Zoids Assault

Developer: Takara Tomy
Publisher: Atlus
Release Date: Sept. 9, 2008
System: Xbox 360
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: An assault on interesting game design

0:00 I know practically nothing about this apparent Gundam rip-off, so my expectations are about as low as they can be.

0:01 Sweeping music as the camera pans over a desolate landscape. With tents! And pueblos! And trees! Really, the camera spends way too long lovingly panning over nothing much at all. When we finally see the Zoids themselves, they seem like slower, more mechanical, less colorful versions of the "Voltron" robots. I suppose giant robots should be slow and mechanical, but Metal Gear Solid 4 has spoiled me, I guess.

0:02 "8/5/964 in Jamil" is the super-fictional setting. "The ceasefire agreement has been signed. All units stand down," says a voice on the radio, and a bunch of platoons respond with reports of their standing down. On-screen, grainy black-and-white satellite video of some tanks. "I'm glad this war's over. I can't wait to give my kids a big hug!" says a soldier with a heart of gold. One of his comrades tells him he should take a shower first. "Sir, you are the worst-smelling soldier I have ever served with." HA! Then, an abrupt shift to grim political talk. One guy's gonna renounce his politician brother when he gets home, or something. Suddenly, the people talking get fired on. Not that you can see this happening ... the satellite video feed has turned to static. They can't return fire until they get clearance, apparently. This would be much more exciting with better voice acting and video that wasn't just black-and-white snow.

0:05 The video static as we hear the team firing back, without authorization apparently. It sounds like a few Zoids got taken out before they were able to retreat. "What the hell just happened?" That's what I want to know!

Read the full review at Crispy Gamer