Showing posts with label PS2. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PS2. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Motorstorm: Arctic Edge

Developer: Virtuos
Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment
Release Date: Oct. 20, 2009
Systems: PS2 (reviewed), PSP
ESRB Rating: T

In a nutshell: Did we really settle for this kind of blocky, easy racing game 15 years ago?

0:00 The summer of "playing games I was sent months ago and have been putting off trying out" continues today with the PS2 version of the PSP sequel to one of my favorite PS3 racers, played on a PS3 emulating a PS2. Confused yet?

0:01 An extravagant CG cut scene shows a secret tanker hidden by icebergs, with cargo helicopters unloading large shipping containers. "at the edge of the arctic circle... a new challenge ... a passion to combat the extreme drives them onwards in this land of raw glacial power. Only the greatest warriors will reach their peak. A mountain awakens, the stage is set." We follow the helicopters to a brightly lit racetrack being built in the middle of the snowy wilderness. "Welcome to Motorstorm." Quick cuts of cars, trucks, ATVs, bikes, dune buggies and snowmobiles racing around in the dirt and snow. Wow, did PS2 games always look this blocky? This reminds me more of the original PlayStation. Trust me, it doesn't lok as good as those bullshots seem to indicate.

0:03 On the name entry screen, the triangle button is used for "delete" instead of the standard square button. BAD START!

0:04 I can choose from seven nameless drivers, differentiated mainly by their differently colored helmets and flannel. I pick a black and white motif that seems to match with the generic thrash music.

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Wednesday, April 7, 2010

XIII

Developer: Southend Interactive
Publisher:
Ubisoft
Release Date:
Nov. 18, 2003
System:
PS2
ESRB Rating:
M
Official Web site


In a nutshell:
In comic books, everyone can hear you scream in frustration.

0:00
I remember hearing good things about this stylish shooter when it first came out, so I couldn't resist picking it up for $2 during an extreme bargain bin binge. Will it hold up so many years after its initial release?

0:01
A bare bones loading screen crawls along, leading up to an utterly silent title screen with a guy in a flak jacket guarding a mocha-colored woman behind him. "Please press the START button to begin" blinks in an annoying gray box.

0:03
Selectable dfficulties are Arcade, Normal and Realistic. Wait, Arcade is supposed to be the easiest? Some of the most difficult games I've ever played were at an arcade. I go with Normal.

0:04
A cel-shaded, open-air covertible goes through a ticker tape parade, while in another frame, someone loads a sniper rifle. Zoom out to show these scenes as part of an animated comic book. Zoom back in, and a shot is fired. A police officer waves me away as chaos reigns. A bald old bald man smiles evilly. Elsewhere, someone makes a calligraphic "XIII" with a fountain pen. A guy in glasses and a red coat studies the sniper rifle. "Yes, I will continue the work that my brother William started," says a politician at a pulpit. "And yes, there will once again be a Sheridan in the white house!" Wow... the Kennedy allegory was so subtle, I almost missed it.

0:05
The guy in red, an FBI man, apparently, argues with a man in military fatigues, voiced by TV's Adam West."No one can stop me from conducting my own investigation, you hear me, Amos?" the military man yells. Cut to the bald man. "Number XIII will soon no longer be a problem." Cut to a war room: "Gentlemen, we're ready to launch operations." I... I think I understood most of that. Maybe.

***-->CONTINUE READING AT<--***
***-->JOYSTICK DIVISION<--***

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Thursday, May 28, 2009

Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner 2: Raidou Kuzunoha vs. King Abaddon

Developer: Atlus
Publisher: Atlus
Release Date: May 12, 2009
System: PS2
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Well this is interes... Damn ... it froze.

0:00 With a name like Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner 2: Raidou Kuzunoha vs. King Abaddon, it has to be good, right?

0:01 A guy in ornamental red armor looks out over clouds. A ninja with a skull helmet flies over a town with his insect-like wings. A guy in a gray delivery-boy outfit and cape watches as someone eats a stack of buttered toast across the room. A cat knocks over the toast, causing a woman in pink to laugh. The ninja jumps across some Japanese temple rooftops and attacks the delivery boy. The guy in a red jumpsuit laughs. The soldier opens a can of Minotaurs. YOU HEARD ME ... A CAN OF MINOTAURS. Three people stand back-to-back-to-back in a triangle. Back to the Minotaur battle, where dozens of ninjas have joined the fight. The delivery boy prepares more cans of Minotaurs. And ... title! What the hell?

0:03 The delivery boy appears in a blaze of white light. "In a sacred hall where three giant pine trees are enshrined ... you hear an ominous voice echo from somewhere." So we're going with second-person exposition here? Really? Anyway, I've been trained in the means of combating darkness. Like lighting a match? A-hyuck, hyuck, hyuck.

0:05 I'm one of four great summoners of the Kuzunoha Clan. "The right to be called Raidou is yours." An elderly voice welcomes me. More flashes of white. This is my final exam. The game asks me to "shout [my] final name, so [I] may leave it behind." What a waste. I name myself "2+2 =5" because I can.

***-->CONTINUE READING AT CRISPY GAMER<--***

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Monday, January 12, 2009

Klonoa 2: Lunatea's Veil

Developer: Namco
Publisher: Namco
Release Date: July 25, 2001
System: PlayStation 2
ESRB Rating: E

In a nutshell: Selective double jump.

0:00 I've been hearing excellent things about the Klonoa series of platformers for years, but I only purchased this one because it was $8 at GameStop. And I'm only playing it now because a Twitter friend gave it a high recommendation. I am cheap and easily influenced, apparently.

0:01 A big-eared, black and blue bunny thing with red sneakers runs down a dirt road in a green clearing as the camera pans dramatically around. A little ditty plays and he jumps, crying out "Yeah!" as he does. The title appears. Alrighty then! New game!

0:02 The game gets early bonus points for allowing me to toggle which button is "shoot" and which is "jump." Obviously X should be jump, but it's nice of them to offer the option...

0:03 Very gentle, somewhat discordant music plays in the background. It sounds a bit like someone playing on a recorder. I'm not a fan.

0:04 "Klonoa Works Presents Klonoa 2: Lunatea's Veil -- There's a forgotten dream. Was it a dream I can't remember, or a dream I won't remember? Have I got the dream or has the dream got me? Surely, there was a dream." The black and blue guy is falling upside-down through an inky void with some small white lights. DreamVoice: "Help... help me." Now he's fallen in the ocean on a quiet, rainy night full of clouds. "There he is," says the crew of a red biplane passing by. "Okay, okay... leave it to me!" They swing by to pick him up, but then think twice because of some witnesses on the beach. "We can't risk losing the Ring." They fly off to menace another day, I suppose.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Monday, January 5, 2009

Maximo Vs. Army of Zin

Developer: Capcom Production Studio 8
Publisher: Capcom
Release Date: Jan. 20, 2004
System: PS2
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Minimum Maximo difficulty.

0:00 I absolutely loved the original Maximo: Ghosts to Glory ... until I ran out of continue coins and got stuck halfway through the LAST LEVEL! ARGH! Hopefully this one keeps the fun and challenge while losing the progress-stopping brick walls.

0:01 The title screen appears almost immediately with a bouncing, hand-drawn black army in red light advancing towards me from the background. It's cute and menacing at the same time. Creepy violin music.

0:03 The selectable difficulties are "Normal" and "Hard." Given how hard the last game was, I figure Normal will be hard enough.

0:04 A skeleton bird flies out of a red moon and over an absolutely massive CGI cut scene battle between men and skeletons. "Unholy demons," cries an armored warrior. "While I live Castle Hawkmore will never fall!" The battle done, the few remaining men gather up the dead skeleton bones. "Seal the vault behind me!" cries Mr. Armor Man. "But Lord Morrigan, you'll be trapped." No matter! He demands that his heirs guard the vault with their very lives. "It must remain sealed ... forever."

0:06 500 years later, Maximo gets attacked by a group of forest bandits. Then a distressed woman runs in and asks for help with some village-attacking monsters. Then a mechanical knight joins the party. Maximo looks past him "You're late, Grim," he says with a smile. "I always come ... in the end," says the Grim Reaper, who appears behind the skeleton and slashes him to bits. COOL! Anyway, Grim can't find Sofia's soul in the underworld. "Then she's alive?" Possibly ... Grim is mad about souls getting compressed into jewelry, for some reason, while Maximo wants to help the woman's village. The voice acting's a bit cheesy, but the animation is top-notch.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Choro Q

Developer: Takara
Publisher: Atlus
Release Date: Nov. 4, 2004
System: PS2
ESRB Rating: E
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Super Happy Fun Racing RPG Good Time Game!

0:00 I don't know how GameStop expected me to resist a game whose box says "Intense Racing Action," "Robust RPG Adventure" and "$2.99 Used" on the back.

0:01 An extremely outdated CGI cut scene shows a bunch of tiny cars racing around a track with a bunch more cars sitting in the stands. The inspiration for Pixar's "Cars"? A bunch of different foreign words for "Freedom" appear over a montage of these tiny, tiny cars zipping around some interesting racing tracks. High energy cheesy guitar music precedes the title screen. Pretty standard PS2-era intro.

0:02 The title screen has some extremely happy music and a cars driving around a very tiny globe with happy, vibrant colored houses. It looks like MySims more than "INTENSE RACING ACTION."

0:04 I think this is the first racing game I've ever played with an "Auto Cruise" button.

0:05 Cartoon "Brrrrrrr!"s fill the screen when I set the controller vibration. I have a feeling I'm going to like this game.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 4

Developer: Atlus
Publisher: Atlus
Release Date: Dec. 9, 2008
System: PS2
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Now with less shooting yourself in the head (at least so far).

0:00 Despite saying that I would play Persona 3 FES for more than an hour in my GFL column, I never actually went back to it. Other games got in the way, but the disturbing anime imagery definitely got in my head and left me looking vaguely forward to this sequel.

0:01 Piano music. A bunch of TVs, one with the game's logo. A guy puts on glasses. A lonely loveseat. The guy lands and runs. The lonely loveseat gets the guy sitting in it. A girl with a fan. A guy with large headphones. Another with a skull and crossbones shirt. A bulbous blue egg-shaped man in a clown suit?!?! A card spinning on its corner. Detectives. Shaky-cam anime of a fight. A girl with a parasol. A Britney Spears-alike on a stage. The lonely loveseat again, on the TV, which switches of and cuts to ... the title screen! Wuzzah huh?

0:05 "Before you begin the story, choose a difficulty level in battle." The choices are Normal, Beginner and Expert. Seeing as I doubt I'll get to more than one battle in my first hour, it doesn't matter much, but I choose Normal. "You will be able to enjoy the normal challenge of battle, which requires a certain degree of strategy." You don't scare me! "Now, please sit back and enjoy the game." How thoughtful!

0:06 Black fog rolls by. A fancy car rolls into view in super close up. A woman in a pseudo-military outfit opens her eyes. A man with a ridiculous nose opens his eyes. "Welcome to the Velvet room!" Well that sounds familiar. Cut to 3-D models of the twosome inside the car. "Ah ... it seems we have a guest with an intriguing destiny..." says the "Bizarre-looking Man." Really, that's what the game calls him!

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Thursday, September 11, 2008

DT Carnage

Developer: Axis Entertainment
Publisher: AgeTec
Release Date: Sept. 4, 2008
Systems: PS2 (reviewed), PSP
ESRB Rating: E-10+

In a nutshell: Destruction Derby mixed with pure awfulness.

0:00 I literally did not know this game existed until it showed up in my mailbox. I don't even know what the "DT" is supposed to stand for. But I'm not proud. "If you send it I will play it for an hour and review it," that's my motto.

0:01 The game jumps right to the title screen, with an extremely generic picture of a car and some smooth jazz music over the top. The game then loads up an attract mode demo with surprisingly good-looking cars, a somewhat jumpy frame rate and more generic rock. The bare bones presentation reminds me a of an original PlayStation game, not entirely in a bad way.

0:03 After playing around with some options, it's off to the "League Conquest" mode. It was either that or the aptly named "Pick up & Play" mode.

0:04 "So you're the rookie," says a textbox with a disturbing picture of a red-headed instructor. "Let's see what you've got. You probably don't even know your left from your right yet, so I don't expect to be impressed." Hey, that's not fair! Left is the one where your hand makes an "L"!

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Friday, July 25, 2008

Ace Combat 4: Shattered Skies

Developer: Namco
Publisher: Namco
Release Date: Oct. 23, 2001
System: PS2
ESRB Rating: E
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Skies like a plate glass window.

0:00 I've heard good things about this series but never actually touched it. If it's anything like Sega's Afterburner arcade game, it should be right up my alley.

0:01 "Have so far to go," sings an ethereal voice over scenes of a sea bird flying over the ocean. A jet flies by, knocking some feathers off the innocent avian. More birds, more jets, more shots of the ocean and we quickly reach the title.

0:02 On to the tutorial to learn some aircraft basics. "Amidst the blue skies, a link from past to future. The sheltering wings of our protector..." says a cryptic message during hte loading screen.

0:03 The plane is in autopilot as the game ponderously tells me how to raise and lower the nose of the plane. There's no way to speed up the extremely slow text messages... I just have to wait patiently until the game lets me try it for myself. Argh.

0:05 Interesting... Instead of simply drifting/turning left and right with the analog stick, I have to first rotate the plane and then tip the nose to turn. This is more realistic, I guess, but I feel like it will take some getting used to. I do like the heads-up display, which shows altitude and orientation via a series of simple, green lines on a first-person viewscreen.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Friday, June 13, 2008

Persona 3: FES

Developer: Atlus
Publisher: Atlus
Release Date: April 22, 2008
System: PS2
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web site

In a nutshell: The best game I've ever watched, or the best anime I've ever "played."

0:00 All I really know about this game is that the guys from Penny Arcade liked it and that Atlus gave me a free copy of the recent "FES" update, whatever that means.

0:01 Japanese singing over a confusing, jump cut-strewn anime. Then an equally confusing English rap over more jump cuts -- there's one every second or so! Flashes of people walking around school, RPG-style battles, a girl in a French maid's outfit, a white tiger, a gun to the face, a shop, and much more that I don't have time to write down.

0:03 In contrast to the frenetic intro, the title screen is dressed in mild greens with a gentle piano soundtrack and a full moon outside a window.

0:04 My menu choices are "The Journey" and "The Answer." Um, I was actually looking for "New Game"" or something. I guess that's kind of like a journey.

0:05 There's "New Game," along with my old friends "Load Game," "Config" and "Return to Title." Whew!

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

R-Type Final

Developer: Irem
Publisher: Eidos
Release Date: Feb. 2, 2004
System: PS2
ESRB Rating: E
Official Web page

In a nutshell: Side-Scrolling Space Shooter: The Final Frontier
0:00 I just got done reviewing the putrid spin-off R-Type Command for CG, so I'm finally unwrapping this one to remind myself why I liked the series in the first place. The last one I played seriously was Super R-Type on the SNES.

0:01 A bright sunny sky with the sounds of lapping waves. Jump to a fighter coming dangerously close to crushing some citizenry as it makes a hairpin turn right above a city street. Diagram shots of other fighters are intercut with video of a virus multiplying. The various fighters all charge up a shot together and take out an advancing wave of Bydo forces. Back to the beach. The back of a fighter is sticking up from the water. The title appears as the beach scene turns to twilight.

0:04 I go into the tutorial to learn how the series has advanced since the early '90s. Apparently now I can change speeds, and I won't die if my fighter touches the ground. There are also two levels of missiles now. Otherwise it's the same shoot-everything-that-moves gameplay that I used to love.

0:10 Another new feature -- absorbing shots with my protective orange "force" can charge up a screen-clearing shot. I can unlock a bunch of different ships, eventually.

0:12 "Start Game!" I can choose from three ships, and customize the missiles and color! I go with the basic "R-9A" model, but I fabulize it in purple with a purple trim.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I-Ninja

Developer: Argonaut
Publisher: Namco
Release Date: Nov. 18, 2003
Systems: PS2 (reviewed), Gamecube, Xbox, PC
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Like an iPod, but with more Ninja, I guess?

0:00 I remembered hearing some vaguely good things about this action-platformer years back, so when I saw it for $5 on a clearance rack, I couldn't say no.

0:01 The Namco logo just got attacked by shurikens. The Argonaut logo is slashed in half. I don't know which is preferable.

0:02 "Feel my steel," says our hero ninja as he automatically beats up a bunch of generic-looking bad guys in the background of the title screen. Everything is very rounded and pleasantly old-school cartoon-style.

0:03 In a cut scene, our hero jumps across some steps. He finds his sensei chained and guarded by generic grey ninjas. He takes out the guards quickly and slashes the chains, then takes out a big green monster just as quickly. A red thing rises from his gaping maw. When the Ninja grabs it he goes berserk and kills the sensei. Wait, what? Did that actually just happen? "What have I done? Master... you're dead." Ghost sensei tells him these special rage stones are valuable and have to be retrieved. "Ugh, he's dead and still all he can think about is my training," says our hero. Er, you were the one who killed him.

0:04 There's a busted giant robot on the beach. He was governor of this region, according to sensei. A robot governor? Hey, just like Schwarzenegger!

0:06 On to the action. Attacks are suitably button-mashy, but it's relatively easy to redirect and dodge as I attack. I like the double jump, too. So far, so good.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Friday, May 2, 2008

Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening

Developer: Capcom
Publisher: Capcom
Release Date: March 1, 2005
System: PS2 (reviewed), Windows
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Slashy Slashy Bang Bang

0:00 I played the original Devil May Cry for about five minutes back in college. I watched the first three episodes of the "DMC" anime, though, so I feel like an expert already.

0:01 "Warning, this game contains explicit scenes of violence and gore." As if the M rating wasn't warning enough.

0:02 "You've heard of it, haven't you? The legend of Sparda? When I was young, my father would tell me stories about it." A female voice goes on about a demon who rebelled against his own kind and sealed a portal to the demon world. His power was trapped on the other side. Fade in to slow-mo shots of a rain-drenched sword battle. Her father's stories were true! "I met the sons of Sparda, both of them! It seemed as if they derived some sort of twisted pleasure from this brotherly fighting." Anyone with a sibling can relate. One stabs the other. "But in the end only one was left standing." A phone rings. "Want to know the name? Devil May Cry!" someone screams. I knew the name already. Thanks, though.

0:06 I don't know how I'm gonna remember all the controls on this config screen. Luckily, the game asks if I want a tutorial (I do). It also asks me to choose between "Yellow" and "Gold." Since I have no idea what this means, I pick Gold. Because it's shiny.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Friday, April 25, 2008

Giants: Citizen Kabuto

Developer: Digital Mayhem
Publisher: Interplay
Release Date: Dec. 21, 2001
Systems: PS2 (reviewed), Windows, Mac
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: A spider-infested day at the beach.

0:00 I picked up a cheap, used copy of this game years ago after vaguely remembering it was pretty well-received, then I never even touched it. No time like the present to try it out, eh?

0:01 An alien with a beer stein is relaxing on a wooden recliner. He's crushed by a giant, roaring green alien. Then the title comes in. Uh... Word.

0:03 A spaceship flies over an ocean to an island chain. Soaring music. "Closer, okay?" says one Master Chief-looking space-guy "Right, see you around, Baz," says another. There's a miscommunication and one of the guys gets locked outside the ship's hatch without a jetpack. He falls onto the island with a cry of "YOU VICIOUS BASTARD!" Still, he plants a British flag on the soil while "Hail, Britannia" plays. A bird picks up the flag and flies off. I have no idea what's going on, but the voice acting is so emotive, I don't care.

0:04 My mission: "Find the helpless little SMARTIE BOY. Hurry! He's in danger! Go! Shoo!" I've never had a game tell me to "shoo!" before.

0:05 Already I'm controlling things. Gotta love a game that doesn't belabor the story. There are some nice majestic views of the ocean, but the ground itself is blocky and pixelated. I'll admit it: I've been spoiled by the graphics on the new generation of machines.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Monday, April 21, 2008

Viewtiful Joe

Developer: Clover Studio
Publisher: Capcom
Release Date: Aug. 24, 2004
Systems: PlayStation 2 (reviewed), GameCube
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web Site

In a nutshell: "Henshin-a-go-go, Baby"

0:00 Despite hearing about a bazillion people gush about this game over the years, my only exposure to the series is a five-minute demo of the Nintendo DS version at E3 2005. Will the original live up to the hype?

0:01 Red-bodysuited, musclebound Joe races into a black void just in time to do a stylish dodge of the Capcom logo that flies in. Then he kicks some of the letters that fell out of place. What a "Viewtiful" intro, and we haven't even hit the title screen yet!

0:02 "The Jadow move ominously across the land, dyeing the sky with blood and staining the earth. Those who have faith in justice and honor, valor and goodness, call out his name -- the ultimate superhero, the only one who can save the world from extinction. If he can't do it, no one can," intones a cheesy yet endearing B-movie announcer. "Who, me?" replies Joe, as he runs, punches, kicks, and flexes like he's a supermodel. So... stylish... can't... speak...at normal... rate!

0:04 The difficulty choices are "Sweet," "Kids" and "Adults," the latter rendered in red-light district neon. I haven't considered myself a "kid" since that incident at camp. Adults it is. I may live to regret this.

0:05 An old film-reel countdown precedes the introduction of "Captain Blue," who shows up on grainy film with tinny hero music. "Captain Blue fights with every ounce of his being. This is all that blue has ever wanted: To do the right thing," intones the same announcer from before. Joe is watching this movie with his girlfriend in an otherwise empty theater. It's not the red-suited Joe from earlier, but a schlumpy, blue-shirted version with facial hair. "Why don't you show me some off-screen action," girlfriend Silvia says, but Joe wants to watch the movie. Is this supposed to make him a sympathetic character? The fact that he loves movies so much he ignores it when his girlfriend throws herself at him?

Readthe full review at Crispy Gamer

Friday, October 26, 2007

Buzz! The Party Quiz


Developer: Relentless Software
Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment
Release Date: Oct. 30, 2007
Systems: PS2
ESRB Rating: E10+
Official Web Site

In a nutshell: You Don't Know Jack without the crude humor. Or much humor at all, in fact.

This review features guest commentary from my wife, Michelle.

0:01 This minute is spent opening the ridiculous shrink wrap. and plugging the specially designed controllers in. I like that the little USB hub thing has a velcro strap to secure the loose wires when done.

0:02
A Mick Jagger lookalike listens to his Hi-Fi when a bright light takes him away. The same thing happens to an afro-sporting disco dude, an Elvis impersonator, a lipstick-applying girl in a Corvette and a ridiculous looking blonde guy counting his money by the pool. What this has to do with a trivia quiz? I have no idea. Turns out the light was from a limo, and it's taking them to a red carpet gala event... Buzz! That was pointless.

0:04
"Hello, welcome to Buzz! Whatever you want to do is OK by me," says the sultry Vanna White lookalike who introduces the menu. Hubba hubba. The big red buttons on the controllers blink to get your attention. Cute, and unexpected.

0:06 We choose a standard difficulty short game to start. Both of us hit a button to choose which player slot we'll fill. Easy-peasy, and no shuffling of controllers/cords.

0:08 You get to choose a face, a costume and a buzzing sound effect through a simple interface. Michelle is laughing like an idiot over the buzz effects. I end up with an elephant roar, she choose a stadium air horn. "This is gonna get old real fast, though," she says ominously.

0:10 The host is named Buzz. How original. "Let's say hello to our trivia athletes. *applause* Enough... Let's go!" Point Picker is the first round. "A nice easy round." Rose explains things nice and slowly for the non-gamers out there. Pick a category and answer the question. Simple. First category: "The power of television."

0:11 "Oh, you don't have to buzz in to answer?" Michelle is kind of surprised. Nope, just hit the colored button corresponding to the multiple choices. So far we're both two for two -- questions about South Park and Carmen Electra. E-Z.

0:13 After round one I'm down 250 points because I didn't know Maroon 5 was from L.A. "Winner Stays On" is next. There's no discernible loading despite every single bit of text being spoken. Well done.

0:16 "Please accept this offering of derision," Buzz says as I hit the wrong button accidentally. Come on... I know that the picture of Kirsten Dunst is younger than the picture of Jamie Lee Curtis. Next up is "Fastest Finger." The animation on the host and characters is simple but effective. Very exaggerated.

0:20 "Take your time everyone. It's not like the game's a test of, um, speed or anything," Buzz says when we take too long. The humor falls a little flat, I've got to say.

0:21 Pie Fight? There's a mode called Pie Fight?!?! I almost do a spit take. "Only the fastest correct player gets to throw pies in this round." I love it!

0:23 I finally win a round! 1000 points for answering more questions and throwing more pies. Might be more interesting if there was more than one opponent to throw pies at...

0:24 In the "Mystery Challenge," we get to pick which horse of four will be fastest around a track. That's it. No trivia, no skill, no nothing. That was... pointless.

0:26 Globetrotter mode uses the interesting conceit of flying around the world and asking questions about wherever you end up. They're doing their best to spice up the act of answering general knowledge trivia. They're not doing a bad job, actually.

0:30 Put these words in the correct order to form NATO? Really? There's only one word that starts with each letter. Top Rank mode gets a little silly with this question.

0:32 Point Stealer mode would probably mean more if there with more people to steal points from. As it stands, it's just like every other mode. That's OK... I steal a lot of points from Michelle here. Mwahahaha!

0:34 Time for the final round... the Final Countdown mode. Our scores are converted to time and the first one to run out while thinking of answers loses. Let's go.

0:40 Wow... Final Countdown mode is STILL going. We have both answered practically every question right, and we alternate on who's fastest. Since the fastest answerer gets some time back we're both practically full on our meters. This could take a while.

0:43 Argh. The ever speeding clock finally catches up with me when I don 't know what a fletcher is. Michelle is the victor... I'll never live it down... I do get the "Losers Medal" though. And the "Slow Poke award." Um, whoo?

0:44 For her victory, Michelle wins a 1950's style computer that's "guaranteed not to become self aware." Then it kills Buzz. Heh. The first genuinely funny bit.

0:45 Hmmm... the PS3 seems to have died trying to reset the game. Weird.

0:50 After a quick restart and some monkeying around in the menu, we try a ten question "Quickfire Quiz."

0:53 I am fast but get two answers wrong. Michelle is slower but always right. Slow and steady DOES win the race!

0:54 We decide to try Quizmaster mode next. "I am... the quizmaster," Michelle says in her best Scottish brogue.

0:56 I need to hit start on the PS2 controller to start? That seems... odd.

0:58 Hmm... so Quizmaster mode has one player ask questions that other players have to answer with their buzzers. That was unexpected. I ask Michelle how many elephants I'm thinking of. She says 17, but the answer is 12. I WIN! Seriously, this seems like a useful mode for throwing parties, but it doesn't really work with two people

1:00
Oh man... we try a custom game with just the pie fight. Michelle answers all three questions faster, but messes up in the timing when trying to throw the pies. I win by not answering a single question. "I can't believe I hit myself with a pie... TWICE!" Michelle mourns.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? Yeah.
Why? Seems a decent way to waste time with friends, but it lacks that spark of wackiness that makes a truly great party game.

This review based on a retail copy provided by Sony.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Escape from Monkey Island



Developer: LucasArts
Publisher: LucasArts
Release Date: Jan. 20, 2001
Systems: PlayStation 2 (reviewed), Windows, MacOS
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web Site

Today's Game for Lunch comes from guestblogger Matt Matthews of Curmudgeon Gamer.

In a nutshell: Rube Goldberg puzzle situations with pithy dialogue. And monkeys.

0:01 Classic Monkey Island music plays over an uninteresting credits sequence.

0:02 Already with the monkey jokes: "That's the second biggest monkey head I've ever seen."

0:04 The game finally gives me an opportunity to do something and...I'm tied to a post. While my wife fights a pirate.

0:05 Apparently I use the shoulder buttons to go up and down in menus. Not liking that one bit.
0:07 How do I skip lines of dialogue? Ah...L1. Of course.

0:08 Ok, got it. I kick over some coals, juggle one with my feet, and kick it at a loaded cannon. And the battle is won!

0:09 Act 1 begins.

0:12 More dialogue. None of it funny. Make it stop.

0:15 Finally the cut scene ends and I can start doing something again. After all that jibber-jabber, I only laughed at one joke (the one about getting declared undead).

0:16 Ok, I have my orders from my wife: stop the catapult operator trying to destroy our house and then head for Lucre Island to meet with the family lawyers.

0:20 I've determined the pieces of this puzzle are probably the funny-looking cactus and getting some snacks for the catapult operator. Nothing else here, so I head into town.

0:23 Spent two minutes talking to two familiar-looking pirates who claim not to know me. All of the dialogue is awful.

0:26 I left town accidentally and ended up going to a house owned by Meathook. He's got a nice bridge, but nothing else interesting. Yawn.

0:31 Found myself down by the harbor. No grog from the grog machine. Nothing from the harbor mistress. No way to play with the pink ship with the hot chick on the front. Ah, but I did find an innertube. A busted innertube. We'll call it progress nonetheless.

0:34 Found the SCUMM Bar. Dart players, bartender, owner, and a drunk with a balloon and a bowl of pretzels.

0:35 Wait a minute! Pretzels! Got it. Get them to the catapult operator. Regrettably, the drunk isn't giving them up.

0:45 Finally figured it out. Dart players can be goaded into hitting the balloon. Popped balloon causes drunk to pass out. Pretzels acquired.

0:47 Back at the mansion. Boy does it take ages to get around in this world.

0:49 Ok, the funny looking cactus looks like a wishbone, so I can use the innertube there to make a slingshot.

0:50 Got the catapult owner to leave for a few seconds with the pretzels, but that didn't get me anything.

0:51 Ah, fiddle with catapult controls, and then he'll aim for the cactus when he returns. Done.

0:54 Boulder hits slingshot cactus, comes back and smacks catapult. Catapult falls off cliff. Catapult explodes like a Hollywood stunt catapult. I actually laughed out loud.

0:57 Threepwood says he'll still love his wife after rigor mortis sets in. That's an image I really didn't need.

0:58 Charles L. Charles shows up. Who could that be?

1:03 Good heavens, the dialogue goes on forever. I wish they'd shut up and let me do something. Apparently my next job is to go see the family lawyers.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? No.
Why? Too much talk with too few funny lines. Instead of interacting with the game, I mostly hit the X button to listen to jibber-jabber. Monkey Gear Solid? Anyway, give me something interesting to do, for crying out loud.

This review based on a cheap used copy I've had for years and hadn't cracked open.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3



Developer: Atlus
Publisher: Atlus
Release Date: Aug. 14, 2007
Systems: PlayStation 2
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web Site

Today's Game for Lucnh comes from guestblogger Tom Kim of the Gamasutra Podcast.

In a nutshell: A modern/near future console J-RPG. Unapologetically artsy and idiosyncratic, right down to its high school setting.



0:01
I crack open the case. Atlus is known for nice pack-ins, but I stop to note the enclosed art book is hardcover, and the package includes the CD soundtrack. The art book, CD and the game case are enclosed in a sturdy, glossy printed slipcover. Impressive. I'll probably only flip through the art book once or twice, and I'll never listen to the CD... Still, nice Atlus-style fan service.

0:03 I watch title sequence. True to the series, the visual style and graphic treatment don't disappoint. I am especially surprised by a bit that shows a character shooting himself in the head, complete with stylized blood splatter. Wonder how that'll sit with Jack Thompson...

0:05 I start up the game proper. I note some slick interface details like separate layers of 2D art with transparency and animation effects. And this is just for the start menu.

I am given the option to select the difficultly level: "Normal" or "Easy." This isn't common, especially in console JRPGs. I choose "Normal" and get admonished: "This setting is intended for experienced gamers. You will be able to enjoy the full challenge of battle, which requires a certain degree of strategy. Once you have begun, this setting cannot be changed without restarting the game. Continue?" Heck yeah. What does that imply for "Easy," I wonder. And why no "Hard" mode?

0:06 A suitably ominous text crawl notes that you will be given one year to save the world from the Shadows. I wonder what that bodes for total length of the play experience in "game time," and how that might correlate to real time.

0:08 The opening anime cinema is uncharacteristically long. I skip out around the five minute mark.



0:13 The character name options are satisfyingly robust. I can enter separate last and first names of 8 characters apiece, complete with caps and lowercase as well as special characters. I like this, especially for an RPG. For me, the ability to choose a good name seems to help me identify with my in-game avatar.

I spend a couple minutes thinking of names and enter "Emo Manbaby." It seems appropriate enough for a game set in high school. Other contenders include: Karōshi Boy, Shameful Seiyū , Pre-Sala ryMan, Cutter Cryer, Ecchi Otaku, and McLovin.

0:15 The first characters I encounter are two gun-toting security monitor gals with sexy thigh holsters and plaid miniskirts. This isn't how I remember high school... I almost get shot by the twitchy brunette. The voice talent for one of the girls sounds like a 35-year-old chain smoking waitress. Hawt!

0:16 I note that the game interface has a date and time stamp in the upper right corner... It displays the month, date, weekday and phase of the moon. I guess the game will actually hold me to that one-year-to-save-the-world thing. Anyone with any familiarity with the previous two Persona games will grasp the significance of moon phase.

0:17 Typical of the series, this one is heavy with branching dialog. I get to ask them scintillating questions like, "Why do you have a gun?" Answer: "Um, well, it's sorta like a hobby..." Her buddy chimes in, "You know how it is these days... It's for self-defense." No-pan Kissa patrons, beware!

0:18 Almost 20 minutes in and I realize that the only real interaction I've been allowed is to enter my name and to ask why I'm staying in the girls' dormitory.

0:22 For the first time, I'm allowed to directly control my character. The game has fully 3D character models and environments presented in the stylized flat color look of the Persona games. It's not a technical tour de force, but it still has some very attractively art direction. Camera control on right stick or shoulder buttons, movement on left. Circle-button auto-centers the camera. X-button is the all-purpose interaction trigger. No game pause or any other button options yet.

0:23 It's Emo Manbaby's first day at Gekkoukan High. The first room I enter is the men's restroom. Sound cues indicate that I flush and wash my hands. Very sanitary for a high schooler. My health condition improves to "Great," though I have no idea whether this is the result of an empty bladder or good hygiene.

0:25 I'm is sitting in a folding chair in the gymnasium listening to the principal prattle through a prepared speech. Lots of opening day preamble and not a lot of productivity. Thankfully, the game spares me the contents of the day, itself. The time line jumps to After School on the in game clock. So far, no big intro to game play systems. Just a lot of wandering around and asking questions. Maybe this fits my memories of high school more accurately than I thought...



0:27 I'm starting to notice interface cues: simple but attractive icons float over students' heads. The interface icons have some nice motion, too: the emoticons and the "next" arrow in the dialog boxes bounce and spin. Little animated sprites and text also appear in the game environment to accentuate areas of interest or to punctuate sound effects, like the katakana SFX in manga, but as colorful pictographs.

The conversation dialog interface features large, nicely detailed character art. The sprites aren't static, either. They display simple animations -- characters blink, there are "face fault" closeup sequences -- it's all really cleanly rendered. I like the cutscene transition: the screen closes from top and bottom and re-opens like a blinking eye. There's a lot of subtle polish and detail here.

0:28 I notice that so far, every conversation features full voice over work, all of which you can skip with the touch of a button.

0:30 The game clock advances to Evening and I'm back in the girls' dorm. I am given the option to sign the ledger at the front desk. This brings up: "Game Save," "Go back to my room," or "Do nothing." There is no "Quit to title" option... The Interface niceties continue even in the save screen with stylized animated typography.

Normally, this is where I hit the "pause" button and look up the game's interface settings (faster text scrolling, volume control, screen brightness, controller mapping, etc.) Interestingly, the game won't let me access my setup. There are no interface or design choices which will allow me to break the fiction of the game. The game actually forces you to turn the PS2 off to end your play session.



0:31 I opt to wander around the dorm after saving my game. My avatar is nattily dressed in a pinstriped suit jacket and indigo canvas high tops. He actually runs around with his hands in his pockets. His idle animations are "strike a pose" cool in a self-conscious high school-y way.

There's a men's room in the woman's dorm. The hand washing audio cue is now missing. I guess Emo's impeccable personal hygiene is limited to the school grounds. The game notes, "You feel great!" after using the facilities. I guess it was the empty bladder after all.

The redhead who greeted me at gunpoint the previous evening, Mitsuru is sitting on the couch in the lobby. To talk to her, I have to walk behind the couch. Odd.

Upstairs, there's a vending machine with "Cielo Mist, SoBay, and Mad Bull." 120 yen each. The purchased beverage (Mad Bull) goes into my inventory.

I find a couple unoccupied rooms. The third has a name plate, "Akihiko" and an occupant: another dude in the girls' dorm...

0:35 After I choose to retire to my room for the evening, I'm treated to a short in-engine cinema sequence. Akihiko emerges from his room to talk to Mitsuru. Unlike Emo Manbaby, he can talk to her in front of the couch like a normal person without having to look down her shirt. Also, he's a senior and he's much better dressed than me. I instantly hate him.

Akihiko leaves the dorm to investigate mysterious cases of "Apathy Syndrome" Mitsuru notes, "Be careful out there. This isn't a game."

0:37 The game clock advances by a day as I sleep. This is graphically displayed in an in-game time line cut scene noting the advance of the month and day. You really can't avoid the feeling of a ticking time bomb. My next day at school: the game clock auto-magically advances to the Afternoon.



There's a nice little bit where a teacher lectures some apparently throwaway dialog, then I'm asked to recall what she was talking about. Of course, I get the question wrong.

0:40 The game clock advances to Evening, and I'm back in the girls' dorm. I am treated to a couple new in-game engine cinematic sequences. I find out that the two girls and the school's Chairman are spying on me with hidden cameras. I hope ol' Emo isn't doing what comes naturally to high school boys alone in their bedrooms...

At the stroke of midnight, the game enters "Dark Hour," another time section in the game clock. During a dream-like sequence, I am given a key to access the "Velvet Room" by a dude with a long nose and a creepy little girl. She has yellow eyes like the neighborhood bully in A Christmas Story: "Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So help me, God! Yellow eyes!"

0:45 I'm three quarters into my first hour and still no access to any real game systems, save movement and conversation dialogs. So far this feels like an old-school graphic adventure. No RPG standards such as character inventory, stat adjustment or combat systems... nada.

0:50 Next day in school, I am given a choice to listen to a lecture or doze off. I choose to be a good boy. My Academics stat increases.

0:55 Back to the dorm, at Dark Hour. Maybe something interesting will finally happen... like some real interaction with game play systems? Anyone?

0:57 Akihiko returns to the dorm with a demon -- a "Shadow" -- in tow. I'm roused by Yukari, the trigger-happy brunette, and given a short sword. In order to activate my special abilities, I have to pick up Yukari's gun and shoot myself in the head.

Disappointingly, I'm not allowed to access any combat game play. Just a flashy anime henshin sequence of my "persona" cutting the enemy Shadows to shreds.

1:00 Right at the one hour mark, I get to enter a battle for real. There's a stylish command wheel with seven choices: Skill, Attack, Wait, Escape, Persona, Tactics, and Item. It's true turn-based combat. No real-time active combat stuff. However, unlike the previous Persona games, there are no conversation options for the combat, yet. Damn! I was hoping to talk them to death, literally.

I really hope this isn't the standard combat music I'll be treated to during every fight. It's a little too club fusion-lite.

Here how Emo's first fight goes:

Turn One: I choose "Attack" on the first of two "Cowardly Maya" which resemble a pile of shadowy arms holding blades and a white mask. I whack him (her? it?) with my short sword for minor damage. I get slashed by both Maya for my trouble.

Turn Two: Choose "Skill->Bash" on Maya #2. I kill it with a flashy-slashy attack. Maya #1 slaps me around a little.

Turn Three: It's back to "Attack" on Maya #1. This time, FTW.

I am treated to a cleanly designed "Result" screen that shows an appropriately emo looking full-screen character portrait of my Manbaby. He's very bishonen -- quite the anime-style pretty boy. I get 20 whopping EXP. On the follow-up screen, I note that my other stats are:

ACADEMICS (current level: "Slacker")
CHARM (current level: "Plain")
COURAGE (current level: "Timid")
HP
SP

I "feel a surge of energy inside" as I level up. My Hit Points and Spirit Points increase, and I am now able to create Personas up to level 2. My Persona levels up as well. My new and improved Level 2 Orpheus has the designation of "Fool." He learns the ability, "Agi." I note that he has his own separate set of stats:

STRENGTH
MAGIC
ENERGY
AGILITY
LUCK.

Emo bravely passes out after his first combat. I end up back in the Velvet Room, I learn that my Personas gain abilities in line with my social stats. Also, I can now access the Velvet Room at my own discretion using the key.

So ends my first hour of game play. If "play" is applied loosely to mean, "watching a whole lotta' Emo Manbaby stuff."

Some quick follow-up observations:
The kids attend school on Saturday. How very Japanese.
The third time I get to a teaching scene, I pay attention. On feeding my slacker classmate the correct answer, my Academics stat increases. The other students note that I appear "smart," and my Charm increases as well. If only the benefits of learning were so transparent in the real world...

Would I play this game for more than an hour? Yes.
Why?Although the first hour of Persona 3 is pretty non-interactive, I am digging the polished style and amusing characterizations. Also, some of the bits I've been exposed to hint at some interesting game play to come. Any RPG where I have to level up my Academics, Charm and Courage are good by me. Plus I get to vicariously re-live high school, except this time in a j-pop setting with demonic minions to do my bidding. What can I say: I am Emo Manbaby.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction


Developer: Radical Entertainment
Publisher: Vivendi Universal
Release Date: Aug. 23, 2005
Systems: Xbox, PS2, GameCube
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web Site

In honor of my broken Xbox 360, all this week I'll be going through some old original Xbox games I have lying around.

In a nutshell: Er, The Incredible Hulk causes Ultimate Destruction

0:01 The intro. is a cool vignette of actual in-game scenes. Nice to see developers showing off something besides pre-rendered bullshots for once.
0:02 "There's a thin line between good and bad. I walk that line every single day." Bruce Banner is "a big green time bomb... and I'm ticking." Nice, short summary of the backstory. The controller rumble is going nuts with every step. I hope this doesn't keep up in the real game.
0:03 I like the crunching imprints Hulk makes in the ground when landing from his insanely large jumps. I don't like having to hold R to run. It should be the default.
0:06 Hulk can climb walls remarkably fast. In fact, so far everything has been incredibly fast and fluid. I'm loving it.
0:08 Holy crap. The Hulk is a one-man missile launcher, throwing them at helicopters all on his own. This game is officially awesome.
0:09 Collecting hidden comic book covers is a cool extra, but it's a bit of a jarring break of the fourth wall.
0:13 The targeting and throwing controls are also very simple and intuitive. It's nice not having to fight with the controls for once.
0:15 OK, so when I run my Xbox controller emits this weird little periodic whine. Like it's trying to rumble, but can't quite do it. Kind of annoying.
0:17 The Hulk just made boxing gloves out of a CAR. This game just got ten times more awesome.
0:19 My doctor is telling me to come home to avoid some evil guy who's taken over an army division or something. "Don't worry, nobody knows I'm here." Yeah... sure...
0:21 So here I am, trying to play the level, but every two seconds the game pops up with a useful tidbit like "You have taken damage... look at your power meter." Grumble.
0:23 The goal of my first mission was to run to a jump marker and escape. Lame. I want to destroy, not run away! Also, in a cut scene, the bad guy picked up a burning bio-container and then started writhing in pain. Let this be a lesson kids... don't pick up burning bio-containers!
0:24 My doctor has green hair and a ponytail. More updates as they're warranted.
0:25 From the story recap: "Blonsky exhibits a profound hatred of all Gamma-irradiated creatures." ALL of them? Even the lovable Mr. Fantastic?
0:27 So now I have a push button device that transforms me into the hulk. I'm not sure why... something about curing me maybe perhaps somehow? Who cares? DESTROY!
0:29 When Hulk jumps in the water he stays under for a few seconds, then jumps out with a grunt and perfect comic timing. I do this five times before I start to get tired of it.
0:30 My new mission is to "destroy the police resistance?" Er, isn't that something that the bad guys do? I thought the Hulk was ostensibly a good guy.
0:32 It's incredibly easy and fun to walk and jump along the city rooftops. The only way to travel.
0:33 Now I have to destroy substations to reroute power to the doctor's machine. Seriously, how is the Hulk anything but a public menace here? Am I supposed to identify with this criminal property destruction?
0:38 Well that was easy. The substations went down with, like, three punches each, and
the helicopter and missile support couldn't touch me as long as I stayed on the rooftops. I'm still waiting for an objective that tells me to "Take out an entire militia" or something difficult.
0:40 Time a for a "challenge mission." Hopefully they're harder than the story missions thus far.
0:43 Ugh. The first challenge missions ask the Hulk (that's me) to transport a car across the city without picking it up. This is the polar opposite of fun. I quit before I finish.
0:44 "Gently carry civilians amublances before the building collapses." Are they kidding? The game isn't called "The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Gentle Carrying." Seriously, I'm all for mixing things up, but at least make it interesting.
0:50 Challenge Mission #3 is a quick race through some markers. This one is at least fun, though it still doesn't really fit the "destruction" in the title.
0:52 I get a silver medal on the challenge, but it doesn't tell me what I need for a gold. Lame. I manage to get the gold the next time through, though. So there!
0:55 It's really hard to impart how fun it is just to run around, jumping between walls and rooftops and smashing stuff. I could do this all day.
0:59 Another story mission complete: I just delivered a mainframe computer to Blonsky. I feel like an errand boy more than a giant green killing machine.
1:02 I just purchased some nice moves, like running grab and throw. On the on hand I feel like this should have been available at the start. On the other, it's nice to feel like I'm earning something.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? Yes
Why? Being the Hulk is awesome, even if doing what the game asks him to do is, so far, not.

This review based on a used retail copy purchased dirt cheap from a Blockbuster going-out-of-business sale.

Monday, August 27, 2007

TMNT


Developer: Ubisoft Montreal
Publisher: Ubisoft
Release Date: March 20, 2007
Systems: Wii (reviewed), any other you can name. Even the GBA.
ESRB Rating: E10+
Official Web Site

In a nutshell: The game based on the movie based on the revamped cartoon based on the classic cartoon based on the original comic book.

0:01 A super zoomed-in Michelangelo blinks at me from the Wii Menu screen. Creepy.
0:03 "A sensei once consoled a grief stricken boy as his brother prepared for battle." Master Splinter introduces the game with an inspiring parable about family over some uninspiring comic book art.
0:04 Double jump! All action games should be required to have double jumps. There, I said it.
0:05 To collect certain coins I have to "first complete my mission, then replay it." Way to squeeze some artificial replay value, game.
0:06 I know this is the first level and all, but so far I've spent three minutes running down a linear path and jumping. No enemies. No special moves. No real tutorial. Nothing.
0:07 Here we go, some Prince of Persia style wall running. And then... more jumping.
0:09 I've gotta say, so far I like the animation and the responsive controls. I just I had something to do with them. This tutorial is dragging on.
0:10 Every so often Leonardo exclaims "Wa-ha-hooo!" for NO APPARENT REASON. Very annoying.
0:11 Oh my God... an enemy! It only took 11 minutes! Of course you swing the remote to swing your sword.
0:12 Boy that was some easy combat. My wrist is already hurting from constant shaking.
0:14 Okay, seriously, running forward and jumping over near identical pits is only interesting for so long. Give me something else to do already.
0:15 Oh great, another set of wall jumps. I wonder if this will be different from the half dozen I've done already. Hmmm... nope.
0:16 Taking out bad guys "charges our inner strength," Leo says. There's a positive message for the youth of America.
0:17 "Unleashing your inner strength" means slowing everything down and putting a hazy graphic effect around everything, making it harder to attack. Yawn.
0:18 Leo: "This is the bomb. I don't think I'll ever see anything this beautiful again." The graphics are nice and evocative of place, but the most beautiful I'll ever see? No. Also, it's the bomb? Really?
0:19 Raphael hints that the upcoming story will nearly break the family apart. Intriguing. Who the hell is the Night Watcher? Supposed to be Batman? He has a pair of sai, so maybe he's Raphael in disguise? Whoever he is, I'm playing as him.
0:24 This Night Watcher is very good at taking a wide range of bad guys, from tough guy with bat to "tough guy with pipe" and everything in between. Wait... there's nothing in between!
0:26 After the fifth straight wave of nondescript bad guys, my wrist needs a break. Note to developers: sometimes, button presses work just as well. At least the enemies are actually attacking now, even if they aren't too smart about it.
0:28 OK, this is funny. In a rooftop battle, five identical guys with bats surround me. I double jump and do a downward strike to knock them back. They get up in unison and walk towards me in exact lockstep. Repeat x 8 and they're all done. Too much.
0:30 Two more waves of enemies go down to the unstoppable jumping attack. They can't touch me!
0:31 "Crime doesn't go away dude, but the Night Watcher sure put a lot of it out of commission." Pretty heady stuff for a game aimed at ten-year-olds.
0:33 OK, at least the guys with pipes are smart enough to block my jumping attacks. They're sitll pretty easy, though.
0:34 The level and anticlimactically on an empty rooftop. Whatever happened to boss battles?
0:35 Raphael is the Night Watcher. I thought so. Now we're controlling Don, out looking for components for his latest invention. If this story is supposed to hold together, then the mission has failed.
0:40 When Don falls in a pit "There must be a... system... error." Jeez. Later: "This does not... compute" Cornball.
0:41 So far, the game seems to be split into fighting levels and platforming levels, both of which are painfully straightforward.
0:44 The voice-over story during the platforming is a nice conceit. Keeps things interesting even when the action is pretty by-the-numbers. The dialogue and voice acting are actually pretty good.
0:45 The controls that were so responsive and intuitive are starting to show some wear. I'm messing up more than I feel I should.
0:48 The new batch of electric-bow enemies are actually pretty challenging. They dodge and strike at opportune moments. Nice difficulty curve.
0:49 You know what's fun. Jumping over a dozen identical electric barriers like they're hurdles. Wait, no, not fun... what's the word. Boring. That's it.
0:50 Don, upon beating some enemies. "To be or not to be. NOT!" Shakespeare is rolling over in his grave. Also, it barely makes sense. Is Don suicidal?
0:52 The platforming challenge are starting to get more interesting. Moving obstacles and platforms shows some promise.
0:53 Boss time against a living statue. When you die, all you have to do is shake the remote to recover some energy. Lame. Make death important!
0:55 This boss is actually quite tough. Like unfairly so. He moves incredibly quickly and his attacks are near impossible to avoid.
0:57 Boss battle done, I have to escape the slowest rising water ever. How slow is it. I didn't pause to type this timestamp.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? No.
Why? I am no longer a ten-year-old Turtles fan. Plus I could be playing Sands of Time instead.

This review based on a retail copy rented from GameFly.