The Secret of Monkey Island: Special Edition

Developer: LucasArts
Publisher: LucasArts
Release Date: July 15, 2009
System: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PC
ESRB Rating: E-10+
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Oh ... so THAT'S what's everyone's been talking about all this time...

0:00 As I discussed in my review of the new Tales of Monkey Island, I've managed to avoid this series for years; nay, decades, despite mounds of hyperbolic praise from practically every gamer I know. Thus, the expectations (and the possibility for disappointment) have been set exceptionally high. If this isn't the funniest, best-designed game ever made, it is a TOTAL FAILURE!

0:01 A pixilated pirate walks out, looks at a map, digs at an X, opens a chest, and "WOW!" it's the LucasArts logo. Cute. Then a plain, empty title screen on a blue background. Not as cute. I like the jaunty xylophone music on the menu screen.

0:02 A dark, pixilated mountain shines in the distance. "Deep in the Caribbean ... The island of Melee." The opening credits scroll by as the mountain turns into a high-definition painting. The jaunty xylophone tune is now accompanied by a gentle flute. Catchy!

0:03 The credits finish with a seagull's caw. "Hi! My name's Guybrush Threepwood and I want to be a pirate," says the white-shirted pirate to a guy with a white beard standing by a fire. "You look more like a flooring inspector," he replies, in part. But he sends Guybrush (aka me) off to the Scumm Bar to find pirate leaders anyway."Part One: The Three Trials."

0:04 There's quite a disconnect between the extremely detailed HD graphics and the extremely small number of animation frames. It's like watching a Pixar movie through a zoetrope.

0:05 In control now, I move a cursor around and click the first thing I see, a poster with a woman on it. "Re-elect Governor Marley. When there's only one candidate, there's only one choice." Um, true?

***-->CONTINUE READING AT CRISPY GAMER<--***

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Star Wars: The Clone Wars: Lightsaber Duels

Developer: Krome Studios
Publisher: LucasArts
Release Date: Nov. 11, 2008
System: Wii
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web Site

In a nutshell: You'll like it if you're one of those idiots that liked the prequels.
0:00 When I bought Star Wars: The Clone Wars: Lightsaber Duels, the clerk tried to up-sell me a $20 light-up lightsaber attachment for the Wii remote. I asked, "Does it help you play the game?" He replied, totally deadpan, "It can't hurt." I consider this a bad sign.

0:01 OK, the TV made the little lightsaber charge-up sound when I went to the preview screen. That's totally awesome.

0:02 The game needs a Nunchuk? I don't remember a dangly thumbstick bit hanging down from the lightsabers in the original trilogy! Laaaame.

0:04 Difficulties are: Youngling, Padawan, Jedi Knight and Grand Master. Well, I know what SOME of those words mean! I go for the "Jedi in Training" Padawan Campaign.

0:05 "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away," reads the familiar blue text, before the big yellow logo: "STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS." Instead of the expected scrolling text story, a bombastic narrator speaks over a frenetic action cut scene. In short: Count Dooku isolated the Galactic Senate, so Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi lead a clone army against some robots or something.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Fracture

Developer: Day 1 Studios
Publisher: LucasArts
Release Date: Oct. 7, 2008
System: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PS3
ESRB Rating: T

In a nutshell: All it's cracked up to be.

0:00 I'm not the world's biggest FPS fan, but I am looking forward to playing around with the Havok system that was shown off so well in Star Wars: The Force Unleashed.

0:01 The game's logo sits on a lightly lit piece of asphalt, which explodes with a magma-infused fissure between the syllables. On to the menu screen, where a creepy marine with body armor and a big-ass gun stands in front of scenes from the game with somber music in the background. Seems cluttered...

0:03 The difficulties are Casual, Standard and Hardcore. I like the description for Casual: "The Pacificans cower and grovel as you smash your way to victory." That sounds like fun, but I choose Standard to avoid charges that I'm a wimp.

0:04 The loading screen teaches me a bit about ground deformation. For instance, did you know people go slower when going up hills? I know! Revolutionary!

0:05 "How did it come to this? By the 22nd century, global climate change was irreversible." It took that long? Anyway, the Midwest became a water-filled wasteland and the country is now divided by a 200-mile-wide Mississippi. Each side of the country saw a different way of human evolution. The East passed the Defense of Humanity act, making substantial genetic modification a federal crime. The West seceded in response, with a new capital of San Francisco and a new leader named Sheridan, who says, "You can't stand in the way of progress." The president says Sheridan is a "dangerous threat." I'm impressed with the concept, as well as the writing and presentation, so far.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed

Developer: LucasArts
Publisher: LucasArts
Release Date: Sept. 16, 2008
Systems: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PS3, Wii, PS2, a bunch of handhelds no one cares about
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: See what happens when Jedis stop being polite and start being freakin' bad-ass.

0:00 I've been looking forward to this one ever since I saw a demo of the physics/materials engine back at GDC '07. Let's see if the gameplay stands up to the impressive base.

0:01 The LucasArts logo just threw a lightsaber like a boomerang, cutting a hole in the black background. I can't decide if this was cheesy or inspired.

0:02 We jump directly to the title screen with standard Star Wars-style orchestra music and a silhouette standing in front of the "O" in "Force." After a while, a video demo begins. "THE SAGA CONTINUES" blares the title card as we pan over some impressively diverse alien environments. Man, this guy sure likes killing things with his lightsaber. "CHANGE THE FATE OF THE GALAXY." A few scenes feature what looks like Imperial Senate debates -- not as exciting. "MAY THE FORCE BLOW YOUR MIND." Is that supposed to be a pun on "May the force be with you"? Because if so, it's awful. The video ends with Mr. Lightsaber-man (didn't catch his name yet) standing next to Darth Vader. Ominous!

0:04 On to the Force Grip tutorial, which is something every young Jedi has to go through, I'm sure. "Welcome aboard the Rogue Shadow, master," says an off-screen robot. He goes on to tell me a bit about the training room. "All modules are designed to kill you... just like me." Wait, what? The narrator is designed to kill me?

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

The Dig

Developer: LucasArts
Publisher: LucasArts
Release Date: November 1995
Systems: PC, Mac
ESRB Rating: K-A

In a nutshell: In space, everyone can hear you talk a lot.

0:00 Don't know much about this game, but the LucasArts and "Steven Spielberg" names on the CD case convinced me to throw down the $1.20 asking price at the thrift shop.

0:01 The camera pans over a stormy night with soaring clouds above "The Borneo Deep Space Observatory." String-heavy music in the background. "Of course I miss you, darling," says a radar operator. "This is the loneliest place on Earth. Most exciting thing that happens here is a day when it don't rain." Suddenly, a new object appears on the radar! "What the heck is that?" Earth collision possible... odds of impact are 1 in 1!" according to the screen. "THE DIG" appears in big letters against a black background.

0:03 "The asteroid has been named Atilla after the leader of the huns," says a TV commentator over video of a rocket launch countdown. The rocket launches, and we cut to a press conference. "If the shuttle is the last hope of the human race, then it will have to do the job, won't it?" says Commander Lowe. The voice acting has a cheesy but sincere quality to it. The low-res animation does the job, but the mouths don't even come close to matching the speech.

0:04 Reporter Maggie Robbins is in charge of laying the nuclear charges that will destroy the asteroid. Also, a candidate for Congress is part of the mission. This is starting to seem a little contrived. "We wanted the best and brightest for this mission," the square-jawed Lowe explains. "My job is to keep everybody alive. I don't have to be brilliant, I just have to be careful."

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

LEGO Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures

Developer: Traveller's Tales
Publisher: LucasArts
Release Date: June 3, 2008
Systems: Nintendo DS (reviewed), every other system ever made.
ESRB Rating: E10+
Official Web site

In a nutshell: So LEGO whip it. LEGO whip it good.

0:00 I played the Wii version for a few hours at an absolutely wild July 4th party, so I think I know what to expect from this DS version.

0:01 "Indiana, f***ing Jones... Indianaaaaaa, mother-f***ing Jones!" Come on everyone, sing along with the title screen.

0:02 So I'm in control of Lego Indy in a three-piece suit, running around what looks like a university and being trailed by another suited guy with an umbrella. The only open door is "Raiders of the Lost Ark." At my college, the rooms had names like "101."

0:04 Seems I can also wander outside, whipping benches and such for little bits of LEGO gold and silver. Even the LEGO shrubs shatter to reveal coinage. One annoyance already: I can't seem to whip in midair.

0:05 With a tap and hold of the A button, the rubble from some destroyed lion statues can be rebuilt into... another statue! I get money for both the destruction and the rebuilding. What a racket!

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Escape from Monkey Island

Developer: LucasArts
Publisher: LucasArts
Release Date: Jan. 20, 2001
Systems: PlayStation 2 (reviewed), Windows, MacOS
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web Site

Today's Game for Lunch comes from guestblogger Matt Matthews of Curmudgeon Gamer.

In a nutshell: Rube Goldberg puzzle situations with pithy dialogue. And monkeys.

0:01 Classic Monkey Island music plays over an uninteresting credits sequence.

0:02 Already with the monkey jokes: "That's the second biggest monkey head I've ever seen."

0:04 The game finally gives me an opportunity to do something and...I'm tied to a post. While my wife fights a pirate.

0:05 Apparently I use the shoulder buttons to go up and down in menus. Not liking that one bit.
0:07 How do I skip lines of dialogue? Ah...L1. Of course.

0:08 Ok, got it. I kick over some coals, juggle one with my feet, and kick it at a loaded cannon. And the battle is won!

0:09 Act 1 begins.

0:12 More dialogue. None of it funny. Make it stop.

0:15 Finally the cut scene ends and I can start doing something again. After all that jibber-jabber, I only laughed at one joke (the one about getting declared undead).

0:16 Ok, I have my orders from my wife: stop the catapult operator trying to destroy our house and then head for Lucre Island to meet with the family lawyers.

0:20 I've determined the pieces of this puzzle are probably the funny-looking cactus and getting some snacks for the catapult operator. Nothing else here, so I head into town.

0:23 Spent two minutes talking to two familiar-looking pirates who claim not to know me. All of the dialogue is awful.

0:26 I left town accidentally and ended up going to a house owned by Meathook. He's got a nice bridge, but nothing else interesting. Yawn.

0:31 Found myself down by the harbor. No grog from the grog machine. Nothing from the harbor mistress. No way to play with the pink ship with the hot chick on the front. Ah, but I did find an innertube. A busted innertube. We'll call it progress nonetheless.

0:34 Found the SCUMM Bar. Dart players, bartender, owner, and a drunk with a balloon and a bowl of pretzels.

0:35 Wait a minute! Pretzels! Got it. Get them to the catapult operator. Regrettably, the drunk isn't giving them up.

0:45 Finally figured it out. Dart players can be goaded into hitting the balloon. Popped balloon causes drunk to pass out. Pretzels acquired.

0:47 Back at the mansion. Boy does it take ages to get around in this world.

0:49 Ok, the funny looking cactus looks like a wishbone, so I can use the innertube there to make a slingshot.

0:50 Got the catapult owner to leave for a few seconds with the pretzels, but that didn't get me anything.

0:51 Ah, fiddle with catapult controls, and then he'll aim for the cactus when he returns. Done.

0:54 Boulder hits slingshot cactus, comes back and smacks catapult. Catapult falls off cliff. Catapult explodes like a Hollywood stunt catapult. I actually laughed out loud.

0:57 Threepwood says he'll still love his wife after rigor mortis sets in. That's an image I really didn't need.

0:58 Charles L. Charles shows up. Who could that be?

1:03 Good heavens, the dialogue goes on forever. I wish they'd shut up and let me do something. Apparently my next job is to go see the family lawyers.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? No.
Why? Too much talk with too few funny lines. Instead of interacting with the game, I mostly hit the X button to listen to jibber-jabber. Monkey Gear Solid? Anyway, give me something interesting to do, for crying out loud.

This review based on a cheap used copy I've had for years and hadn't cracked open.