Knights in the Nightmare

Developer: Sting
Publisher: Atlus
Release Date: June 2, 2009
System: Nintendo DS
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: What the hell is going on? Oh, that's what's going on? OK, that's pretty cool then.

0:00 In my experience, knights don't usually show up in the nightmares, but in good dreams. Buff, sparkling knights, with broad shoulders and rippling pecs, rescuing me from ... well ... perhaps I've said too much.

0:01 A story scrolls by WAY too fast for me to read it. All I caught was something about the "Island of St. Celestina." Anyway, we're off watching a woman in white hover down a lavish hallway, battling enemies as she goes. "I must hurry ... before the nightmare engulfs me. Before the wisp of hope is lost. I have to survive! ... To regain what was lost." As she escapes into the night, a crowd of voices calls out that they have to find her. The fast-paced music transitions to gentle piano and strings as the title comes up over a red castle in the distance. Powerful!

0:03 Let's go with "Teachings" before starting the game. "First Steps" is for first time players, and has 10 sub-categories. Good lord!

0:06 Interesting ... moving the stylus around on the touch-screen moves a little white "wisp" on the top screen, which can be used to select characters on an isometric grid. Hold it there to charge up an attack, then point in the direction of an enemy and FIRE! "Ready ... I'll cut you in two! It worked!" says my character with genuine surprise in his voice.

0:08 Hmmm ... enemies shoot bullets that don't hurt my character but DO hurt the stylus-controlled wisp. All the twitchy action of a shoot-'em-up with all the strategy of a tactical RPG. I like it!

***-->CONTINUE READING AT CRISPY GAMER<--***

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FUEL

Developer: Asobo Studios
Publisher: Codemasters
Release Date: June 2, 2009
Systems: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PS3, PC
ESRB Rating: E
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Where we're going, we don't need roads...
0:00 A racing game with an incredibly huge, open post-apocalyptic world? Yes, please!

0:01 A super-quick downloadable update and we're on our way. The camera does a super-zoom through some vivid, colorful desert scrub. The title comes up at the end, followed by what looks like an advertising trailer. "These were once fertile lands, 'til weather waged war on man. The seas rose, the sun scorched the Earth, and the people fled. Some ... remained behind." A car and bike bouncing around the wasteland. Eventually, a huge tornado starts chasing them. A huge explosion sets the tornado ON FIRE as the buggy flips out in a spectacular wreck. Intense!

0:02 "Take a 15-minute break every hour," says the loading screen. "The game isn't going to vanish is it?" But how do I know it won't vanish? HOW DO I KNOW?

0:04 A cargo chopper carries a dune buggy to a relatively nice military-looking camp on the coast. "Offshore Shack" is the name of the place? Or the mission? Or something? I dunno...

0:05 "Start your engines! To start a career race within an unlocked zone, select career." Wow, thanks, super-obvious instructions! There are three available missions to start with ... I'll take "01 The Leap of Faith." It's a checkpoint bike race on "mostly offroad surface." Let's do it!

0:06 "How confident are you?" Oooh, I LIKE the way they phrased the difficulty question there. Rookie, Expert or Legend ... let's go with Expert. Even though it's not the hardest level, I like being able to say I'm an expert =)

***-->CONTINUE READING AT CRISPY GAMER<--***

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Yu-Gi-Oh 5D's Wheelie Breakers

Developer: Konami
Publisher: Konami
Release Date: May 19, 2009
System: Wii
ESRB Rating: E

In a nutshell: Both the best and the worst collectible card/racing game I've ever played. But mostly the "worst" part.

0:00 I'd never heard of this game before it hit my doorstep, but the back of the box seems to indicate some mix of collectible card game and racing game. That's enough to get an hour's worth of playtime.

0:01 When I open the box, a mini-pack of three Yu-Gi-Oh! cards falls out. When I go to the preview screen, an EXTREME rock guitar riff plays. Man, I feel like I'm 12 years old again!

0:02 A cel-shaded racer rides in a ridiculous motorbike with a huge semi-circular back. Quick cuts to a bunch of other racers leaning casually on less-ridiculous bikes. Really bad synth music plays as we see dragons and some sort of holodeck room that becomes a race arena. A racer drops a card in the middle of a track, which becomes a wall. A girl summons a dragon. A big guy has a dragon with chains around its neck. A green-haired girl has a Transformers-style truck instead of a dragon. Two dragons send energy bolts from their mouths at one another. "Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's Wheelie Breakers," says the announcer. Man, I can't imagine even beginning to understand what's going on here. BTW, it's pronounced "Five-Deez"

0:05 I can choose from 15 generic costumes for my gaunt racer. The only difference seems to be color. I go with a timeless white number with black accents and a matching bike. There are 30 more designs to unlock, it seems.

0:07 The options screen lets me toggle something called "Destiny Draw." I leave it on, mainly because it sounds awesome.

***-->CONTINUE READING AT CRISPY GAMER<--***

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Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust

Developer: Team 17
Publisher: Codemasters
Release Date: March 27, 2009
System: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PS3, PC, mobile phone
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Putting "Bust" in the title turned out to be prescient.

0:00 One of my fondest childhood memories is teaming up with my friends to try to fool the trivia age-confirmation engine for the original Leisure Suit Larry into thinking we were over 18. I'm not expecting nearly as much fun from this remake... I put it on my GameFly queue pretty much just to see how painful it can be.

0:01 A rigger, or a gaffer or whatever, cranks up a title sign from the overhead walkway. Cut to a movie theater where some cheesy sci-fi is playing on a black-and-white screen. Timpani and horns soar like it's the Oscars or something.

0:03 "That posture can't be good for your back," says the loading screen. Whoa! Fourth wall = BROKEN! Pan back from a pair of breasts covered by the poster model's hands. A bikini magazine is open on the bed. "Honk my Ass" is open on the computer. "Who you callin' afraid to f*** himself ... I mean, uh, Lovage residence," says our hero, confusingly, as he groggily answers the phone. It's a call from his Uncle, who is not buying his script for a celebrity sex tape (they "just happen.") "Larry, I need your help ... someone I can trust, someone inexpensive ... one out of two ain't bad." "Heh. Heads up, stinky, we're going to Tinselwood." Hey, who you calling stinky?

0:06 Uncle comes along to stop the security guard from slapping me around at the gate. "Be glad they didn't get to the cavity search," he says. HA! Because cavity searches are FUNNY! He takes me on a tiny golf cart around the studio lot. We pass Denise, his "right-hand man," and Merv at the mailroom. A bunch of people are acting out movie scenes: a "Thriller"-style music-video dance, cowboys being run down by a boudler, a stuntman jumping from a roof, etc. Anyway, my uncle tells me that his rival, Big Anus, has a mole in the studio. He wants me to act as a spy to figure out who the mole is. Gripping...

***-->CONTINUE READING AT CRISPY GAMER<--***

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Resistance: Retribution

Developer: Sony Bend
Publisher: SCEA
Release Date: March 17, 2009
System: PSP
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web site

In a nutshell: Oh look, another Chimera to auto-aim at.

0:00 I'm really interested to see how the intensely detailed PS3 dual-stick shooter makes the conversion to the diminutive, less powerful handheld.

0:01 The title appears over a yellowed map of Europe and a skull and crossbones, only the crossbones aren't crossbones ... they're GUNS! YIKES!

0:02 Looks like the face buttons take the place of the second analog stick. I'm not fully convinced this'll work well. My fresh-faced protagonist looks out, rifle in hand, as I choose "Campaign" from the menu. I'm constantly amazed that a portable system can turn out 3-D graphics like these.

0:03 I choose Normal difficulty because I don't wanna be a wuss. "I had heard of Grayson, of course," says an unseen narrator. "Everyone had, in those days leading up to the fall of the London tower." One night in Manchester, Grayson's life changed forever. We see a mutant tower over a human on a slab. "We got a live one here. No. No, Johnny. No! Johnny..." Grayson's brother has been "changed." "We can't let him live." Bang! Bro's death sent Grayson over the edge, apparently. He deserted and tried to destroy conversion centers on his own. Months later, at the trials, he found "the law makes no exception" for desertion.

0:06 Grayson would have died in prison except for the intervention of ... Raine Bouchard, of the French Maquis. She wants help taking out a Chimera Tower in Paris. "Taking orders from frogs and a broad. No thanks, sister?" he says in his best "Rebel Without a Cause" impression. "So you lost your family," Bouchard responds. "Look around, we all lost family." Decent writing and presentation, here.

***-->CONTINUE READING AT CRISPY GAMER<--***

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Tokyo Beatdown

Developer: Success
Publisher: Atlus
Release Date: March 31, 2009
System: Nintendo DS
ESRB Rating: T
Official Web site

In a nutshell: This game deserves to be beat down.

0:00 My favorite kind of beatdown is one in a city I've never been to. My expectations are pretty low -- a halfway-decent, action-heavy brawler would be enough.

0:01 A bunch of police cars come cresting over a hill. The camera pans up to the title, followed by rapid cuts of the cast. Captain Takeshi Bando fires a rocket. Special Officer Lewis Cannon fires a gun. Sergeant Riyo Suzuki clings to the top of a subway car. Grainy 3-D models strut around a grayish city. Chief Eiji Watanabe downs a drink. High-impact music continues as we finish on a shot of the five heroes behind a maze of police tape. "KEEP OUT," it reads.

0:03 A guy in a white leisure suit gets out of a car. "Big trouble in Shibuya! Beat down crime and restore peace!" OK then.

0:04 I can walk around clunkily with the d-pad. I can move into and out of the screen slightly, but I constantly face directly right or left. It's pretty standard for these types of games, but it feels a bit weird with the 3-D models.

0:05 I talk to Kika Hyodo. "Lewis, don't go crazy and start a riot, alright? You don't want the chief on your case again." The music has transitioned to some crazy xylophone synth.

0:06 The first enemies ... a foursome clad in all-black. I punch and kick my way through them easily. Well, one kicks me in the back of the head, but I'm OK...

***-->CONTINUE READING AT CRISPY GAMER<--***

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