Fret Nice

Developer: Pieces Interactive

Publisher: Tecmo

Release Date: Feb. 17, 2010

System: Xbox 360

ESRB Rating: E

Official Web site

In a nutshell: For want of a jump button, the rhythm platformer was lost.

0:00 If there are two genres I love above all others, they are rhythm games and platform games. Since Fret Nice supposedly melds these two genres, my expectations are quite high.

0:01 Catchy, robo-techno music plays as a misshapen hand cranks up an amp. "The vibrant Chordmasters rock the world" say the newspaper headline. But a guy with a mustache and a black hat doesn't seem to like their music. He sends bulbous black monsters (that look stolen straight from Loco Roco) from the Heavy Metal Kingdom to cause havoc in town. Cool-looking teens cower in fear, but then two little kids -- who I assume are The Chordmasters -- come blasting in from the sky. They pose in a streetlight and push away the darkness. I already love the music, even though I can't make out a single roboticized lyric. It's like a mix of Freezepop and the best of Japanese pop.

0:03 You can play this game with an Xbox 360 controller? Really? That seems to kind of miss the point...

0:04 On the options screen, I'm told guitar tilt sensitivity is "not supported by your current guitar model." Who knew?

0:05 Normal is "The way the game is supposed to be experienced." Hard is locked anyway. I skip the intro once I realize its the same one that played when I loaded up the game.

***-->CONTINUE READING AT<--***

***-->JOYSTICK DIVISION<--***

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Spray

Developer: Eko System
Publisher: Tecmo
Release Date: Dec. 2, 2008
System: Wii
ESRB Rating: E10+
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Yes, the title refers to spraying vomit.
0:00 I must have been in a drunken fugue state when I added this game to my GameFly queue, because I don't remember requesting it even a little bit. It must have interested me at some point, though.

0:01 After some copious loading, a yellow title appears in front of a medieval town with windmills. Is there some regulation that all medieval towns must have windmills?

0:02 "Today is the first day of Summer in the land of Ecoia." They worship the Crystal Sun and its "benevolent energy." Everyone's gathered in the town square, waiting for the king in a cute hand-drawn cut scene. Then some clouds gather and a huge, black figure appears in the sky. "You insignificant scum ... you shall be my slaves, I shall reign over your world, hahahaha." A big rock shoots down to the ground, knocking over the King. "Father! Father!" cries what I assume is the Prince. The King gives young Ray his crown and urges him to find the crystal shards. Then the King disappears in a puff of light. When the crown alights on Ray's head, angel and devil sprites appear over his shoulders. They're gonna accompany me, apparently.

0:04 Cut to the 3-D graphics now ... the kingdom is infested with black goo, and flying black demons are swooping down to take citizens. One picks me up, but the devil on my shoulder scares him off with a roar. That a boy, devil!

0:06 "Ray! Join me, I'm waiting in the underground passage. Hurry!" cries the King. Wait, isn't he dead? And how can I hear him if he's in an underground passage?

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Rygar: The Battle for Argus

Developer: Tecmo
Publisher: Tecmo
Release Date: Feb. 3, 2009
System: Wii (reviewed), PS2
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Warning: Diskarmor may rust with age.

0:00 I've actually played through the PS2 Rygar that Rygar: The Battle of Argus is heavily based on, but I remember very little of it besides a vague feeling of enjoyment. Let's see how the game has held up over the years, shall we?

0:01 The horn flourish on the preview screen is just so ridiculously short and peppy, I can't help but grin.

0:02 In contrast to the preview, the loading and title screens proceed with nary a sound. Everything looks kind of grainy, even for a Wii game ... have I been spoiled by HD so quickly?

0:03 Ah ... turning down the anti-aliasing in the options menu helps the graphics ... now it doesn't look like an N64 game. Anyway, the gameplay options are "Conquest Mode "and "Gladiator Mode." I'm honestly not sure which one is the "story," so I go with the first one, Conquest.

0:04 "Several years have passed since Rome destroyed the Egyptian dynasty." Argus, on the Mediterranean Sea, is part of that dynasty. Rygar has "nothing left but the will to fight ... I have no family, and all my memories have been consumed by fighting." Cut to Princess Harmonia: "Rygar, I praise you as a man of merit. Your brave composure brings me peace of mind." Women say that to me all the time in real life! Anyway, Rygar and the princess both realize they had the same portentous dream, but before they can discuss it over tea, a huge green minotaur comes into the coliseum. "We are Titans. True rulers of the Earth!" says a lady accompanying the minotaur. A winged devil-type picks up the princess, and Rygar is knocked into a huge fissure in the ground. Wow, this story is incoherent and bad so far.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Tecmo Bowl: Kickoff

Developer: Polygon Magic
Publisher: Tecmo (duh!)
Release Date: Nov. 17, 2008
System: Nintendo DS
ESRB Rating: E
Official Web site

In a nutshell: It's easy and fun to beat those Supercocks!

0:00 I never played the original Tecmo Bowl, but I know it has a borderline obsessive fan base. I generally like old-school sports games more than modern, hyper-real simulations, so this one should be right in my wheelhouse.

0:01 The title screen logo appears with what sounds more like fighting game music than football game music. It's all very tinny and old-school. "Tecmo Bowl: Kickoff," says an even tinnier announcer when I press A. Also, why's the game called Kickoff? The series kicked off decades ago. I don't think that word means what they think it means...

0:02 I get to choose from a bunch of fake teams, including the Carolina Carnage, the Chicago Chinooks and ... the Los Angeles Supercocks? Really? Supercocks? I go with the Houston Heatwaves, because they're the only team that has a halfway decent name.

0:04 In the team editor I can edit my team's name and colors. So I can rename them to the Houston Texans, but they can't just call them the Texans out of the box? Thanks a lot, EA.

0:08 So apparently I can edit stats like max speed, hit power, pass accuracy, rush avoidance ability, etc. for all my players. That's not that surprising. What is surprising is, they all start off intentionally gimped, with plenty of stat points to distribute as I see fit. Good thing I looked at this player editor screen, or all my players would be underpowered scrubs!

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Ninja Gaiden: Dragon Sword

Developer: Team Ninja
Publisher: Tecmo
Release Date: March 25, 2008
System: Nintendo DS
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Reach out and slash someone.

0:00 I got interested in this game when I first saw a video of the touch-controlled action gameplay. It's what I always envisioned when I first saw the DS.

0:01 "In ancient times, humans lived in peace with Dragons. But then came the Dark Dragon, a malevolent giant that wasted no time plunging the Earth into the abyss of darkness." So the other dragons collected all their power into a fang that was used to make the Dragon Sword, which was gifted to a human who used it to defeat the Dark Dragon. In the millennia since, the dragons have died out, but their spirit remains in the Sword. Old-style art and battle sound effects in background help tell this text-based story.

0:02 Difficulty choices are "Master Kunoichi," "Master Ninja," "Head Ninja" and "Normal." Normal is recommended for first-timers, so I guess I'll choose that.

0:03 An old man with a cane stands by a grave. "I'm sorry I took so long to finally come and visit." He's Muramasa, visiting Kureha. "You and Ryu were inseparable." Ryu! Finally a name I recognize!

0:05 Cut to the foot of a waterfall, where our protagonist, Ryu, is training with Momiji, a white-clad ninja girl. Suddenly I'm in control of Momiji, for some reason. I tap the screen to make her run around, blocking Ryu's attacks automatically as they come. I try to slash the sword with a quick slash of the stylus (as I've seen in trailers) but I can't get a sword in edgewise. HA! Suddenly the training is over and we bow to each other. If that was the tutorial, I'm not impressed.

0:06 Chapter 1, "Forest of Shadows." Momiji tells Ryu to head back to the village, which he does. Momiji picks flowers and the sky turns red. "I sense something... something inhuman!"

0:07 Here's the real tutorial, telling me how to run and attack using the stylus. Many of my attack motions accidentally make Momiji jump, but otherwise the system works pretty well. Fast and responsive.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Ninja Gaiden II

Developer: Team Ninja
Publisher: Microsoft
Release Date: June 3, 2008
System: Xbox 360
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Actually the fifth or sixth Ninja Gaiden game, believe it or not.

0:00 My exposure to this series is limited pretty much exclusively to the Ninja Gaiden Sigma demo I played for lunch almost exactly a year ago.

0:01 A shot of a rumbling sea before the camera shoots up through the clouds. The Team Ninja logo sits at the top of a mountain. Awesome!

0:02 Straight to the title screen, with a field with swords punched into the ground. That's it? Where's my long-winded opening cinematic?

0:03 My difficulty choices are "Path of the Acolyte" and "Path of the Warrior." I'm a definitely an acolyte, especially considering how hard Team Ninja makes its games.

0:04 Chapter 1: Sky City Tokyo. The loading screen displays text of a story about Sonia searching for Ryu in a sword shop. The Black Spider Ninja Clan is taking over the city. That would be a good name for a rock band.

0:05 Cherry blossoms over a small creek. Japanese temples mixed in with skyscrapers. An MGS-style jet copter thing makes the controller rumble as it buzzes by the camera. "So, let me get this straight, you don't have a clue where I can find Ryu Hayabusa?" asks the sexy Sonia. The swordmaker she's talking to says Ryu "could be half way around the world" for all he knows. Her business concerns the Archfiend, and that's all she'll say. She has a silky smooth voice, body and outfit, but her eyes look dead.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Unison: Rebels of Rhythm and Dance

Developer: Tecmo
Publisher: Tecmo
Release Date: March 22, 2001
System: PS2
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Part Space Channel 5, part Bust a Groove, all wacky Japanese rhythm craziness.

0:01 OK, we're building a female dance trio. Blonde, check. Red-head, check. Blueish-green-haired girl... uh... check?
0:02 For a PS2 game, this intro. music sounds like it could come from the SNES. Not that that's a bad thing.
0:03 "High-tech celebrity city twin ships" is the setting, apparently. Two hundred years in the future. Dancing has been outlawed. "Stay tuned for the rest of the story." Do I have to?
0:04 This is some of the worst voice acting I've ever heard. The story itself is stilted and cliche but endearing in a Japanese way.
0:05 "According to my research, young people used to dance to this music." They have Wikipedia 200 years in the future?
0:06 The game throws you into practice mode without telling you what to do. Luckily the interface makes it pretty obvious.
0:10 Unlike every other rhythm game ever made, there's no indication of what move is coming next. This means you have to practically memorize every step in the minute-and-a-half long song. ARGH!
0:14 After practicing a few times I've got "Y.M.C.A." down enough to score a B in practice. Time for the broadcast.
0:16 The cut scenes make my brain hurt. What am I auditioning for? Why do all the bad guys saying "like" and "y'know" constantly?
0:19 I get another B. More cut scenes? Is this a game or a campy movie? Or both?
0:21 "This month we caught 20 people dancing up a storm." "Dancing leads to unhappiness" Definitely some quotable moments.
0:25 The second song is a good deal more complex then the first. I'll have to practice section by section.
0:32 Whoever thought it was a good idea to practically force players to practice for ten minutes and watch five minutes of cut scenes for each minute of actual gameplay was nuts.
0:35 The dancer animations are very fluid, and match with the input well. I wish I could just watch them instead of paying attention to the actual game.
0:40 More cut scene craziness. Why does the guy with the Afro keep stressing that if I fail "it's game over"?
0:42 The endless practice pays off. I get an A in the main performance. 94%!
0:43 The cheesy voice acting is growing on me ... it matches the cheesy story. Also: The main bad guy seems to have a duck fetish.
0:45 I get the feeling this game was trying to be Space Channel 5 but didn't have the style to pull it off.
0:46 The canned laughter and applause in the cut scenes is just precious.
0:48 Despite the completely Japanese feel to everything in the game, the music is good American party standards. I love the We are Family remix for song three.
0:54 You know what would make this game much better? The ability to freestyle.
0:59 After ten more minutes of practice I'm ready for more ... cut scenes.
1:00 A crushing scene of parental indoctrination. "Only bad girls talk like that," a father scolds Unison-loving girl. If she's talking about the game, I'd have to agree.
1:02 Only 70% this time. The steps are getting more and more intricate.
1:03 "If you dance you'll grow up to be nothing." Was the designer of this game a failed Broadway star or something?

Would I play this game for more than an hour? Maybe
Why? I have a perverse need to see the rest of the cut scenes, but I'd much rather play Space Channel 5 than sit through more memorization.

This review is based on a purchased, used copy of the game.

Ninja Gaiden Sigma

Developer: Team Ninja
Publisher: Tecmo
Release Date: July 3, 2007
System: PS3
Official Web page

In a nutshell: "My friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window" the game.

0:01 "In the mountains of autumn, there is one who walks the path of the Ninja." Concise, to the point, and utterly unnecessary.
0:02 Holy crap! Just running around and hitting the jump button unleashes an amazing acrobatic fury. The animation is amazing.
0:04 Do we really need the bad voice acting for the instruction scroll? Also, what the hell is an "elixir of spiritual life" supposed to be? Will I find an elixir of secular life later?
0:06 The excessive splattering blood seems unnecessary in a game that's so focused on stylized violence rather than realism. I guess GTA has raised the bar for everyone.
0:08 While jamming on the square button to battle a group of foes, I accidentally open a nearby chest. The animation is so incongruous I bust out laughing.
0:10 The camera could use a little work in the close quarters. Still, what it shows is beautiful and fluid.
0:11 Why is there a short loading pause every time I collect an item. Annoying!
0:12 I just did some sort of spinning death move and I have NO IDEA HOW.
0:15 I love the ability to use items by tapping the d-pad. The interface is intuitive and quick.
0:16 A camera should never lose view of your character, but this one does it regularly.
0:19 Falling into the same Underground storehouse three times = not fun. How many of these Ninjas are there.
0:20 Charging up your charge attack gets you an "Ultimate Technique." My nutshell description wasn't so far off, I guess.
0:23 I have trouble envisioning the situation where enemies leave you alone for the five seconds needs to charge to Ultimate Technique.
0:25 Five trips to the underground storehouse now, still looking for the key I need to advance. This is no longer remotely funny.
0:27 Six.
0:31 Seven. Where the hell's that key?
0:33 I finally get the bright idea to go back to the odd looking samurai statue I saw before. I know, I'm a genius. Still, what's the point of this "puzzle"? Couldn't they have just given me a key and not forced me to backtrack/get stuck? Where's the fun in this?
0:35 "I see you have made it this far." Gripping dialogue from the boss
0:36 I just lit myself on fire. Whoa.
0:37 I die to the boss, and choosing "continue" sends me back to the beginning of the level. Um, why is it called "continue" then?
0:40 I take back my statement about the charge attack. If you stun the enemies first it's very effective, and fun!
0:44 More slashing and killing things, but faster than before.
0:47 I suppose I shouldn't be able to run past the more difficult white ninjas without a scratch, but that's what I do on the way to the boss room. If they lock me up I'll fight. If not, why bother?
0:50 Nothing ruins a good boss battle more than a cut scene where you stop to talk with the guy. Come on, we want violence!
0:53 The voice acting is pretty convincing here. I can sense that this boss guy is hiding something.
0:54 The game ranks me as a Lesser Ninja. It's more than I deserve.
0:56 Time to try a special mission as Rachel
0:57 Rachel's nice to look at, but she's no ninja. She moves like an ox compared to Ryu.
0:59 I'm getting the hang of Rachel now, but I still think she's an ox
.
Would I play this game for more than an hour: Probably.
Why? The balletic action is smooth and enjoyable, but the camera threatens to ruin everything.

This review is based on an early, downloadable demo from the Playstation Network.