Sid Meier's Pirates! (Wii)

Developer: Firaxis

Publisher: 2K Games
Release Date: Oct. 5, 2010
System: Wii (reviewed), PC
ESRB Rating: E-10+
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Ay diddle dee dee, a pirate’s life for Wii.

0:00 I put a decent amount of time into the updated PC version of this one already, so my main interest today is how this classic title transfers over to the Wii’s control scheme.

0:01 Nice short trumpet fanfare on the preview screen. Also, the game is saving already? I haven’t done anything yet...

0:03 “It began with a celebration. Indebted for many years to Marquis Montelban a families honor would soon be restored.” But the Marquis and his men come in to seize their property and sell them in to bondage. The boy runs off, refusing to be a slave. Ten years later, he continues his quest for revenge. The familiar opening looks a little grainy and rough on my HDTV.

0:05 I like the default name Incognito so much I decide to keep it. I choose the middle difficulty, Adventurer, because it features more dangerous sea battles and more treacherous villains. I decide to choose gunnery as my skill, since I always had problems aiming in the sea battles of the PC version. Let’s start in the default year of 1660.

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Sid Meier's Civilization IV

Developer: Firaxis Games

Publisher: 2K Games

Release Date: Oct. 25, 2005

System: PC

ESRB Rating: E10+

Official Web site

In a nutshell: It feels nice to finally join the Civilized world.

0:00 When people find out that I have never played a proper Civilization game (which does not include Civilization Revolution), they often say something along the lines of, "What's wrong with you? Don't you write about games for a living?" To which I reply, "Ummmmmmmm." Well that ends TODAY with a $5 Steam purchase and a two-hour long download/install. I just hope I don't get addicted.

0:01 A shot of stars. The camera zooms past the moon and over the Earth. Lights start appearing in the fertile crescent as a choir comes in. Zoom down to the coast and we see Roman-style soldiers racing to battle atop a castle wall. Down on the coast catapults shoot fire at ships with red and white striped sails. An eagle calls as the camera zooms up the steps of a coliseum. Soldiers cheer as an emperor steps out, kneels, and has a crown placed on his head by grey-bearded fellow. He raises his arms to more applause and the camera pans up to the sky as the title comes up. Pretty epic.

0:04 My laptop is below the recommended specs, but the game says it has automatically lowered my graphics settings to accommodate. Well isn't that handy.

0:06 Loading the tutorial necessitates restarting the game, I guess because they assume most players won't need it at this point (they've probably played one of the earlier games, after all)? My default Civ is Julius Caesar, leader of the Roman Empire. I'm not feeling creative enough to come up with anything else. A Normal speed and the lowest "Settler" difficulty are forced on me. That's good... I'm probably not ready to go for the top "Deity" difficulty just yet.

0:07 "Hi, my name is Sid. Welcome to Civilization IV!" Meier looks even scarier as a 3D model than in real life. "The objective is simple... create and maintain an empire that will stand the test of time." What if I want a Civilization that descends to anarchy, huh? Who are YOU to set goals for ME?

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Borderlands

Developer: Gearbox Software
Publisher: 2K Games
Systems: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PS3, PC
Release Date: Oct. 20, 2009
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Go shoot this! Go fix that! Go shoot this other thing!

0:00 I remember thinking this looked like a Fallout 3 clone, when I saw an E3 2008 demo. Not that that's a bad thing... but still.

0:01 A broken robot that looks like an orange cone whirs pathetically on a cracked cement road. In the background, windmills. In the foreground, what looks like an emergency roadside phone.

0:02 As I pick up the controller and go to the main menu, the robot gets up and skitters around on it's single wheel. SO CUTE!

0:03 During the loading screen, the game tells me "when your shield is depleted, take cover and it will recharge." Wow ... only three minutes for me to hit a major pet peeve.

0:04 Cut to the inside of a bus with four archetypes standing around and the desert rolling by outside. "Next stop, Firestone Depot," says an unseen bus driver. "Time to gather up your stuff. Who's getting off the bus?" I can choose from Soldier, Hunter, Siren and Berserker. The bus driver says a piece on each of them. To the Siren: "And you, pretty lady? What can you do? Perhaps bake us a delicious cake." I'm amazed the bad-ass-looking Siren doesn't slap him. Anyway, the driver advises us that we can't just kill anything. "Don't be afraid to spend what it takes to get the equipment you need." I'll remember that. Once the driver's spiel is done, the excellent song "Ain't No Rest for the Wicked" comes on the in-game radio. NICE!

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Sid Meier's Pirates

Developer: Firaxis
Publisher: 2K Games
Systems: PC (reviewed), Mac, Xbox, PSP
Release Date: Nov. 22, 2004
ESRB Rating: E
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Yar ... there be a simple strategy simulation off the port bow. Fire!

0:00 I've heard very good things about this game for years, and have a friend who's been trying to get me to play it for nearly as long (hi, Mike). That said, I probably wouldn't be touching it if it weren't freely available on my GameTap account.

0:01 A pirate opens a chest and finds the Firaxis logo. The 2K logo just fades in as normal. Bleh. The title appears over a cloud-covered map of the sea. The cursor becomes a ship's steering wheel during some long-ish loading.

0:03 The best thing about playing old games on my crappy computer: For once I can turn the video settings ALL THE WAY UP. *flex*

0:04 "It began with a celebration. Indebted for years to the Marquis de Motalban, a family's prosperity was soon to be restored -- carrying both their hopes and their salvation." Scenes of a 3-D family laughing and drinking at a dinner party. Then the Marquis comes with bad news: The fleet has been lost and the debt's come due. The family's property is seized by redcoats. The kid of the family tries to fight back, then runs off. "While his family was enslaved, the boy swore revenge." Ten years later, we pan over the docks, and see the now-grown boy begin his quest. I'm not sure how I feel about the silent, all-text and animation story presentation.

0:06 "Seeking passage to the new world, you inquire at a public house." A guy hands my character, a clean-cut muscular boy, a "crew sign-ups" parchment. The default name is "Incognito," which tickles me so much that I decide to use it.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Civilization Revolution

Developer: Firaxis
Publisher: 2K Games
Release Date: July 8, 2008
Systems: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PS3, Nintendo DS
ESRB Rating: E10+
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Conquer the World, simply.

0:00 Believe it or not, I have never played a single Civilization game. I've heard this one is a bit simpler and tuned for a console gamer's sensibilities, though, so away we go.

0:01 The little disc tray icon on the Xbox Dashboard abbreviates the name as "Civilization Revolut'n," which I find completely hilarious for some reason. Probably lack of sleep.

0:02 A primitive person in a loincloth draws the 2K/Firaxis logos in ash on a cave wall. He draws a woman; then he becomes Caesar, pumping his fists to a crowd of cheering Romans. The ancient man continues to draw as the camera cuts to a knight in a hall and horsemen riding through fire. A man with a gold ring gestures towards the sea, over a map with dragons. In the distance, a green land. A scientist discusses a new spaceship, while a general clences a fist. A politician makes a decision and the shuttle lifts off to a massive space station. Back in pre-history, the caveman walks out to a fireside gathering outside his mountain cave. The music swells. Pretty touching, for a game intro...

0:05 I could probably spend the whole hour reading the Civopedia, which describes types of governments, land, military units, resources, rewards, leaders, etc. I hope I'll learn as I go.

0:07 I jump in to play now and can choose from a variety of leaders throughout the world and history -- Caesar, Cleopatra, Ghandi, Alexander the Great, Bismarck, Mao, etc. I choose Random and leave my fate up to, uh, fate. I get Caesar. "Great people such as Plato will increase your culture," says the loading screen. Well, duh!

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

The Darkness

Developer: Starbreeze Studios
Publisher: 2K Games
Release Date: June 25, 2007
Systems: PS3 (reviewed), Xbox 360
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web Site

In a nutshell: The opposite of The Lightness.

0:01 The intro. movie is a series of quick jump cuts. Guys on cross. A skinned bull. An angel on a cross. A soldier shooting a helpless prisoner. "Past. Present. Future" "I think I'm in hell." "This is the heart of the Darkness" "Mutilate."Destroy." "Avenge." "Watch the skies." "Come, embrace the Darkness." It's supposed to be creepy, but it comes off as Goth campy.

0:02 "I remember the night of my 21st birthday. That was the first time I died.." Intriguing.

0:03 Someone wakes me up. I'm in the back of a convertible. The mobsters in front are weaving through traffic and cursing up a storm. I'm with them, and it's my birthday, apparently. We don't have the money that the boss wants, and they're worried he's not gonna be happy. The writing is very natural, although peppered with too many curse words for my taste. I'm not a prude, but when every other word is "fuck" it gets on my nerves.

0:05 We're being chased. He tries to shake 'em. This guy is driving like a maniac. "Tell 'em they'll never take us alive. They hate that." Heh.

0:06 So I'm given a gun and have to help "shake these pigs." but I can't shoot it. I'm just holding it in my hands. Nino, the passenger in front, goes down with a giant "fuck meeeeeee." And I take his place, kicking him to the asphalt in the process.

0:07 So Now I can fire but I can't turn around all the way to fire at the cops tailing us. This is getting annoying. I can take out a guy crawling on our windshield like a sitting duck, though.

0:08 I take out a few more guys standing in our path, but it doesn't seem to matter much ... they couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. It's ok, though, we reach a dead end and flip over. I guess this was the first time I dead.

0:10 The demo jumps to chapter 3, "The Graveyard." "Me and Paulie never did agree about the way things was bein' done," my character says in his best Brooklyn Italian accent. Apparently Paulie, the driver from before, betrayed me, tried to kill me, and now his men are after me. At the cut scene ends I've got two guns in my hands and guys firing at me from above. "Darkness will fall." says a creepy-ass voice after I dispatch the gunmen

0:11 The shootout in the cemetery begins. I like the animation on the enemies when they fall. Looks like their actually being hit by a hail of gunfire. Reminiscent of Goldeneye

0:12 Ouch. When I get close to a guy I raise my gun and shoot straight down into his head. What a way to go.

0:13 The screen goes red at the edges when I'm low on health and I go down. "Your life is mine" says the creepy ass voice. Or is it... I'm back at the entrance to the graveyard again.

0:15 Another super-gruesome kill ... this time I stick the gun barrel down an enemy's mouth. Ew.

0:16 "I am the master of death." Well then you're the master of me because I keep dying. I just noticed the graffiti on the hallway wall. "I'm the fucked one. They fucked me. I FUCKING graduated from high school." Way to use those vocabulary lessons.

0:17 I kick a guy in the balls from behind then take him out with a gunshot. That first part seems gratuitous.

0:18 The strategy so far seems to be knocking guys down with bullets, running up to them as they hobble up, then doing a close-up gruesome kill.

0:19 I made it through the graveyard and into a far hallway. Homeless Frank Rottenberg lives at the end, in the bathroom. "Smells like Satan's bunghole, but it beats freezing to death. "Ain't it the truth.

0:20 I take out Rottenberg after he gives me next to no information. Nice that the NPCs react realistically to a bullet in the head.

0:21 "Through you I will display my power. Through you I am born." Holy crap. I've grown tentacles with gnashing teeth and I'm automatically taking out everyone. Looks like fun... too bad I can't control it. "You are nothing but my puppet." Yeah, that's what I'm complaining about.

0:23 Oh, OK, now I can summon the tentacle powers at will with the R1 button. I still have my guns out even though these tentacles look like they can handle anything that comes my way. The "devour heart" option appears over my fallen foes. I can spawn a berserker, a devil-dog thing with a flannel shirt.

0:26 My berserker companion opens the graveyard gate and I'm on the street again. The little guy also helps me take out the shooters that are standing there for some reason.

0:30 The first "puzzle." I have to turn into a slithering snake and get through and air duct to take a key from a taunting guard. The puzzle is easy to figure out, but the awkward slithering controls make it unnecessarily frustrating.

0:31 Chapter 3 done, we warp to Chapter 7. I've gone to mess up Paulie's operation on Grinder's Lane. "The place always makes me want to kick a fucking dog - or something." And this is the guy you're supposed to empathize with - or something.

0:34 Some guys talking about how I escaped from the cemetery. They can't figure out who was helping me take out all those guys. They can't fathom it was me and my demon powers. Nice touch.

0:36 Did I mention that every other fucking word in this fucking game is a fucking curse word?

0:39 I sneak in as a slithering thing and kill the two chatting mobsters. Then I destroy a generator. Now what? I'm looking for switch to open the gate, but it's so dark it's impossible to find anything.

0:41 Oh my god. I can open the gate just by pushing on it. I could have sworn I tried that already. Obviously wasn't trying hard enough.

0:44 I go into an abandoned workshop, pick up some gasoline, and operate some band saws sitting around. Now what?

0:45 Apparently I'm supposed to wander into this meat freezer, which just happens to have a bunch of enemy mobsters waiting for me. Because why wouldn't mobsters hang out in a freezer? I die quickly in the ensuing shootout "We do not die." creepy ass voice tells me. Whoopee.

0:46 I've died five times now in the same shootout. Creepy-ass voice is having a field day: "Our blood flows in you." "You can not live." "Your life is mine."

0:48 Up to seven deaths now.

0:52 I'm beginning to make some headway. The key seems to be taking out a few guys quickly, then devouring their hearts to get the tentacles out. They act as a shield to help take out the other guys. A nice family-friendly game

0:53 I stumble across a TV that's randomly playing a real video of Flash Gordon. I change the channel and a Popeye cartoon come on. Heh. I shoot out the lights so I can see the screen better.

0:59 OK, I've been wandering around the hallways trying to find what to do next for the past five minutes. Time to call it quits.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? Yes.
Why? Despite some pacing and control problems, it's got some decent shooting, snappy writing, and is full of atmosphere. Definitely worth some more time.

This review based on a demo downloaded from the PlayStation Network.

All-Pro Football 2K8

Developer: Visual Concepts
Publisher: 2K Sports
Release Date: July 16, 2007
Systems: PS3, Xbox 360
ESRB Rating: E10+
Official Web Site

In a nutshell: All the football with none of the NFL license.

0:01 Jeez! I hit start on the title screen and rock music blares from the speakers. I lunge for the remote. Learn some volume control, guys.
0:03 So I just want to play some football, but instead the game forces me to pick 11 players. And that includes people like kickers and punters. I can't fill every position on my offense even!
0:04 Oh, it turns out I was only picking the star players. Now I get to pick non-star players based on generalized statistics. Why wasn't this available as an option for the stars, for those of us that don't care?
0:05 There's a good selection of team names and cities, but no option to enter your own? Why? If I can't be the Redskins, let me be whatever I want? I don't care if they say the name in the voiceovers.
0:06 I get five Gamerscore points just for making a team. I guess they appreciate you going through the whole ridiculous process.
0:08 There are pre-made teams for the opposition, but I can't seem to choose them. Grumble.
0:09 The presentation in the actual game a little rough at the edges. Blurry in places, and the faces are disturbingly dead looking. There are some big awkward pauses in the voice acting too whenever they say a player name.
0:11 While the player close ups are creepy, the animation is amazing. Players move smoothly and realistically in full formation.
0:12 "Oh yeah hope they come at us the same way," one of my team members says. I gained one yard on the last play. Personally, I hope they... do something different.
0:14 I can't get anything going on offense. My players seem exceptionally slow.
0:16 Defense, however, is easy as the computer does all the work and gets two sacks and an almost-interception. Hum dee dum.
0:20 I've figured out my problem on offense. Apparently I was trying to avoid tacklers. That was silly. I should just barrel up the middle instead. I've gotten two first downs already.
0:22 On a fake punt, for some reason my quarterback pump fakes instead of passing and gets sacked. The on-screen controls in the options screen don't help me figure out why.
0:24 I finally take part in a defensive play with a diving tackle. The wrap-around animation is great.
0:25 My tackler bounces off the ball carrier. I know it happens sometimes, but still frustrating. It looks like he had him dead to rights.
0:27 The player interaction is amazing. It's easy to follow a play as it develops, much more than in Madden. Runners bounce off tacklers and juke impressively. If only the close ups in between plays weren't so jarring.
0:28 Nice feature: Tapping A before a play speeds up time and gets everyone set faster.
0:30 The commentators say you "have to wonder if he heard some footsteps." Um, three of my guys surrounded him and tackled him as he caught the ball, so I'd say "yes."
0:33 ARGH! The ball bounces off three of my defenders and into an unintended receiver in the end zone. On the one hand this is extremly frustrating to have happen. On the other, it's extremely impressive that this can happen in the game.
0:39 Lofton: "Touchdwon, Touchdown. HA HA HA HA HA!" He sounds like a jackal. Oh, and I'm down 21-0.
0:40 "You can't be indecisive in this league or you won't be around for long." Which league is that again?
0:41 I somehow got into no huddle offense and can't figure out how to get out. I end up spiking the ball somehow, too. These controls are too much for me, apparently.
0:44 The controller rumbles at some very random times, like during a field goal block. It feels like it's gonna fall out of my hands.
0:46 I again slip into no huddle again, somehow. I give up.

Would I play this game for more than an hour 46 minutes? No
Why? Despite impressive presentation and options, complex controls make it hard to get into for me. Plus I'm not a big sports game fan.

This review based on a retail copy rented from GameFly.

BioShock

Developer: 2K Boston
Publisher: 2K Games
Release Date: Aug. 21, 2007
Systems: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PC
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web Site

In a nutshell: Ayn Rand meets underwater FPS.

0:01 The Hard difficulty level is disabled initially. You gotta prove yourself first, I guess. Kind of annoying.
0:02 "They told me, son, you're special. You were born to do great things. You know what, they were right." Screams, then the title, drenched in water. I'm hooked already.
0:03 I'm drowning? A purse floats into view. Then a plane fuselage. I surface to find flaming wreckage. I also find I can move, which is surprising, becauseI could've sworn this amazing reflected fire on the water was pre-rendered.
0:05 I swim towards a big piece of fuselage and it explodes. I seem to be OK, but the spluttering coming from my speakers indicates otherwise.
0:06 I watch what looks like the tail of a plane sinking below the water. Splashing looks a little fake, but that's really nitpicking.
0:07 I finally make it to land. I walk about as fast as I swim, which is to say, rather fast. I enter a castle that reminds me of Myst and the lights go out as the door closes behind me. A crimson banner reads: "No gods or kings. Only man." Ayn Rand, eat your heart out.
0:08 A plaque: "In what country is there a place for people like me?" -Andrew Ryan. Heady stuff. A lonely violin in the background plays in the distance: "Somewhere, beyond the sea..." Creepy.
0:09 The lights come on as I climb down the stairs and enter a bathysphere. A filmstrip plays. "Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow." Andrew Ryan rails on about Washington and the Vatican. "I chose Rapture." The filmstrip falls away to a breathtaking oceanic view. "Rapture can become your city as well." Thanks!
0:11 The atmosphere is so thick I'm almost choking. Neon signs, aquatic sea life, and more drift past my window. The scene is unfortunately broken by a ten-second loading screen.
0:12 I watch helplessly by flickering light as a man gets ripped apart by another with a scythe. "Is it someone new?" The killer lets out a blood-curdling scream. The bathysphere shakes among electrical crackling and scratching. I want my mommy.
0:13 Back in full control, I pick up a radio. Atlas, my new guide, says he "aims to keep me alive." Well isn't that nice. I have to get to higher ground. "Take a deep breath and step out of the bathysphere." Do I have to? I'm still a-scareded.
0:15 Placards strewn about the floor: "Rapture is Dead." "Let it end, let us ascend." "Ryan doesn't own us." Intriguing. A sign on the wall says all bathysphere travel is forbidden. Whoops. Sorry about that.
0:17 The scythe-wiedling maniac gets gunned down by some automatic defenses. Atlas blames it on the "damn splicers" or somthing. I turn on the subtitles so I don't miss a word. "Would ya please find a crowbar or something," Atlas asks. Gladly!
0:19 Only now does the real tutorial begin. I get a wrench and learn how to swing it and crouch. A flaming couch greets me as a I crawl through an opening. Eep!
0:20 My first fight with a screaming "thuggish splicer." He looks like a zombie. It's over quickly. Some little girl is talking about fire creepily in the background. An old advertisement, perhaps? The splicer is still twitching on the ground. Ew.
0:22 I've always wondered why eating potato chips and candy bars gives you more health in video games. In my experience, those things harm your health.
0:24 Practically everything that isn't nailed down reacts to a swing of the wrench. The little things matter!
0:25 Signs describe plasmids as "evolution in a bottle." That's not creepy at all...
0:26 I inject a plasmid and fall to the floor as my "genetic code is being rewrtitten." Some guys in masks walk by and decide I'm not worth the trouble. A guy in an old diving suit clambers by with a little girl. Weird.
0:27 I wake up to find I can shoot lightning from my left hand. Cool!
0:31 I take down my second splicer using the "zap 'em and whack 'em" one-two punch suggested by Atlas. Easy peasy.
0:33 Atlas tells me a sob story. "I know you must feel like the unluckiest man in the world right now, but you're my only hope..." Gotta go to Neptune's bounty to rescue his family. I guess I owe him, but altruism is weak.
0:34 Creepy! A mom with some sort of antennae on her head cries over a stroller. I approach and she lunges at me with a shotgun, screaming "Baby and me! Baby and me!" I'm practically shaking as I take her out. Atlas tells me the plasmids did this. Is this going to happen to me?
0:35 There's a revolver in the basonet. Just when you thought it couldn't get creepier.
0:36 Signs advertise the Rapture Masquerade Ball for the new year 1959.
0:37 I take out a couple of arguing splicers, one of whom has a shotgun.
0:38 Drinking two bottle of merlot in a row makes me tipsy. Whoda thunk it?
0:41 The cigarettes are called "Nico Time." I laughed.
0:43 It's a little annoying you can't seem to save any items for later. On the other hand, it streamlines things quite a bit. No stalling in inventory screens.
0:44 I find an impromptu shrine to Andrew Ryan, who created this underwater hellscape. I smash the picture. It's surprisingly cathartic.
0:47 I gt a new flamethrowing ability. "Light up foes to 1000 degrees. Warning, fire spreads!"
0:48 So far the foes have been pretty easy. They just lunge at me and I shock-and-drop. The game has been very friendly with health and power ups too.
0:50 Atlas tells me about the "little sisters": little girls who have the DNA that helps keep rapture running. He tells me to throw out whatever I thought about right and wrong. Looks like he's setting me up for some little girl slaughtering later on.
0:51 I watch through glass as someone goes after a little sister and is quickly and mercilessly slaughtered by a "big daddy" in a huge shambling diving suit.
0:52 A sign: "Eve's garden, come bite the apple."
0:53 The women seem much tougher to kill than the men. Interesting.
0:54 I set off a security alert without knowing how or why. I take out a security bot with a lightning bolt and then attempt to hack it with a mini-game. It's Pipe Dream! I used to love this game. Now the bot helps me take out his brethren.
0:59 This is getting a little annoying. I keep setting off security alert with no warning and no apparent reason. Meanwhile, "atruism is the root of all wickedness," according to a sign.
1:02 I set off another secuirty alert, this one with a flame thrower. Three splicers come out at me and catch me off guard. My first death,and a good place to stop, I guess.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? Oh hell yes.
Why? Humminah humminah humminah humminah (The excellent atmosphere, story, controls and concept have left me speechless).

This review based on a demo version downloaded from Xbox Live.