Major Minor's Majestic March

Developer: NanaOnSha
Publisher: Majesco
Release Date: March 24, 2009
System: Wii
ESRB Rating: E
Official Web site

In a nutshell: You're going too fast ... or is it too slow? Whatever it is, it's not right...

0:00 I was pretty unimpressed with the very early demo of this game at I saw E3 2008, but more impressed with a recent showing at GDC. Erin's review has disheartened me yet again, but I still have to give the creator of PaRappa the Rapper and UmJammer Lammy the benefit of the doubt until I actually play the final version.

0:01 The camera pans through two lines of animals playing an interesting, constantly bending marching tune. They're led by a tall orange guy with a long face. The low-res 3-D models evoke the strong art style of the 2-D cutouts of the PaRappa games.

0:02 "Turn up the Wii Remote volume settings in the HOME Menu first or you won't be able to hear GGGG!" Good advice! Er, what's GGGG?

0:03 "The Marching Family Story" book opens to reveal "The Legend of the Magic Baton: In the not so distant past, the people of March Town were well known for their party spirit. They especially loved marching parades." Imagine that! Major Minor was a cat who wanted to lead a marching band as a drum major. His friend Tom suggested using his Great Great Grandma Gladiola's (GGGG!) baton. But it's a family heirloom with supposedly magical powers. Minor is convinced, and waves the magic baton around. Tom magically gets a snare drum! The spirit of GGGG speaks, urging him to carry on the family tradition of great drum majoring. So Minor and Tom begin their quest "to be the greatest marching band ever." Wow, tough competition there...

0:06 How to hold the Wii Remote: "Don't even think about holding it sideways." Stand up straight and wave it "snappily." Wave it sloppily and no one will want to follow you. Don't wave it too hard, though. Needs a lot of explanation! "Truly, the best Drum Majors have poise and grace." Truly!

***-->CONTINUE READING AT CRISPY GAMER<--***

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Parappa the Rapper (PSP)

Developer: SCEI
Publisher: SCEI
Release Date: July 17, 2007
System: PSP
ESRB Rating: E
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Kick, punch, you all remember, Chop Chop back again, yes, forever.

0:01 I can't actually start the game because I have to run a firmware update. The firmware update won't run because the battery is at 44%. The fact that the PSP is plugged into the wall doesn't seem to matter. I'll continue when the battery is charged.
0:15 I check on the charging system and find it's charged enough to update.
0:16 Firmware update completed, restarting the system. This intro seems familiar. Oh yeah, maybe because I saw it on the original PlayStation game ten years ago...
0:17 "When Jet Baby loves, she loves all of the children." What's this game rated again? Also, Parappa orders water? Who orders water at Chunky Burger?
0:18 I decide to try downloading some song remixes from the Internet, because that's really the only justification for this $30 portable re-release of a ten-year-old game as far as I'm concerned.
0:20 Two minutes of entering my wireless settings later, and I'm almost ready to start.
0:21 Connecting... the "key information exchange timed out," whatever that means. Trying again.
0:22 One more time...
0:25 Still not working... I wonder why they couldn't have just included some remixes on the disc itself.
0:26 After running through setup again and checking some web settings, it finally works. I'm finally ready to downloading after I read (read: skip) two screen worth of licensing agreement.
0:28 Finally downloading. I choose "Music A" for Stage 1 because I am a big fan of the "A" genre of music. Seriously, why don't they give some sort of description of these remixes before you download them?
0:32 I'm finally done downloading a remix for every stage. Time to play! Wait... apparently the stuff I just downloaded is locked. I have to beat the non-remixed stage first? ARGH! I did that ten years ago! Can't I just plug in my PlayStation memory card or something?
0:33 "You gotta do what? I gotta believe" You really do have to believe in order to play this game.
0:37 Finished playing through Chop Chop Master Onion's stage yet again. One of the things that has always bugged me about this game -- it's hard to tell whether or not you're on beat. The evaluations come late and don't tell you which notes you actually missed. The freestyle system is hard to master too.
0:38 All right, now the first downloaded remix is unlocked. This should be fun.
0:41 It's... sort of a twangy western version of the song. Same lyrics, same buttons, same timing, same everything except the background instruments. This is what I wasted 15 minutes on?
0:42 Back to the main game. The cut scenes are just as endearingly weird as ever.
0:44 "When I say boom boom boom/You say bam bam bam/No pause in between/Come on let's jam." For some reason I've always loved this line.
0:45 I complete the stage with no mistakes. It's practically muscle memory at this point.
0:46 The next stage is titled "My Dad's Gonna Bite Me." What's this game... never mind. It's too easy.
0:47 "All you ever need is to be nice and friendly." Later: "Money money money is all you need." Make up your mind, Master Fleaswallow!
0:49 The next stage is a cooking show. "My style is rich, dope, phat, in which/We'll make a cake today that looks rich." That almost sounds like English.
0:50 "The other day I was called a little turkey/But I'm a chicken, got it, ya beef jerky?" This line always cracks me up for no good reason.
0:52 I fail the song, but I have no idea why. I thought I was doing OK, actually...
0:53 This time I don't even make it to the end of the song. Nuts to this... time to try some more remixes.
0:56 The driving test remix has a techno beat with lots of sound effects. Pretty cool.
0:58 The Stage 3 remix is surf anthem reggae? I never thought I would hear those two sounds combined. But it works pretty well!

Would I play this game for more than an hour? Reluctantly.
Why? Only to hear all the remixes. And because I haven't technically played for an hour yet.

This review based on a retail copy provided by Sony.