101-in-1 Sports Megamix

Developer: Nordcurrent

Publisher: Atlus
Release Date: Sept. 1, 2010
System: Nintendo DS
ESRB Rating: E
Official web site

In a nutshell: Quantity over quality.

0:00 The idea of packing 101 sports mini-games onto a single DS cart just strikes me as inherently ridiculous. My equally ridiculous mission: To play and write about all 101 in an hour... or die trying. Aaaand, go!

0:01 Wasted precious seconds creating a file and skipping a dated-looking intro movie. Volleyball makes me turn the DS sideways to move my player left and right using the stylus. Ridiculously simple and already boring. NEXT!

0:02 In Bowling I fling the ball from the bottom touch screen to pins at the top of the top screen. The ball rolls like it’s going through molasses, hitting the pins and knocking them straight down with almost no pin action. NEXT!

0:03 Boxing’s direct overhead perspective reminds me of the old Atari 2600 Boxing game. Move with the d-pad, tap the touchscreen buttons to punch. Kind of interesting, but no time to delve deeper! NEXT!

0:04 For some reason, when my character hits the ball in Tennis, it goes directly out of bounds to the right every time. I don’t have time or interest to figure out why. NEXT!

0:05 Surprisingly, Horse Riding uses button controls rather than the touch screen. I hold right on the d-pad to run, then tap B to jump over hurdles with a ridiculously floaty jump. These horses are jumping the equivalent of ten feet in the air easily. NEXT!

***-->CONTINUE READING<--***

***-->AT GAMERONI<-***

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Little King's Story

Developers: Cing, Town Factory

Publisher: Xseed Games
Release Date: July 21, 2009
System: Wii
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Farmville + Pikmin + an extra helping of cute.

0:00 I remember hearing surprisingly good things about this one when it hit last year, and it just now finally came up on my Netflix queue. High hopes abound as a trumpet fanfare and little shadow puppets dance around the preview screen.

0:01 A tinny a capella choir sings over the title screen. A velvet curtain pulls back to reveal two small puppets on popsicle sticks dancing about. "I am more noble than you, and he is more noble than me? The rich are more noble than the poor and those who work hard are more noble than the lazy? Than who is most noble of them all." Heady stuff...

0:02 The camera pans out to reveal a boy playing with the puppets. He follows a family of rats out into the forest, where he finds a magical crown. "They say the boy became a magnificent king, and all people and animals, one and all, they all became his loyal followers. and somehow, in some such way, the boy was no longer lonely." The art style and the voice-over narration are incredibly endearing. I just want to melt..

0:04 "Pomp and Circumstance" plays over options screen for some reason. I turn the difficulty up to Hard because I assume the game is tuned for little kids.

0:05 I choose a "random" file name and get the title "King Xerxes." As I start a new game I'm treated to some soaring music over shots of nature rendered in dreamy pastels. "This is our kingdom, the kingdom of Alpoko. Let's go inside your castle. It's a little slapdash, but isn't it grand nonetheless?" This is all through subtitles of the game's Simlish-style language, unfortunately. The title appears for the third time in five minutes...

***-->CONTINUE READING<--***

***-->AT GAMERONI<-***

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Etrian Odyssey III: The Drowned City

Developers: Atlus
Publisher: Atlus
Release Date: Sept. 21, 2010
System: Nintendo DS
ESRB Rating: E-10+
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Who knew a cartographer's life was so complicated?

0:00 I vaguely remember playing Etrian Odyssey II for lunch a while back, but I can't find it in my archives. I guess I just remember my friend Bruce going on and on about how awesome the game was.

0:01 "Hie thee to the ocean city, to the Yggdrasil labyrinth... what awaits is time's end; death's demise; a tempestuous dream. A stormy adventure begins." Despite the game's use of "hie thee," the swelling, elegaic music is really getting to me.

0:02 I love how there's a "no wait" option for both message and battle speed. “Fast” is never fast enough for me. I turn on the auto-map, too, because I am lazy.

0:03 Our new game starts in "the regal ocean city Armoroad." It's said to have ruins below the waves, so the Senate invites some explorers. None were strong enough to master the maze. I am one such explorer. "Your hour is at hand." You hear that. MY HOUR! I have a weakness for second-person narratives.

0:04 I'm forced to start in the explorer's guild, where an ethnic-looking guy in a Lawrence of Arabia robe gives me a Guild Certificate,and a bunch of scripts. I name my character "LeetD00D" because I am eight years old.

***-->CONTINUE READING<--***

***-->AT GAMERONI<-***

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Ninety-Nine Nights II

Developers: Q Entertainment, Feelplus

Publisher: Konami
Release Date: June 29, 2010
System: Xbox 360
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Press X to until everything is dead or you're bored, whichever comes first.

0:00 Can't say I'm really eager to try this one, given the generally negative reviews, but Konami sent it to me earlier this summer so it deserves at least an hour's fair attempt.

0:01 The title screen calls the game "N3II," as does the retail box. Ugh.

0:02 The options screen lets me change between UI Types A, B and C, but doesn't tell me what the difference between them is. Also, I can't seem to navigate the screen with the analog stick --- I need to use the d-pad for no apparent reason. These are small things, but they don't bode well.

0:03 I start a new game. A purplish lady's hand drops a purple gem into a shimmering armored chest. A large clawed hand reaches for the female hand. Fade to white and up to smoky battlefield. A guy with long flowing white hair kneels with a dead white-haired girl in his arms and screams. An old-fashioned map is engulfed in fire. Flaming meteors shoot down through an overcast sky. Armored goblin hordes are frozen mid-rush as the camera zooms by dramatically. A knight starts cutting through their ranks like a knife through blood-spurting butter. His helmet gets knocked off, showing long, flowing white hair, as he takes out a dozen or so goblins with a single energy slash, then stands for a dramatic pose. Then he slams his swords into the ground and summons some orange energy blades that explode to clear the area around him. What the hell is going on?

***-->CONTINUE READING<--***

***-->AT GAMERONI<-***

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Sin & Punishment: Star Successor

Developer: Treasure

Publisher: Nintendo
Release Date: June 27, 2010
System: Wii
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Bullet heaven.

0:00 I played this for literally five seconds or so at some E3 or another without really feeling it. I know the original Sin & Punishment is held up as some sort of paragon by hardcore shmup fans, so my expectations are kind of high.

0:01 I can hear the Wii disc drive going a bit nutso as the game loads on a black screen. Synth-heavy Japanese techno playing over the title screen reminds me a bit of Metroid Prime. The Wii Remote pointer I use to enter my file name is a lizard, for some reason.

0:02 I can use the Remote and Nunchuk, the Classic Controller, the Gamecube controller or the Wii Zapper. Personally I'd rather have one well-designed control option than three confusing ones...

0:05 After some options setting, I start a new single-player game on Normal difficulty. I go with female Kachi rather than male Isa, figuring I'll need her auto-lock ability to help me through what's supposed to be a very tough game.

***-->CONTINUE READING<--***

***-->AT GAMERONI<-***

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