Friday, August 3, 2007

Destroy All Humans

Developer: Pandemic Studios
Publisher: THQ
Release Date: June 21, 2005
Systems: PS2 (reviewed). Xbox
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Er, destroy all humans.

0:01 "I can only describe what I see as not from this Earth. ... It's raising it's hand, perhaps as a sign of peace. No... we're under attack." Nice old-time flavored intro.
0:02 Seeing an uncanny-valley 3D model in black and white is just unsettling. Hearing him talk optimistically about meeting aliens is even more unsettling, given the context. Seems it was a nuclear test that brought down the spacecraft. Whoops. Sorry. Don't destroy us all or anything.
0:04 Now we're in a space ship. Crypto 137 (your avatar) sounds a lot like Jack Nicholson. "There's a time for thought and there's a time for action and this is one of those times." "Which?" "The second one!" I laughed.
0:06 "When do I get to blow things up?" I know how you feel, Krypto.
0:08 Instead of "Start" the label for the X button reads "Invade!" The little things matter!
0:09 On cows: "But they're covered in nipples." That's some inspired writing.
0:10 Standard dual-stick 3rd person controls. A cow farts on me, thereby ensuring the desctruction of the planet.
0:12 Lifting cows and sending them crashing to the ground is pretty fun. They crumple realistically. Not that I know how a cow would crumple when dropped from a height of ten feet. I mean, how would I? ... *cough*
0:13 Brain extraction. Yummy. I'm glad it's not lunchtime or anything.
0:16 It feels weird extracting brains from the poor, defenseless farm housewife. I know I'm destroying all humans and all, but this just feels excessive. I mean, this isn't Grand Theft Auto.
0:20 I love the nice floaty double jump.
0:22 Man, the flying saucer death ray is just too powerful. And too fun.
0:23 Apparently I wiped out "the best infantry unit in the U.S. Army." They were pretty easy...
0:24 So now that the training missions done, I'm told to land and wander around collecting brains and their precious DNA. Hmm... couldn't I get DNA from a hair follicle or something. Give peace a chance!
0:26 I have to collect four brain stems in two minutes. Hmm, this is pretty reminiscent of Grand Theft Auto.
0:28 One thing I like: if you line up two humans, you can hit them both simultaneously with your ray gun. One thing I don't like: You take damage if you fall from the top of your double jump.
0:30 You know, I'd be just fine without all the defecation and genitalia jokes.
0:34 As more humans see you, the "alert level" rises. Hmmm, what game does that remind me of?
0:36 No I'm searching for the dumbest human at a county fair. "The competition will be fierce." You're telling me.
0:37 "Ike, the barbecuing president. Now there's a slogan." I feel like they're all pretty dumb...
0:40 Lots of references to semi-obscure '50s era trivia like the Kinsey report. They did their homework.
0:44 Another annoyance: there seems to be no way to skip the saucer launch animation. I saw it once, I don't need to waste ten seconds every time I get in the saucer.
0:47 Finally, after 10 minutes of probing minds looking for a dumb one, some destruction. Another annoyance: You can't aim up and down in the saucer without moving, and you can't raise or lower the ship either. Oh well.
0:48 Burning down a ferris wheel's supports and then ramming it over with a spaceship = awesome.
0:49 I like how pretty much everything is destroyable. Except the trees. My death ray goes right through trees. Note to self: In case of alien attack, hide in a tree.
0:52 As if there weren't enough reasons to love this game, there are now radioactive exploding zombie cows.
0:53 Oh my god, telekenetically throwing radioactive cows at humans is the best thing ever! Watching their blackened skeletons wither away just makes it better.
0:55 I fail a mission because I'm not discrete enough. Awww... but I want to cause carnage!
0:57 It's a little too easy to return to the mothership. You can bei n the middle of a firefight with next to no health, but a quick tap of the X button and you get beamed up.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? Sure.
Why? Passable action with great controls and a nice sense of humor. What's not to like?

This review based on a retail copy borrowed from a friend.


PsyGuy said...

another fun review of the game. i especially like entry 0:49... xD

shadowist said...

I think the alert level thing was from metal gear solid, and, to some extent, Need For Speed (stars). However, in NFS, it's just the same thing 4 each star, xcept mo intense