Dead Rising: Case Zero

Developer: Capcom

Publisher: Capcom

Release Date: Sept. 28, 2010

System: Xbox 360

ESRB Rating: M

Official Web site

In a nutshell: Beats paying $60 to try out the full game, but doesn't beat paying $0 for a demo.

0:00 I shelled out the five bucks to download this one after hearing from a few sources that it was much more than just a demo for Dead Rising 2. I played the Wii's "Chop 'Till You Drop" version of the original game, which left me a little bit wanting.

0:01 Lots of logos, then a plain title screen quickly fades to a gas station with shambling zombies. "THIS AREA OBSERVED BY COMMUNITY WATCH CITIZENS" says a green street sign. I guess they're watching the zombies shamble all over their community, then?

0:03 My wife, watching from the couch: "This isn't Left 4 Dead? I mean it looks like Left 4 Dead. Not just because it has zombies, but the style too." My wife is very perceptive.

0:04 Some decently long loading precedes a shot of an open road. "This is Rebecca Chang reporting live from outside Las Vegas," says a tinny radio voice. The zombie outbreak has left 100,000 dead and one million may be infected. The military has set up a 50-mile perimeter outside the city, and they have shoot-to-kill orders. So... things are bad, then.

0:05 A guy gets out of a beat up pickup truck. The lettering on his orange shirt reads "IJIEK" for some reason. He walks over to gas pump cautiously and starts filling up. Personally, I'm shocked the pumps still work in the middle of a zombie apocalypse...

***-->CONTINUE READING<--***

***-->AT GAMERONI<-***

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Monster Hunter Freedom Unite

Developer: Capcom

Publisher: Capcom

Release Date: June 23, 2009

System: PSP

ESRB Rating: T

Official Web site

In a nutshell: Training to be a Monster Hunter is long, boring work.

0:00 This is like the PSP's answer to Pokemon, right? And the Japanese love it just as much as Pokemon? I'm not really a big fan of the Pokemon games, but this one has been sitting on my shelf for way too long, and it deserves its fair shake.

0:01 After a bit of loading, a tarp goes up at a makeshift campsite. Long pan over a suit of armor. A knight pounds a tent post into the ground as an ambulatory, human-sized cat carries some cloth in the background. A large beast grazes lazily in a field. The knight wipes his brow, dons a suit of armor, and takes a pickaxe to a rock wall. He trades the mined gems for some metal, then takes them to a blacksmith to be pounded in to armor. BORING! Where's the ACTION?!

0:03 The knight reads a map and buys some dragon meat to carve into a ridiculously oversized sword of some sort. Now a trio of soldiers is running out of the forest, tailed by a big dragon. The dragon trips as the soldiers fire makeshift bazookas, taking him down. An old woman sews the dragon hide and makes a nice vest and headscarf to go under the armor. A trumpet fanfare plays as we zoom in on the dark heart of the forest, where a black beast with glowing red eyes lunges. Title! The opening did a good job establishing the world...

0:05 Backround loading is set to "off" by deafult in the options. Who thought THAT was a good idea?

***-->CONTINUE READING AT<--***

***-->JOYSTICK DIVISION<--***

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Mega Man 10

Developer: Capcom

Publisher: Capcom

Release Date: March 1, 2010

Systems: Xbox 360 (reviewed), Wii, PS3

ESRB Rating: E

Official Web site

In a nutshell: It's been a while since I threw a controller through a TV, but it might not be too much longer...

0:00 I loved Mega Man 2 and 3 when I played them obsessively on the NES. I loved Mega Man X on the SNES. I loved most of the Mega Man games I played on the PS2's Anniversary Collection. I loved Mega Man 9 last year. I loved the quick demo of Mega Man 10 I got at the Consumer Electronics Show. I fully expect to love this game.

0:01 Mega Man's sister Roll rolls in. "I'm home." "There you are roll. Are you OK?" asks the kindly Dr. Light. "I dunno, I think I have a fever." She blacks out and Light explains that she "has come down with Roboenza. From what I can tell the virus only affects robots." Well, with a name like Roboenza, the robot-exclusivity isn't all that surprising...

0:02 So in 20XX, Roboenza is an all-out robot pandemic, and the humans can't figure out a cure (or even "perform simple tasks") without the aid of their robot helpers. OH CRUEL IRONY! Oh, and a month later the infected robots go crazy and try to take over the world. Of course.

0:03 Dr. Wily crash lands in his classic UFO, which Mega Man catches for some reason. "One of those infected robots went crazy. I've spent the last few days studying this roboenza. But even my genius was unable to find a cure." Long story short, he needs help finding pieces to his medicine-making machine and putting them back together. Mega Man volunteers, of course, and gets an offer of help from the mysterious Proto Man on the way out. "Let's do this." And the title screen appears, with Mega Man and Proto Man in partial shadow. Nice old school music.

0:04 Based on the character select screen, Proto Man has the classic slide, a chargable shot, and his shield can deflect bullets. Mega Man has none of that stuff. So why would anyone choose Mega Man? Ah... "Clearing the game in [Proto Man] mode will not be reflected in the leaderboards." That's OK... I'm not going for leaderboarding. That is so a word!

***-->CONTINUE READING AT<--***

***-->JOYSTICK DIVISION<--***

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Dark Void

Developer: Airtight Games
Publisher: Capcom
Release Date: Jan. 19, 2010
Systems: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PS3, PC
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: The Rocketeer is missing his rocket pack.

0:00 I played Dark Void briefly at CES 2009, and then again at CES 2010. During those sessions I was a fan of the floating, jetpack-based combat but not a fan of the severe lack of ammunition I keep running up against.

0:01 A blue light with a metallic logo flying in. Timpani-heavy drums in the background. Fade to white and the menu screen, a generic futuristic computer interface.

0:02 I choose Normal difficulty and dive into: "Episode 1, Chapter 1: Prologue." Introducing: An Introduction!

0:04 "Silver Watcher Sergeants are tougher and more aggressive." Thanks for that, loading screen! August 1938. Biplanes fly over a mesa. But they have jet engines? In the '30s? A guy with a jetpack flies with them. "The lateral stabilizers seem to have made the difference," says a voice in my ear as the camera swings behind the jetpack guy and I'm immediately in control. "Yeah, I have to admit I was a little nervous, but it's flying great." And it is ... the controls and pretty fluid and natural. The beautiful rocky outcroppings below help.

0:05 "Hold up, we got company." It's a thin, circular alien ship, with a rotating ring around it. Looks like something straight out of "Independence Day." "Look out!" "Incoming!" The aliens take out a jet-biplane.

0:06 Some satisfying aerial dogfighting action -- dodging their shots with gentle loops, then zooming to get them in my sights. The only sour note is the constant radio chatter. "Now, take them down with your rocket pack." "Take 'em out, take 'em out!" "Let's make 'em pay." SHUT UP!

***-->CONTINUE READING AT CRISPY GAMER<--***

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Bionic Commando (Xbox 360)

Developer: GRIN
Publisher: Capcom
Release Date: May 19, 2009
Systems: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PS3, PC
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web site

In a nutshell: It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing.

0:00 I wasn't too enamored with a quick five-minute demo of an early version of this game at CES, but it's Capcom, so it gets the benefit of the doubt for the full release.

0:01 An obligatory downloadable update, some loading, and the Capcom logo appears with the familiar old-school jingle. Yay!

0:02 The title floats on a light-blue background with soft, haunting piano music. I thought this was an action game. Why's the music going all emo on me?

0:03 I choose options from the circular menus using what looks like a length of pulsating black fiber-optic cable. Is that supposed to be the bionic arm? Ew.

0:04 Difficulty Settings are "Normal," "Hard" and "Commando." I'm guessing Commando is supposed to be harder than Hard, but it's really not clear on this circular menu ... Normal is normal enough for me, anyway.

0:05 I can see which button does what on an interactive loading screen. Then we fall slowly through the cloud cover to an overhead view of "Ascension City," by the bay. Gentle strings play in the background as a nuclear weapon goes off, disabling the camera. "Let me tell you about the man I met when I was still young..." Hmmm, that sounds familiar. So bionic soldiers were heroes, but the public turned on them. "They called them dangerous, crazy, not completely human. Bionics were a public menace." One was sentenced to death. "This is where our story begins..."

***-->CONTINUE READING AT CRISPY GAMER<--***

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Flock!

Developer: Proper Games
Publisher: Capcom
Release Date: April 8, 2009
Systems: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PS3, PC
ESRB Rating: E
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Go that way. No, not that way, that way. No, the other way. GRRRR!
0:00 I remember being enamored with this cute action/puzzle game during a short demo at E3 '08, but I just didn't know if it would have any staying power. We'll see, won't we?

0:01 Some loading and some file creation take up this entire first minute.

0:02 "Use your UFO to herd any animals in the level to the Motherflocker." I love any game that can be distilled into a single sentence that way. Also, "Motherflocker" is an epic win of naming.

0:03 Level 1 is named "Un-Baa-lievably Easy." I wonder if it'll be tough...

0:05 So, basically, I'm a UFO hovering a few feet off a patchwork of sewn-together grass. When I get close to the white puffball sheep, they run away scared. I have to use this reaction to herd them towards the Motherflocker mothership. The sheep are incredibly cute as they bounce up and down and away from my ship.

0:07 On to Level 2: "Hide and Seek." Here the sheep are hiding behind trees, but my ship's antenna points out the closest ones. I have to get used to making wide arcing circles around the sheep, so I don't inadvertently push them in the wrong direction while I'm trying to get in position.

***-->CONTINUE READING AT CRISPY GAMER<--***

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Bionic Commando: Rearmed

Developer: GRIN
Publisher: Capcom
Release Date: Aug. 14, 2008
Systems: PS3 (reviewed), Xbox 360, PC
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web site

In a nutshell: I miss the jump button.

0:00 I never really played the original Bionic Commando. I remember I had a neighbor friend who liked it, but I always insisted we play Super Mario Bros. instead when I was over. And the rest is history.

0:01 "Let me tell you about the man I met when I was still young..." says some white text on a grey background. They found a secret military document, describing the defunct Project Albatross. A power-mad Admiral decided to carry it off himself. So "Super Joe" went in to stop him, but all contact was lost. So now someone else is sent in to find Super Joe. "This is where our story begins." I love the remixed chiptune music.

0:02 Let's start with "basic tutorial." My grappling-hook arm can shoot straight ahead, straight up or diagonally. I can use it to climb up to platforms. Seems straightforward enough.

0:05 I can also use my arm to pull blocks and swing from ceilings, Spider-Man-style. "Now you are in a swing, and will continue to swing for all eternity without having to push another button." All eternity? Really? What if the sun explodes? Will I still be swinging?

0:07 Having some trouble timing my grapples in mid-air, but I eventually get it. I'm a little annoyed at the lack of a jump button. What kind of self-respecting platform game doesn't have a jump button? Super Mario Bros. had a jump button, that's for sure!

***-->CONTINUE READING AT CRISPY GAMER<--***

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Resident Evil 5

Developer: Capcom
Publisher: Capcom
Release Date: March 10, 2009
Systems: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PS3
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web site

In a nutshell: A little less survival horror, a little more action.

0:00 I can't say I was enamored with the co-op demo I played with Kotaku's Michael McWhertor at this year's CES. I think Left 4 Dead has spoiled slow, shambling zombies for me forever. We'll see if I can get over it for an hour at least...

0:01 A quick downloadable update and some animated logos and we're ready to go. A microscopic view of a bunch of black-and-white cells splitting zooms out to become the Resident Evil 5 logo. "Resident Evil ... FIVE," says a creepy voice, predictably.

0:03 Is it me, or does this seem like the kind of game that shouldn't have a "Leaderboards" option on the main menu...

0:04 I know this game is really best played cooperatively, but no one is around and the only friend I have online is playing Halo 3 and doesn't seem eager to stop.

0:05 Available difficulties are Amateur, "A mode for those who enjoy the journey"; Normal, "A mode for those who find reward through slight struggles"; and Veteran, "A mode for those who believe challenge breeds excellence." I'm somewhere in between the first two, so I err on the side of Normal.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

We Love Golf!

Developer: Camelot
Publisher: Capcom
Release Date: July 15, 2008
System: Wii
ESRB Rating: E10+
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Mario Golf ... minus the Mario ... plus the Wii Remote.

0:00 I don't really love golf in real life, but I did love Camelot's Mario Golf on the Nintendo 64, so I'm looking forward to this one quite a bit.

0:01 The chorus of chipper voices screaming "WE LOVE GOLF!" on the preview screen is almost worth the price of admission all on its own. What a way to start the morning.

0:02 No cut scene intro, just a title screen with the logo and the same chipper voices screaming at me about their love for golf. They need to up their meds. Seriously.

0:03 The brightly colored menu buttons make tones when I pass over them. Everyone is smiling and determined. Man, this is a happy game!

0:04 I can choose my player from Meg, Leo, Annie and Jack. Each looks no older than 14, and has a vibrant animated pose to go with their something. I go with Meg, who's very cute in her white skirt, orange shirt and white visor. Her stats? Who cares!

0:05 I think I'd better start with training before diving into a tournament. There are three courses, including the excellently named Sweet Candy Putting Forest. Let's start at the Highland Leaf Country Club, though.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Maximo Vs. Army of Zin

Developer: Capcom Production Studio 8
Publisher: Capcom
Release Date: Jan. 20, 2004
System: PS2
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Minimum Maximo difficulty.

0:00 I absolutely loved the original Maximo: Ghosts to Glory ... until I ran out of continue coins and got stuck halfway through the LAST LEVEL! ARGH! Hopefully this one keeps the fun and challenge while losing the progress-stopping brick walls.

0:01 The title screen appears almost immediately with a bouncing, hand-drawn black army in red light advancing towards me from the background. It's cute and menacing at the same time. Creepy violin music.

0:03 The selectable difficulties are "Normal" and "Hard." Given how hard the last game was, I figure Normal will be hard enough.

0:04 A skeleton bird flies out of a red moon and over an absolutely massive CGI cut scene battle between men and skeletons. "Unholy demons," cries an armored warrior. "While I live Castle Hawkmore will never fall!" The battle done, the few remaining men gather up the dead skeleton bones. "Seal the vault behind me!" cries Mr. Armor Man. "But Lord Morrigan, you'll be trapped." No matter! He demands that his heirs guard the vault with their very lives. "It must remain sealed ... forever."

0:06 500 years later, Maximo gets attacked by a group of forest bandits. Then a distressed woman runs in and asks for help with some village-attacking monsters. Then a mechanical knight joins the party. Maximo looks past him "You're late, Grim," he says with a smile. "I always come ... in the end," says the Grim Reaper, who appears behind the skeleton and slashes him to bits. COOL! Anyway, Grim can't find Sofia's soul in the underworld. "Then she's alive?" Possibly ... Grim is mad about souls getting compressed into jewelry, for some reason, while Maximo wants to help the woman's village. The voice acting's a bit cheesy, but the animation is top-notch.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Mega Man Star Force 2: Zerker X Ninja

Developer: Capcom
Publisher: Capcom
Release Date: June 24, 2008
System: Nintendo DS
ESRB Rating: E
Official Web site (Japanese)

In a nutshell: Diaries of a fifth-grade Mega Man.

0:00 I'm a big fan of the Mega Man series, but I've never played these RPG-like spinoff games. With my broken laptop preventing me from effectively taking notes on any console games, though, it seems like the perfect time to open this oddly named chestnut.

0:01 "In the days of old there was a Tribe that moved like wind and reigned over the land..." Then some anime robots jump around in full, anime-styled, double-screen regalia. The title appears with techno music and a streaky background. Whoo!

0:02 I get to choose between Zerker and Ninja modes. Since I have no idea what a "Zerker" is, I go with Ninja.

0:04 "I will set Zerker to Auto Brother" says a little blue slime thing. Er ... thanks? I name my Auto Brother Zerker "Zerker!!!!" Then I have to decide his age and gender. Oh lord, I really do not care...

0:05 "The year is 220X ... Owing to the rapid advance in wave technology, people are able to enjoy a life of ease and convenience." I'm Geo Stelar, a "fifth-grader in this future society." He's rarely left his room since his dad died, but an alien with an EM body, Omega-Xis, merged with him (is that what they're calling it these days?) to become ... Mega Man! Then FM-ians attacked Earth and Mega Man saved them. Hooray for backstory!

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Mega Man 9

Developer: Inti Creates
Publisher: Capcom
Release Date: Oct. 1, 2008
Systems: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PS3, Wii
ESRB Rating: E
Official Web site (Japanese)

In a nutshell: Busting it old school
0:00 I've been looking forward to this one ever since I heard it was being done in the old NES style of simple gameplay and graphics. I loved Mega Man 2 and 3 decades ago, and Mega Man X and Mega Man Powered Up later. I'm not a total obsessive or anything, though.

0:01 Dr. Wily on his hands and knees, in pixilated black and white: "I'm so sorry. Please forgive me!" The year 20XX, and the world breathes "a collective sigh of relief" now that Mega Man (MM) has defeated Dr. Wily ... yet again. "But then..." The background turns red and explosions rock the city. Robots are running amok! In Dr. Light's house, MM and Light watch the news. Dr. Wily comes on TV: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not my doing." He blames Dr. Light, who designed the robots and, Wily alleges, has had evil designs all the time. He has video of Dr. Light telling Dr. Wily that it's "time to take over the world," with Wily resisting. I don't believe anything unless I see it on YouTube...

0:03 Wily has a Swiss bank account set up to take donations to help stop Dr. Light. Light's phone is ringing off the hook with people complaining. What are we gonna do? "For starters, I'm going to do something about those robots!" says MM. "You haven't done this in a while," says Dr. Light with a sly wink to the player.

0:04 On to the title screen. I'm absolutely LOVING the retro action music. The full-screen, low-color pixel graphics look surprisingly good, even so many years after they were state-of-the-art.

0:05 Seeing messages like "Leaderboards" and "Achievements" and "Return to Xbox Live" in the decidedly 8-bit menu is a bit disconcerting.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Wolf of the Battlefield: Commando 3

Developer: Backbone Entertainment
Publisher: Capcom
Release Date: June 11, 2008
System: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PS3
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Shoot stuff.

0:00 I have some vague memories of the NES-era original Commando, but it wasn't one of the gaming staples of my youth or anything.

0:01 The Backbone logo just fired a couple of Gatling guns into the air for no reason. Some quick loading and the title appears over some jungle/island rhythms.

0:02 "Use guns to defeat enemies and destroy barricades." Oh, my, how original.

0:03 Looks like your basic two-stick move-and-shoot game. I can avoid taking damage for a score multiplier. Plus there are items and such! I like the exaggerated art style in the menu screens.

0:04 The difficulties are: Cake Walk, Routine Exercise, Black Ops and Suicide Mission. All games should have a Suicide Mission difficulty. Even Pong! I go with Routine Exercise. Wolf, Coyote and Fox are my character choices. I choose Fox, because everything about her is "Classified." Also, she's fast.

0:05 My first mission is titled "Beach." Does this extremely generic beach have a name, or does everyone just call it beach?

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Lost Planet: Extreme Condition: Colonies Edition

Developer: Capcom
Publisher: Capcom
Release Date: May 27, 2008
System: Xbox 360
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Kill aliens... in the snow this time!

0:00 I played at early demo of this game way back at X06 in Barcelona. I was on about two hours of sleep at the time, though, so I don't really remember much of it.

0:01 I'm a bit annoyed that I have to download an update for the game, but most of that annoyance melts away when I see the download complete in roughly 10 seconds. Now that's how you do an update!

0:02 No intro cut scene, just cut straight to a title menu on a black background. Gentle strings in the background give way to a thumping, drum-heavy beat in the options screen.

0:03 New game, normal difficulty. The game warns me that "the game will begin with this difficulty." Well, duh!

0:04 A big metal walker trudges through a frozen cityscape along with some supporting troops. Orange lightening in the distance. "It was T.C. minus 80, 80 years before the trial century. Humanity left a quiet world for the snow-covered E.D.N.3" (pronounced "Eden-3"). Why, exactly?

0:06 Cut to a shot of gas-masked, jack-booted soldiers in a corridor. There's some rumbling from outside, and then a giant brownish-orange thing rolls in like an armadillo, knocking the soldiers about. It unrolls itself to show a body resembling a scorpion and lets out a huge scream. Back to Mr. Narrator: "With the expansion of the colony, humanity encountered a new alien life form known as the Akrid." You don't say!

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Devil May Cry 4

Publisher: Capcom
Developer: Capcom
Release Date: Feb. 5, 2008
Systems: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PS3, Windows
ESRB Rating: E
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Why I finally opened DMC3 on Friday.

0:00 Another day, another Devil May Cry game. If it's anything like No. 3, I'll be happy.

0:01 A woman walks through an orange marble conservatory. Lightning in the distance as a guy in a red coat (Dante?) watches. A winged thing descends. A floating snake slinks by. Dante and the girl look at each other. Quick jump cuts show Dante in action, getting kicked in the face, grabbing enemies, riding them like scooters, shooting them, getting eaten, kicking them into the air, pile driving them into the ground, etc. "The story goes that Sparda served as the feudal lord of the city long ago. The people of the city take these stories as truth and worship him as a god." Scenes of citizens fleeing from monsters. Dante kicking falling blocks of granite. The girl floats in a blue stasis field. "She has nothing to do with this... Let her go!" Etc. etc. Contemplative music over slow-mo action scenes. Dante leaps and reaches out for something. He screams out as the title appears. I feel like I've seen the whole of the story already?

0:04 The title screen shows which of my Xbox Live friends are playing the game and how much they've completed. Is this supposed to unleash my competitive fires?

0:06 I can choose "Human" or "Devil Hunter" difficulties. I'm not exactly "new" to the series, but I've only played for an hour, so "Human" it is. I choose to turn on "Automatic," whatever that means.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening

Developer: Capcom
Publisher: Capcom
Release Date: March 1, 2005
System: PS2 (reviewed), Windows
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Slashy Slashy Bang Bang

0:00 I played the original Devil May Cry for about five minutes back in college. I watched the first three episodes of the "DMC" anime, though, so I feel like an expert already.

0:01 "Warning, this game contains explicit scenes of violence and gore." As if the M rating wasn't warning enough.

0:02 "You've heard of it, haven't you? The legend of Sparda? When I was young, my father would tell me stories about it." A female voice goes on about a demon who rebelled against his own kind and sealed a portal to the demon world. His power was trapped on the other side. Fade in to slow-mo shots of a rain-drenched sword battle. Her father's stories were true! "I met the sons of Sparda, both of them! It seemed as if they derived some sort of twisted pleasure from this brotherly fighting." Anyone with a sibling can relate. One stabs the other. "But in the end only one was left standing." A phone rings. "Want to know the name? Devil May Cry!" someone screams. I knew the name already. Thanks, though.

0:06 I don't know how I'm gonna remember all the controls on this config screen. Luckily, the game asks if I want a tutorial (I do). It also asks me to choose between "Yellow" and "Gold." Since I have no idea what this means, I pick Gold. Because it's shiny.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Viewtiful Joe

Developer: Clover Studio
Publisher: Capcom
Release Date: Aug. 24, 2004
Systems: PlayStation 2 (reviewed), GameCube
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web Site

In a nutshell: "Henshin-a-go-go, Baby"

0:00 Despite hearing about a bazillion people gush about this game over the years, my only exposure to the series is a five-minute demo of the Nintendo DS version at E3 2005. Will the original live up to the hype?

0:01 Red-bodysuited, musclebound Joe races into a black void just in time to do a stylish dodge of the Capcom logo that flies in. Then he kicks some of the letters that fell out of place. What a "Viewtiful" intro, and we haven't even hit the title screen yet!

0:02 "The Jadow move ominously across the land, dyeing the sky with blood and staining the earth. Those who have faith in justice and honor, valor and goodness, call out his name -- the ultimate superhero, the only one who can save the world from extinction. If he can't do it, no one can," intones a cheesy yet endearing B-movie announcer. "Who, me?" replies Joe, as he runs, punches, kicks, and flexes like he's a supermodel. So... stylish... can't... speak...at normal... rate!

0:04 The difficulty choices are "Sweet," "Kids" and "Adults," the latter rendered in red-light district neon. I haven't considered myself a "kid" since that incident at camp. Adults it is. I may live to regret this.

0:05 An old film-reel countdown precedes the introduction of "Captain Blue," who shows up on grainy film with tinny hero music. "Captain Blue fights with every ounce of his being. This is all that blue has ever wanted: To do the right thing," intones the same announcer from before. Joe is watching this movie with his girlfriend in an otherwise empty theater. It's not the red-suited Joe from earlier, but a schlumpy, blue-shirted version with facial hair. "Why don't you show me some off-screen action," girlfriend Silvia says, but Joe wants to watch the movie. Is this supposed to make him a sympathetic character? The fact that he loves movies so much he ignores it when his girlfriend throws herself at him?

Readthe full review at Crispy Gamer

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

Developer: Developer: High Voltage Software
Publisher: Capcom
Release Date: Jan. 8, 2008
System: Wii
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Lawyer of the absurd

0:00 I'm a casual fan of both the "Harvey Birdman" cartoon series and the Phoenix Wright games on which this game is ostensibly based, so I should be right in the target audience for this one, right? Right?

0:01 The menu screen is set up like a disorganized desk of papers. I love the remixed theme song from the show.

0:02 A twig snaps. "You damn twig-snappers, people are trying to sleep," cries a random voice. Then someone sets fire to an apartment building. Peter Potamus (the classic Hanna-Barbera character) happened to be driving by. Did he set the fire? Nice to see they kept the manic pace and somewhat confusing openings from the show.

0:03 Cut to Harvey's office. A cut scene is interrupted when I'm asked to help Harvey solve a crossword puzzle: What seven letter word starts with "A" and means "long and hard?" Choices are "ayoqowb," "arduous" and "arousal." I hope both the gameplay and the humor get better than this.

0:04 Peter Potamus runs into the office just as he's being arrested for the arson. Turns out the house was Harvey's, but Peter says he didn't do it, (though he says he did throw a mailbox into the fire so he could continue cooking s'mores, heh). The story is delivered incredibly rapid-fire -- those not used to Adult Swim's manic pacing might be confused.

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer

Killer 7

Developer: Grasshopper
Publisher: Capcom
Release Date: July 7, 2005
Systems: GameCube (reviewed), PS2
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web Site

In a nutshell: Cel-shaded carnage.

0:01 "This game contains mature subject matter and graphic violence." Now there's an understatement. Someone is shooting at the Capcom and Grasshopper logos. Seems a bit gratuitous, as does the maniacal laughter as I choose "options."

0:02 Difficulty options are "Normal" and "Deadly." Whatever happened to "Easy?" I guess Normal is the new Easy. "Target:00 Angel" is the first chapter.

0:03 A laser pointer target hovers on a black silhouette. I can move the target around. A head shot turns the silhouette into some bloody kanji. Trippy.

0:04 The moon is beating in time to music. Was that the loading screen? Now a white-suited guy (Garcian Smith, as the credits call him) walks down an urban tableau. He has a tense moment passing a guy named Christopher Mills. There's no music, and stark black and white backgrounds with some blue gradients. Very stylish... like a movie intro. I like it.

0:05 Garcian gets a call about his mission. "May the lord smile." "And the devil have mercy." Smooth. My first task is "A free-for-all fight in the multipurpose Celtic building." A lot of this seems to lose something in the translation.

0:06 "Do you wish to learn the controls?" YES! Weird... the control stick doesn't control movement. The A button runs, and B changes direction (there are only two ways to go). Hold R to enter shooting mode. Somehow it works ... the system is very streamlined and promotes smooth, continuous motion. The low to the ground camera is very nice.

0:09 Cut scene time again. I'm on a surveillance camera when I (as Garcian) somehow change into a lanky white guy. "You don't want to go any further... My friends were all murdered" says a passing crazy person. Dan Smith (me): "Shit, there's more than 14. Those bastards are breeding." I'm so confused.

0:10 A gimp-like guy clad head to toe in red leather is my servant, apparently. His name is Iwazaru and he tells me where to find my room. "Let the bloodbath begin... in the name of Harman." What?

0:11 OK, apparently I'm Harman because my room is called "Harman's room." On the TV I can pick out personalities and try them on like clothes. There's Garcian, and Dan Smith, and a woman named Kaede Smith, and a whole bunch of others, some of whom are locked out currently. Weird.

0:13 I come to Iwazaru again. He has a bunch of info. about all sorts of game-related stuff. "About multiple personalities: They're not just normal multiple personalities ...[they're] multiple personalities, but with multiple bodies." So, uh multiple distinct people then?

0:17 Iwazaru's voice is incredibly unsettling, like he's whispering through a voice-changed. It's kind of grating, and the subtitles go by very slowly.

0:19 "The blood in the beaker is pure. Give it to the doctor in the television." In any other game that would be by far the weirdest line. In here it's one of the sanest.

0:20 OK, I could probably sit here reading about esoterica for another 10 minutes, but let's get back to the real game.

0:21 As I run down the hallway, Iwazaru suggests I turn back, because the enemies will "bomb rush" me. And they do. I can barely see the transparent things. Am I missing something?

0:23 I run into Travis, sitting in an open elevator. He speaks in a freaky, breathy whisper. "I'm the killer who got killed on the job ... you think I'm a real pain in the ass don't you... I ain't letting you go nowhere." Oh come on, just get out of the way. Or at least let me shoot you. Freaking ghost.

0:25 Iwazaru: "This guy is a true freak." Yeah, like you're one to talk, you gimp.

0:26 My first real battle, with a freaky looking something called "Camellia Smile." She goes down in three shots... running away all the while. Lots of blood everywhere. Then I run into an invisible wall. What do I do now? Guess I'll backtrack a bit.

0:30 At the halfway mark for the hour and I'm totally at a loss for what to do. Part of me is really intrigued by the presentation, another part of me is really peeved at being thrown in with so little guidance as to what the hell's going on. Give and take, I guess.

0:33 Back to my room to get more info. from Iwazaru, since I can't figure out what else to do. So according to Iwazaru, the Camellia Smile thing I killed might have been a traitor that wanted to defect to my side. NOW he tells me. Maybe this would've been nice to know earlier?

0:34 "Decadent murder makes the blood boil." Does Jack Thompson know about this game? "It's a world of sin. Have you met the sinner." Creeeepy.

0:37 Still stuck. My best clue is that I hear someone laughing when I go in the parking lot, but it's no one I can see.

0:39 In my pause menu, there's a memo that says "pigeon." When I choose it, there's a pigeon against a striped background. Wow. Just when you think this game can't get weirder.

0:44 So apparently I was supposed to use L to scan for enemies at that wall I was stuck at. This reveals a hanging monster that occasionally drops eggs with enemies. Part of me is mad at myself for not realizing this (it was part of the control tutorial, but I thought it was an optional part). Part of me is mad at the game for not telling me explicitly what to do when I got stuck. Have I gotten too coddled by games that lead me by the hand early on?

0:46 Apparently, scanning for enemies makes the transparent things suicide bombers apparent and killable. The game suddenly makes a bit more sense (but just a bit).

0:47 After taking out it's shambling spawn, I shoot the hanging thing in its shiny weakpoint. It explodes in a shower of white light. Whee!

0:49 Travis (now in the parking lot) tells me how the egg-laying Duplicator I just killed "pumped out the countless duplicates that took this country down." He gives me a "soul shell" bullet to take down the queen "gatekeeper." That's all well and good, but where do I go next?

0:51 Despite helping me in the parking garage, Travis is still in the elevator. And he STILL won't move to let me pass. Sigh.

0:52 So now, for no apparent reason, I have the option to go down a part of the hallway that I couldn't before. I've heard of linear game design, but this is a bit much.

0:54 A guy in a hooded sweatshirt gets blown to pieces by one of the transparent suicide bombers in a somewhat gratuitous cut scene.

0:59 After dying a few times to shambling suicide ghosts, I realize I'm way too tired to aim well. I'll come back when I'm less beat and less freaked out.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? Yes
Why? It's incredibly unique and intriguing. I feel I've barely scratched the surface of an impressive, if badly translated, world.

This review based on a retail copy rented from GameFly.

Mega Man: Powered Up

Developer: Capcom
Publisher: Capcom
Release Date: March 14, 2006
System: PSP
ESRB Rating: E

In a nutshell: All the goodness of the original Mega Man, now with bigger heads.

0:01 I like the classic video in the intro. Also: Big-headed Mega Man = SO CUTE
0:03 “It may seem rather sudden to you, but I've decided to take over the world.” Thanks, Dr. Exposition... I mean, Dr. Wily.
0:04 New-style mode starts Mega Man out without a suit or a blaster. Interesting. This section is all too brief, though.
0:07 The first boss is a hopping thing that's entirely too simple. Bring on the tough stuff!
0:08 Guts Man should not talk! For that matter, neither should Mega Man! But they do!
0:10 I die three straight times trying to make the very first series of jumps in Guts Man's stage. THERE'S the challenge.
0:13 Glitch alert: You can break through the pick-axe throwers' shields by standing really close to them. Lame.
0:15 More deaths from later tough jumps. Back to the beginning of the level. Sigh.
0:17 This update really captures the old school feel, right down to the slowdown. I hope it's intentional.
0:19 There's a lot of stuff I can't get yet. Gonna have to come back to these levels multiple times, I guess.
0:20 I forgot how annoying these propeller guys were. Now I remember. Turns out, it's "very."
0:21 Game over #3, but I'm getting closer to Guts Man each time.
0:23 Three more quick deaths. Nuts to this, time to try another stage.
0:24 Time Man: “Time's up.” Ugh.
0:25 Swinging pendulums make tough obstacles. Probably wouldn't have been possible on the NES. How far we've come.
0:30 Smart level design. Time Man's stage requires some excellent timing to get by pendulums, appropriately enough.
0:31 I get by the swinging pendulums after many tries, then die during a simple jump for a ladder. D'oh!
0:32 Animation is nice and vibrant, as are the colors. Mega Man kind of squishes when he runs into a wall. The little things matter!
0:34 I die AGAIN on the same ladder jump. ARGH!
0:37 MADE IT! Boss time.
0:38 Time Man: "You're early for your appointment." Mega Man: "Huh? What appointment, Time Man?" Time Man: "Oh joy, by being early you've given us an extra 0.3 seconds." This is supposed to be coherent?
0:40 Thrilling battle with Time Man -- I beat him with one energy left. Whoo! But wait... instead of exploding, he falls down, and Mega Man asks, “You 'k?"
0:41 Dr. Light: “Thanks to your mercy and kindness, I can now repair this robot.” Mercy? Kindness? This is the game where you shoot things, right?
0:43 I decide to try the Challenge Mode I just unlocked. 100 different challenges! Whoa!
0:44 First challenge is a nice little jumping test, with a lot of really tough jumps. You know, the ones where you have to jump from the very edge of the platform? The ones you hate? Yeah, those.
0:45 Precision jumps over pits of deadly spikes. This is what gaming's all about.
0:48 After dying about ten times, I'm no longer sure this is what gaming is all about. But I'm not giving up.
0:50 DONE! The second challenge took five minutes! All 100 is gonna take a while.
0:51 Jumping frog enemies kills me in one hit. Oh, and I can't fire. Eep!
0:58 Eight straight minutes of jumping frogs and I'm no closer to winning. Bleh.

Would I play this game for more than an hour: Yes.
Why? Great, classic gameplay and a ton of stuff to do.