Metal Gear Solid 4

Developer: Kojima Productions
Publisher: Konami
Release Date:June 12, 2008
System: PS3
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web site

In a nutshell: War has changed. Now, it's really confusing...

0:00 I loved the first Metal Gear Solid, struggled to understand the second, and stopped a few hours into the third. That trend is not encouraging.

0:00.5 Just to be clear, I fully expect to be watching cut scenes for the entirety of this first hour.

0:01 The game at least has the decency to tell me that the mandatory installation will take roughly eight minutes. A highly realistic Snake smokes in the background. "Avoid playing when you are tired," says an on-screen warnings. Because the plot will make even less sense?

0:02 More warnings: Use an ashtray, take 15 minute breaks every hour, stop playing if you feel ill. I can't tell if they're going for over-the-top funny or deadpan serious with these things.

0:04 Further warnings talk about proper handling of the game disc. Looks like "deadpan serious" wins the battle. Installation is 35-percent complete.

0:05 The enemies will use "sight, sound and smell" to detect me. Smell? Really? Does Snake needs a portable shower?

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Metal Gear Solid (GBC)

Developer: Konami
Publisher: Konami
Release Date: May 5, 2000
System: Game Boy Color
ESRB Rating: E

In a nutshell: Tiny Gear Solid? Metal Gear Tiny? Metal Tiny Tiny?

0:00 I distinctly remember this game getting a glowing review in Next Generation magazine, which rarely reviewed Game Boy Color games at all. Eight years later, it's less than five bucks at a GameStop clearance sale. How could I resist?

0:01 A silhouette of a plane flies by with a low-pitched whine. Close-up on Snake in the dark. Man, I really forgot how blocky Game Boy Color graphics were back in the day. Colonel Campbell pays Snake a visit: "It's been a long time, Snake." "Didn't expect to see you again," replies the retired mercenary. They share some scotch, which surprises me given the game's E rating. Snake built the house himself. "Didn't know you were a carpenter," Campbell says. Didn't you know? Snake is Jesus!

0:02 It's been three years since Snake left for Alaska and the world is on the brink of nuclear destruction. Yes, again! Campbell is droning on about some guys who stole some nukes in South America: "It was Metal Gear." Cure the dramatic, yet incredibly tinny, music at the mere mention of these bipedal nuke-launchers. This whole thing seems a bit melodramatic and silly without the quality voice acting that carried the PlayStation original.

0:03 The U.S. government continued Metal Gear development even after Snake destroyed it seven years ago. Man, how many times does he have to destroy this thing? It's now in "Gindra," a small country in central Africa that's in the middle of a civil war. The armed separatists have Metal Gear, an armed, charismatic leader and a virtually impenetrable fortress. That's not a good combination. "So they plan to win their independence by threatening nuclear strikes with Metal Gear." Way to state the obvious, Political Science Snake.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Vampire Rain

Developer: Artoon
Publisher: Microsoft Game Studios
Release Date: July 3, 2007
Systems: Xbox 360
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web Site

In a nutshell: In a nutshell: Like "Chocolate Rain," but with a few more vampires.

0:00 I have no idea what to expect from this one. Vampires falling from the sky, perhaps? With a title this bad, though, it has to be good, right?

0:01 A dark city street, and a waitress walking home. She turns, thinking she heard something. She has a very dark, very baggy face. She runs into an alley. We still haven't seen anything, but there's an eerie howling. Suddenly, a vampire crawls down from the wall above, Spider-Man style. Cut to a "for sale" sign. A government computer. A password. Some germs. Pictures of diseased faces. Blood cells. A fat guy. Lord Hessler, a guy linked to some disappearances (says a newspaper clipping). Crime scene photos. A SWAT team. ACCESS DENIED. Dr. Ernst Foley and Emily Foley and John Lloyd are missing. A chained hand. Bullet casings falling. A vampire mouth. Gun. Girl. Blood. Steely-eyed resolve. A zombie straight out of Resident Evil does an extended scream. More bullet casings. "NOW LOADING." WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

0:04 The analog pad can't navigate the menus. You have to use the digital pad. This does not bode well.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer