No More Heroes

Developer: Grasshopper Manufacture

Publisher: Ubisoft

Release Date: Jan. 22, 2008

System: Wii

ESRB Rating: M

Official Web site

In a nutshell: Light sabers + philosophical ramblings + copious amounts of blood = No More Heroes

0:00 I've heard from numerous people that this game is batshit insane (in a good way), so it seemed worth a $10 gamble during a recent Gamefly sale. Also, I have some catching up to do, since No More Heroes 2 is already months old.

0:01 Company logos, then a flag I don't recognize flaps in the breeze. The title appears as an unlit neon sign atop a building. The instruction "Press A" appears as a series of rotating 3D cubes, for some reason.

0:02 Selectable difficulties are "Sweet" and "Mild," the latter of which promises that "many strong men await you." Mmmm... strong men...

0:03 A guy in a stylish red leather jacket walks out of the last room of a motel as the camera pans down and away. He just stands there, implying I should do something, I guess. So I run to the stairs using the Nunchuk's thumbstick, and he walks down to his bike in a cut scene, whistling tunelessly as he goes. He hops on the hog and he's off.

0:04 "I know a lot of gamers out there don't have much patience... at least that's what Bishop, the dude at the video store said," narrates our protagonist as we get a bunch of really quick cuts. "So I'm at the register and I realize I've got no money, I'm seriously broke" Why? Because he met a smoking hot chick at the deathmatch bar, and she smelled good, and he's a gentleman, so he bought her a drink. Then he got a job... "assassinate the drifter." The guy showed up, and the narrator "couldn't tell if he was the shit or just all shit." He was "styling, fast, aggressive, packing heat. Bada-bing" -- he beheads the guy in silhouette. Enter Sylvia Crystal, "an agent with some whatchamacallit association" She certifies him as the 11th best hitman in the world and invites him to aim for the top. "I want to be No. 1. How's that? Short and simple enough for you? It's gonna be a long road... who knows... may be awesome, may be dangerous... Whaddya say bro? Join me... And for you there, holding the Wii Remote, just press the A button. Let the bloodshed begin." Batshit insane doesn't even begin to describe it...

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WarioWare: D.I.Y.

Developer: Nintendo R&D 1

Publisher: Nintendo

Release Date: March 28, 2010

System: Nintendo DS

ESRB Rating: E

Official Web site

In a nutshell: Ten years of computer science education condensed into a one-hour tutorial.

0:00 I've played every WarioWare game obsessively for seven years now, and used my atrophied computer science skills to program simple games on my own for about twice that long, so a game that lets me make my own WarioWare games seems like a winner to me. I puttered around with this a little bit on the GDC show floor, which was hardly the ideal environment. I'm also using this hour as a try-out for the DSi XL Nintendo was kind enough to send me. So far it seems like a bigger DSi.

0:01 An overhead view of a cartoony "Diamond City" on the water. Gulls call out in the background as we focus on the island-based Crygor Labs. There, the visored Dr. Crygor plays games, when suddenly all the characters fly out of the TV. It was all a deam, but it inspires Crygor to make the Super Markermatic 21.

0:02 Wario comes in and demands Crygor fix his TV... or at least trade it for the Makermatic. Without few words, (but many pictures) Crygor explains that the Makermatic is no mere passive TV -- it lets you merge graphics, sound and AI into a game. "This just might be my ticket to riches!" Wario says with a triumphant jump. I place a stamp on the cartridge that comes out of the machine and we're off.

0:04 Looks like I have to start at the DIY shop. "This is where you can play games, read comics, listen to music... you know, cool things." Funny... only one of those was considered a "cool thing" in my middle school days.

0:05 "Oh, you must be the shop manager! Hello!" says a little Raggedy Ann-looking girl. She's Abby. I enter my name as nine star symbols, because I can.

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Mega Man 10

Developer: Capcom

Publisher: Capcom

Release Date: March 1, 2010

Systems: Xbox 360 (reviewed), Wii, PS3

ESRB Rating: E

Official Web site

In a nutshell: It's been a while since I threw a controller through a TV, but it might not be too much longer...

0:00 I loved Mega Man 2 and 3 when I played them obsessively on the NES. I loved Mega Man X on the SNES. I loved most of the Mega Man games I played on the PS2's Anniversary Collection. I loved Mega Man 9 last year. I loved the quick demo of Mega Man 10 I got at the Consumer Electronics Show. I fully expect to love this game.

0:01 Mega Man's sister Roll rolls in. "I'm home." "There you are roll. Are you OK?" asks the kindly Dr. Light. "I dunno, I think I have a fever." She blacks out and Light explains that she "has come down with Roboenza. From what I can tell the virus only affects robots." Well, with a name like Roboenza, the robot-exclusivity isn't all that surprising...

0:02 So in 20XX, Roboenza is an all-out robot pandemic, and the humans can't figure out a cure (or even "perform simple tasks") without the aid of their robot helpers. OH CRUEL IRONY! Oh, and a month later the infected robots go crazy and try to take over the world. Of course.

0:03 Dr. Wily crash lands in his classic UFO, which Mega Man catches for some reason. "One of those infected robots went crazy. I've spent the last few days studying this roboenza. But even my genius was unable to find a cure." Long story short, he needs help finding pieces to his medicine-making machine and putting them back together. Mega Man volunteers, of course, and gets an offer of help from the mysterious Proto Man on the way out. "Let's do this." And the title screen appears, with Mega Man and Proto Man in partial shadow. Nice old school music.

0:04 Based on the character select screen, Proto Man has the classic slide, a chargable shot, and his shield can deflect bullets. Mega Man has none of that stuff. So why would anyone choose Mega Man? Ah... "Clearing the game in [Proto Man] mode will not be reflected in the leaderboards." That's OK... I'm not going for leaderboarding. That is so a word!

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XIII

Developer: Southend Interactive
Publisher: Ubisoft
Release Date: Nov. 18, 2003
System: PS2
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web site

In a nutshell: In comic books, everyone can hear you scream in frustration.

0:00 I remember hearing good things about this stylish shooter when it first came out, so I couldn't resist picking it up for $2 during an extreme bargain bin binge. Will it hold up so many years after its initial release?

0:01 A bare bones loading screen crawls along, leading up to an utterly silent title screen with a guy in a flak jacket guarding a mocha-colored woman behind him. "Please press the START button to begin" blinks in an annoying gray box.

0:03 Selectable dfficulties are Arcade, Normal and Realistic. Wait, Arcade is supposed to be the easiest? Some of the most difficult games I've ever played were at an arcade. I go with Normal.

0:04 A cel-shaded, open-air covertible goes through a ticker tape parade, while in another frame, someone loads a sniper rifle. Zoom out to show these scenes as part of an animated comic book. Zoom back in, and a shot is fired. A police officer waves me away as chaos reigns. A bald old bald man smiles evilly. Elsewhere, someone makes a calligraphic "XIII" with a fountain pen. A guy in glasses and a red coat studies the sniper rifle. "Yes, I will continue the work that my brother William started," says a politician at a pulpit. "And yes, there will once again be a Sheridan in the white house!" Wow... the Kennedy allegory was so subtle, I almost missed it.

0:05 The guy in red, an FBI man, apparently, argues with a man in military fatigues, voiced by TV's Adam West."No one can stop me from conducting my own investigation, you hear me, Amos?" the military man yells. Cut to the bald man. "Number XIII will soon no longer be a problem." Cut to a war room: "Gentlemen, we're ready to launch operations." I... I think I understood most of that. Maybe.

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We Cheer 2

Developer: Namco Bandai

Publisher: Namco Bandai

Release Date: Nov. 3, 2009

System: Wii

ESRB Rating: E

Official Web site

In a nutshell: "Just try to have fun with it!"

0:00 This game's been sitting on my "crap-looking games publishers send to me for some reason" pile for way too long now. My wife encouraged me to try it out today, but challenged me to do so in a way that included "no misogynistic comments of any kind." Ooh, I love a challenge.

0:01 I load up the preview screen and hear "We Cheer 2" intoned by some perky-sounding female cheerleaders who I'm sure are thoughtful, independent people with myriad interests outside of cheerleading, such as math and science.

0:02 A thought just occurred to me: I didn't play the first We Cheer. Will I be able to follow the complex storyline in this game without that experience?

0:04 The file select screen lists the time played as "000h00m00s." This implies that they they assume someone will play this game for at least 100 hours. Possibly up to 999 hours. Hey, it could happen...

0:05 Wailing metal guitar plays behind the name entry screen. The on-screen keyboard is presented with no instructions of any kind -- not even "Enter your name" or something. I give my character a nice empowering name: "Womyn."

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