Opoona

Developer: ArtePiazza
Publisher: Koei
Release Date: March 25, 2008
System: Wii
ESRB Rating: E10+
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Funny name, pointless game.

0:00 The early coverage of this game has been on the edge of my periphery for a while now, but I don't really know what to expect.

0:01 "Far away in the distant future..." So like the opposite of "Star Wars"? On Tizia, the Cosmo Guard was chosen to destroy an evil force of demon servant rogues. Far from Tizia was a forgotten star that was hit by dark matter force and overrun by rogues. A streak of light came though the land, pushing off the rogues and allowing the people to fight back. The people from that planet, Landroll, spread throughout the universe. This is extreme paraphrasing from introductory text that moves way too quickly. I like the stylish images that accompany it, though.

0:03 A hand-drawn globe with light and dark sides sits behind the title screen, with chipper xylophone music throughout. Instead of "New Game," the option is "Begin Voyage!" But first, I have to plug in a Nunchuk.

0:04 "In a universe far away, in some unknown time, three children were born on Tizia." Opoona was one of them; the others have equally ridiculous names. On a phallic space station, sister Poleena asks if we're at Landroll yet. Brother Copoona stops her from running around and bugging mama. Poleena hits Copoona with the ball things hovering over her head. Dad comes in and stops their tomfoolery.

0:05 Poleena calls me a lazybon for sleeping so late. "Have you forgotten what today is? Well that doesn't surprise me at all, you dummy!" Ouch! We're on a family trip from Tizia to "a far off world." Dad's looking for me and he's in a bad mood. Uh oh.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Dynasty Warriors: GUNDAM

Developer: Koei
Publisher: Namco Bandai
Release Date: Aug. 28, 2007
Systems: PS3 (reviewed), Xbox 360
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web Site

In a nutshell: Two, two, two arcane Japanese series in one.

0:01 The Original Mode, which is the only one available in the demo, says it lets me "play missions centering around a mysterious planet." Ooooh. Sounds mysteeeerious. Selecting my character, Heero Yuy, he says "I'll kill you" in a deep, menacing voice. This is the good guy?
0:02 "A mysterious planet appears from beyond space and time." MySTEEEERious. It's headed towards Earth. "Is it nothing more than a planet, or some kind of mobile weapon? Heroes from across generations unite to uncover the truth." A fanboy's wet dream.
0:04 My summary of the last two minutes of talking:
Guy #1: "How did you beat me?"
Guy #2: "I'm better than you and I don't care about fancy titles like you do."
Guy #1: "Teach me to be as cool as you."
Guy #2: "OK!"
Neither of these guys is my character, by the way.
0:07 The battle prep screen has a nice flow chart of button combos. Seems pretty straightforward.
0:08 "Combat level, target confirmed, commence destruction." My character talks like the robot he pilots.
0:10 The system handles an impressive numbers of on-screen enemies without missing a beat. Of course, most of those enemies just stand there and watch as I tear them to shreds, so it's probably not that hard to render them.
0:12 "Master Asia" says I need a strategy to break through the enemy field. So far my strategy has been hitting square followed by other buttons. It seems to be working very well on the barely mobile enemies.
0:14 My comrade on the enemy defense commander: "He's the best I've ever seen!" He says this as I commence beating the guy to a pulp.
0:16 "They must be mad attacking with so few units," says random enemy woman. I'd agree, except that the hundreds of enemy units seem to do nothing but watch as I tear them through them.
0:18 "What is this feeling? Fear? Me?!" might be the best line ever written in the history of mankind.
0:20 Puru is extremely happy to battle me. He's actually tough, meaning he actually attacks with some ferocity. Meanwhile, the dozens of flacks surrounding us just stand and watch.
0:21 Heero: "Mission complete. All enemies confirmed eliminated." He says this AS HE'S FIGHTING ENEMIES!
0:26 If I understood the ridiculous Gundam backstory, all this talking might make sense. As it is, it just seems overwrought and distracting.
0:27 I finally get taken down by a guy named "Milardo." His winning strategy: Continually attacking! Someone was bound to figure it out eventually!
0:31 Going through the mission again now. It's surprisingly cathartic ripping through scores of enemies with an energy sword. Attacking controls are pretty responsive, but I wish it were easier to move while attacking.
0:35 The camera has a bad habit of not moving unless you actively move it. Of course, if you use the right stick to move it, you can't hit the attack buttons. Tres annoying.
0:38 Proptip: Hitting square square square triangle X square square square unleashes an attack combo that's good enough to take out 99 percent of the enemies in the demo. I am not joking.
0:43 Hmm, apparently holding L1 makes me invincible. That's nice to know. Not nice enough to help me beat Milardo, though. He's merciless. Nice of the difficulty to jump from ridiculously easy to ridiculously hard in one enemy!
0:44 I decide not to restart, as I would just be tearing down more simple enemies and wouldn't be able to get back to Milardo in the hour.

Would I play this game for more than an hour 44 minutes? Probably
Why? I feel like I might get better if I kept at it, and, what's more, it might be kind of fun to do.

This review based on an early demo downloaded from the PlayStation Network.