the first game along with my Gamecube back in 2001. I'm a little worried that the Balance Board won't be precise enough for the tight controls these games need, but this is probably the closest simulation I'll get to actually being in a Monkey Ball, at least until I can buy one of these.

0:01 The preview screen features what sounds like Meemee and Aiai having a conversation in a high-pitched, chittering monkey language. Quite the annoying way to start a game.

0:02 A monkey in a sleeveless tee yells at Gongon for sleeping on a pile of bananas. Then the Sega logo pops up and we get a title screen with monkeys running by on a rainbow in the background. The super-cheerful music makes up for the annoying chittering from before.

0:04 The Wii Balance Board is on and confirmed working. Apparently you can play without it, which I think is a bad sign... like they didn't trust the Balance Board controls to carry the game. Let's start with the main game. I choose Gongon because he's the picture of monkey masculinity, just like me.

***-->CONTINUE READING AT<--***

***-->JOYSTICK DIVISION<-***

___________________________________________________

Ju-on The Grudge: Haunted House Simulator

Developer: feelplus

Publisher: Xseed

Release Date: Oct. 13, 2009

System: Wii

ESRB Rating: M

Official Web site

In a nutshell: Cheap thrills... emphasis on the cheap.

0:00 After playing Alan Wake a bit, I'm on a horror game kick. What better way to satisfy it than with this Haunted House Simulator that's been sitting on my pile for months. All I remember about the movie of the same name is that the trailer looked awful.

0:01 I'm playing this at 9 in the morning with the sun streaming in through the blinds. Hardly ideal for creating a scary atmosphere, but it is what it is.

0:02 Grainy, handheld video of an alley, a roof, a door to an old-fashioned house being opened. Slippers and trash on the floor. In the bathroom, a sink full of hair. A cloaked figure stands in the sunny kitchen. A mannequin presses against a frosted window. The door slams. Bloody napkins everywhere. A woman in a white shroud with black hair draped over her face. Jumpy close ups of her eye. Title screen. They're obviously going for a Blair Witch Project vibe, but I'm less scared than confused.

0:03 In addition to three selectable files, there's something called "courage test." How can I resist trying something like that?

0:04 The game asks for my gender and Zodiac sign. I'm a Leo. The only episode available is "Rundown Factory." Like, Zoinks, Scooby!

0:05 A golden retriever scampers along with the camera close in on his back, pointed towards the ground. Awkward panting as he comes upon a man with naked legs. "Oh that Ivy running off like that," says white text on a black background. "I wonder what she saw? This factory looks like it hasn't been used in forever..." Then a title card that simply reads, "Erika."

***-->CONTINUE READING AT<--***

***-->JOYSTICK DIVISION<-***

___________________________________________________

Walk It Out

Developer: Hudson Soft

Publisher: Konami

Release Date: Jan. 12, 2010

System: Wii

ESRB Rating: E10+

Official Web site

In a nutshell: Walk it out of your list of desired games.

0:00 I will admit, there was a bit of morbid curiosity involved in requesting a review copy of this game from Konami. That and the title reminds me of Entourage. Walk it out, Bitch!

0:01 On the preview screen, a perky, heavily accented voice chirps: "Come on over. Welcome ot the de-mining." I'm pretty sure I'm mis-hearing this, but I've listened to it 6 times now and that's the best I've got. My wife is equally stumped. Who knew this game would be so confusing even before the title screen?

0:02 "Hey, I'm Liz and I'm a personal trainer," says an impossibly fit woman talking in front of quick cut scenes from the game. "It's time to walk it out and get fit to over 100 of your favorite songs. ... That's right, I'm talking to you, Dad." A bewildered looking father gets extremely excited about walking in place."Looking good. Come on kids. Great work, keep it up. ... So, if you aren't breaking a sweat just yet, you will be." Um, I already have the game... do I really need to watch an ad for it? Maybe this was designed to attract people watching an in-store kiosk, but I have to wonder... what store is lame enough to put Walk It Out! in a kiosk?

0:03 I choose the Single Player mode because I'm relatively sure I have no friends who would be willing to walk in place with me.

0:04 "Hi there, my name is Nancy," says a cartoon girl with a headset mic. "I'm here to help you with the game so you can get walking." What happened to Liz? "Don't worry, I'm not going to ask you about boyfriends or girlfriends or anything like that, honest!" Um, I wasn't worried. Also, I will freely admit that I am married.

0:05 Now I get to customize my avatar. A Type is "more masculine" while B Type is "more feminine" Why not just let me choose a gender, like every other game? Maybe I only get to be a masculine guy or a feminine guy... is that it?

***-->CONTINUE READING AT<--***

***-->JOYSTICK DIVISION<--***

___________________________________________________

No More Heroes

Developer: Grasshopper Manufacture

Publisher: Ubisoft

Release Date: Jan. 22, 2008

System: Wii

ESRB Rating: M

Official Web site

In a nutshell: Light sabers + philosophical ramblings + copious amounts of blood = No More Heroes

0:00 I've heard from numerous people that this game is batshit insane (in a good way), so it seemed worth a $10 gamble during a recent Gamefly sale. Also, I have some catching up to do, since No More Heroes 2 is already months old.

0:01 Company logos, then a flag I don't recognize flaps in the breeze. The title appears as an unlit neon sign atop a building. The instruction "Press A" appears as a series of rotating 3D cubes, for some reason.

0:02 Selectable difficulties are "Sweet" and "Mild," the latter of which promises that "many strong men await you." Mmmm... strong men...

0:03 A guy in a stylish red leather jacket walks out of the last room of a motel as the camera pans down and away. He just stands there, implying I should do something, I guess. So I run to the stairs using the Nunchuk's thumbstick, and he walks down to his bike in a cut scene, whistling tunelessly as he goes. He hops on the hog and he's off.

0:04 "I know a lot of gamers out there don't have much patience... at least that's what Bishop, the dude at the video store said," narrates our protagonist as we get a bunch of really quick cuts. "So I'm at the register and I realize I've got no money, I'm seriously broke" Why? Because he met a smoking hot chick at the deathmatch bar, and she smelled good, and he's a gentleman, so he bought her a drink. Then he got a job... "assassinate the drifter." The guy showed up, and the narrator "couldn't tell if he was the shit or just all shit." He was "styling, fast, aggressive, packing heat. Bada-bing" -- he beheads the guy in silhouette. Enter Sylvia Crystal, "an agent with some whatchamacallit association" She certifies him as the 11th best hitman in the world and invites him to aim for the top. "I want to be No. 1. How's that? Short and simple enough for you? It's gonna be a long road... who knows... may be awesome, may be dangerous... Whaddya say bro? Join me... And for you there, holding the Wii Remote, just press the A button. Let the bloodshed begin." Batshit insane doesn't even begin to describe it...

***-->CONTINUE READING AT<--***

***-->JOYSTICK DIVISION<--***

___________________________________________________

We Cheer 2

Developer: Namco Bandai

Publisher: Namco Bandai

Release Date: Nov. 3, 2009

System: Wii

ESRB Rating: E

Official Web site

In a nutshell: "Just try to have fun with it!"

0:00 This game's been sitting on my "crap-looking games publishers send to me for some reason" pile for way too long now. My wife encouraged me to try it out today, but challenged me to do so in a way that included "no misogynistic comments of any kind." Ooh, I love a challenge.

0:01 I load up the preview screen and hear "We Cheer 2" intoned by some perky-sounding female cheerleaders who I'm sure are thoughtful, independent people with myriad interests outside of cheerleading, such as math and science.

0:02 A thought just occurred to me: I didn't play the first We Cheer. Will I be able to follow the complex storyline in this game without that experience?

0:04 The file select screen lists the time played as "000h00m00s." This implies that they they assume someone will play this game for at least 100 hours. Possibly up to 999 hours. Hey, it could happen...

0:05 Wailing metal guitar plays behind the name entry screen. The on-screen keyboard is presented with no instructions of any kind -- not even "Enter your name" or something. I give my character a nice empowering name: "Womyn."

***-->CONTINUE READING AT<--***

***-->JOYSTICK DIVISION<--***

___________________________________________________

Fragile Dreams: Farewell Ruins of the Moon

Developers: Namco, Tri-Crescendo
Publisher: Xseed
Release Date: March 16, 2010
System: Wii
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: One part Japanese philosophy, one part looking for stuff with a flashlight, one part super-simple combat, five parts cut scenes.

0:00 About the only things I know about this game are: 1) the publishers were nice enough to send me a copy and 2) it has a completely awesome title. Either of those alone would be enough to get it an hour of play on Games for Lunch.

0:01 I seriously can't remember the last new Wii game I played that didn't require the Nunchuk. This one is no exception.

0:02 A white-haired anime girl lies on the watery ground. Pan up to a purple haired anime boy with lots of belts on his shirt. Elegant piano music plays over the title screen.

0:03 Part of me wants to choose the Japanese voice actors, because they're almost always better. Part of me wants the English ones just to laugh at how bad I'm sure they'll be.

0:04 Falling through a watery void. A high pitched squeal in the background as the clouds in the sky come into view. "At the very end of a summer that was all too short, the old man I was living with passed away. And even after all the years we spent together I never knew his name. Later that evening, I dug a shallow grave in the front yard of our home and buried him there." The screen fades to black. "At that moment I was truly alone in the world." Creepy!

0:05 Cut to a blocky 3D observatory, with faint moonlight streaming in. "It's so dark I can hardly see," says my character. Me too... I'm tempted to turn up the brightness on the TV. "If I crank open the dome, then I can let in some moonlight."

***-->CONTINUE READING AT<--***
***-->JOYSTICK DIVISION<--***

___________________________________________________